How did you get proof your partner was cheating?

[woodpeckersounds]

Just that. I have my suspicions but I just don’t know how to prove it. We don’t live together so it’s very easy for him to do it, if he is.

Sometimes he can be very reassuring, and I say to him how happy it’s made me and then the effect of that makes us happier. But more often than not, he’s not reassuring at all and just gets angry which makes my suspicions worse.

I know I’m probably not making much sense because I just can’t explain it. I know people say your gut is always right, but I have to have proof so I can’t be made out to be crazy. One girl I think he may have been speaking to, I’m so tempted to message but I’m paranoid she’s going to tell him I’ve messaged her and, as above, I’ll be the crazy, “toxic” one.

Deep down I don’t think he would do it to me, but actions speak louder than words in my opinion and I just need to know either way. He says I’m paranoid and negative, which maybe I am, but if he constantly reassured me and made me feel safe then I wouldn’t be. I don’t accuse him of cheating on me, I’ll just ask questions of where he’s been and things like that. Or he’ll lie about staying at a mates house and then get angry with me when I find out. Argh my head is in turmoil 😔 Thank you.

I'm going back 17/18 years ago when payg phones charged you for each text

I'd top both our phones up (he was the classic cocklodger) and £5 would last us about a week

If top them up on the Monday morning and by Tuesday morning,he'd be demanding another £5 as he'd ran out of credit

There was 'something' about his body language too-i couldn't put my finger on it

I loved him so much,I ignored that gut feeling

Until him and the ow came to my house and battered the hell out of me

She was my best mate

I never ignore my gut feeling now and I'm with a bloke I can trust (but I know if it all went tits up tomorrow,I could walk away and be fine)

Glad you got the bottom of it. Sorry you turned out to be right. I hope the other two girls dump him too.

Many years ago I found out a boyfriend had cheated on me as after we’d literally had a steamy sex session I saw his ex girlfriend’s name written on the window above the bed. He’d only moved that property a month earlier and I’d been seeing him for six months.

Oh, shit - I''m so sorry to hear that. Make sure you've got good friends around you.

You can't win with a cheat.

The rules are different.

You must exit the game.

Getting proof may help you exit.

Exh was distant just before Christmas one year.

We were away with the DC. Normally we'd hold hands etc.

Say we loved each other. He'd always demand I promise I'd never leave him.

Then he says he needs some space.

Around Valentine's day he goes for a spa day locally.

When he comes back he's brought the details you get given when you arrive for himself and two other women. Not sure why but I hid all three.

Fast forward a couple of months, he was upstairs, I was downstairs but needed to go upstairs to put the washing out.

I heard him on the phone, crying, begging them not to leave him.

Struggling to breathe, I walked in the room.

So pretty much caught him in the act. In the end she had to come clean to her husband.

Turned out she was a colleague and one of the women who he'd gone to the spa with.

I turned detective and uncovered a whole lot more.

Cheated on Spa lady with multiple others.

He had accounts on dating websites (two on the same site in his name) and one (I think much earlier) in a different name.

I suspect my whole marriage to him was a sham.

One light hearted moment, when I submitted the decree nisi, he got his solicitor to respond saying Mr Cornflower can't accept adultery as it "wasn't true" and was prepared to go to court saying this. (He also write to me using my maiden name.)

I wrote back saying I had evidence. And my name is Mrs Cornflowers and I expected all correspondence to use it. (He was a junior solicitor so I suspect a bit if a rookie mistake).

Look to those arround you.

A cheat in many cases will garner the support of those arround him, MIL's, friends, colleagues, they will be versed on his narrative and smear campaign.

They may not understand but they will become useful flying monkeys to dehumanise you.
You may feel their disproval before your cheaters as they like to others to do their dirty work so they appear innocent.

It is a story, a lie and you must become the villain.

I was completely clueless until I saw a text message on his phone. It wasn’t proof as it could have easily be explained away as ‘just good friends’. Bit it suddenly made his recent behaviour make sense. It then took me about two weeks of snooping before I found ‘undeniable proof’. Then I confronted him. He only ever admitted what I could prove so I’m glad I didn’t confront him when I saw the initial text. Turns out he was very apt at deceit and lying

I don't think you need proof. If the trust is gone enough that you think they are cheating then the relationship is already breaking apart.

People spend way too much time in shitty relationships because they feel they need a good enough reason to break up so start looking for concrete "reasons" with proof to back it up. You don't need it, you can just say "I don't want to be in this relationship anymore" and just leave.

