Wife has affair and I didn't really care

[InTheSunshine7]

I recently discovered my wife had been having an affair between 2022 - 2024. I found loads of messages which provided clear irrefutable evidence and also lots of messages with other men that amounted to flirting and light sexting.

When I confronted her the initial reaction was denial but on seeing the evidence she admitted it. The odd thing is although I feel betrayed about the lying and sneaking around, I don't feel very angry at her. She is a fantastic mum always going above and beyond to create special memories, an attentive, loving wife and works extremely hard in her career which is extremely demanding physically and emotionally.

I can't help but feel that this just isn't that important, she never left me, hasn't spent huge amounts of time away from home and our intimate relationship has always been often and exciting. I feel like I love her enough to not want to tell her what she should do with her own body.

Her explanation was that she enjoys the attention and novelty of it. That she uses these people for her enjoyment and that she has never even thought about leaving me (messages showed no "lovey" talk at all, strictly sexual)

Am I crazy for thinking we can have a happy marriage like this? Am I so blind in my love that I'm missing how toxic this is?

Wow! Interesting take on it

Your relationship seems strong still? You’re enjoying intimacy still…I guess secretly it’s a good arrangement maybe also more thrilling than you realised?

Stronger. If anything I feel like I know her fully in a way I didn't before, she is still the amazing partner, best friend and mum she always was. I just can't make myself feel angry and want to end everything like most people seem to. I just haven't felt those feelings.

Resentment might creep in but for now I think you are being very mature about it.
If I had suspicions about my dh I’m not sure how much digging I would do. We have a lovely life and relationship and that would be my priority.

Thank you for making me feel less abnormal!

If it doesn't bother you, then that's fine.
Plenty of people have similar arrangements

Some people have open relationships so perhaps that's right for you.

Does it work both ways and you are allowed to cheat if someone takes