I spotted his phone walking into the room and the person he was messaging had ❤️name❤️. I didnt say anything but i knew in that moment. It was later confirmed by his ex-boss. Id called up his workplace as there was an emergency at home of his doing i need him to immediately resolve, and he wasnt answering his phone. His boss told me hed been fired 2 weeks earlier. Id known the boss a long time and explained the emergency which led to them telling me he was fired due to having an affair with another member of staff, who was the long time partner of one of the junior management. They were both immediately dismissed. I knew, i knew weeks before, but having another person confirm it meant i had the proof. All his belongings were on the doorstep within the hour as the house at the time was 100% mine.

To the posters justifying snooping in the name of a gut feeling, it’s easy to do so if you found something, but what if you didn’t? Where does it end? And what if you’re wrong? Then you have become the abuser. The only reason you’re justifying your abusive behaviour is because you were right, and you are therefore also giving the green light for abuse as long as they have a gut feeling.

my ex felt the need to follow his gut feeling

He hid recorders in the house hoping to catch me on the phone.

He didn’t. So he put a keylogger on my computer hoping that he would catch me doing something suspicious.

he didn’t. So he logged into my social media hoping to catch me sending pm’s. It was in the days before you received a warning that someone had logged into your account.

he fucked up there though, because he made reference to a couple of things I’d said to friends that he could only have known by having access to my pm’s. So I changed all my passwords.

This drove him even more mad, because he had to know. So he started tracking my phone, and gaslighting me by telling me I’d been seen out with someone. Accusing me of lying. Coming home unexpectedly.

We’re now divorced.

If I’d come on here at the time, would I have received support? Or would I have been told his behaviour was justified because he had a gut feeling?

We only ever hear from the people who were right. We never hear from the ones who weren’t, because it’s embarrassing to resort to that only to realise you were wrong, or if you’re caught, to have the tables turned and lose the relationship.

It’s totally understandable that people want to know. But that still doesn’t justify that level of surveillance.

Someone can end a relationship for any reason they like. And that includes loss of trust.

And ultimately if your snooping turns up nothing is that trust going to come back? Or, more likely, are you just going to go further and further to prove that you’re right? Even if it turns out you’re not?

@Never2many maybe you’ve just defined the difference between ‘gut feeling’ that derives from knowing there’s something amiss - and obsessive controlling behaviour.
But you’re right in that lack of trust, whether it’s driven by paranoia or reality, is going to be a deal breaker it’s hard to come back from.

Im sorry but People don't break a family apart, choose to split time away from their kids, sell houses, split assets, because they saw a text that may or may not be something.

At the point where you need “constant reassurance” from your partner, the relationship isn’t worth saving.

i would leave your relationship because it sounds emotionally exhausting. Being alone would absolutely be calmer and clearer and more peaceful than what you describe. I can’t imagine a course of action you could take that would bring the relationship you describe to a place of calmness and safety, and I would therefore not want to be in the relationship.

If you manage to prove he is cheating then he’ll still call you crazy. And if he’s cheating then why do you care what he thinks anyway.

If you don’t manage to prove it then you keep living in this suspicious state continuing to look for evidence. Why would you want that?

If you trust someone, seeing a random text won't freak you out like this. You'd assume innocence and maybe ask for clarification.

The reaction to the text speaks to wider foundational issues in the relationship.

You need to get in his phone/device. This is the only way I've ever found out. Whatsapp, instagram, texts, facebook, photos, emails, deleted sections, archives.

If I hadn't have snooped I probably would never have known, I imagine this is more common than we realise. I suppose not everyone wants to open that can of worms by looking though.

You are not married. You don’t live together. You needing constant reassurance means this is not the relationship for you Op. Raise your bar. End it and do better.

Found out when he said he was going "dancing" with friends on a Friday night! We had normally had a nice end of week dinner and wine up to this. I had no idea, cleared the table and sat down. My spidey senses kicked in 90mins later. Looked at his emails and found a very telling one: Collecting her and parking so his car couldn't be seen from the road, so she could get in without being seen...

I should have gone to said hotel in a taxi and removed the car from the parking area. I still regret not doing that as it was a very cold winter's night.

It's nothing to do with "picking good people". It's entirely about having very firm and clear boundaries about trust. As I've explained, if I have any doubts about someone the relationship is over. It would never get to the stage where I'd let someone be around to tell me I was "nuts" or "gaslight" me, they'd be long gone.

Long time ago.. his own dad got proof and grassed him up. To this day he doesn’t know how I found out.

LOL.

First time: the other man's wife came to my door and said, "Your wife's been shagging my husband."

Second time (same affair): I received, through the post at work, printouts of emails between my wife and her affair partner, presumably sent to me by the OM's wife.

Fucked me up. Don't think I've ever really got over it.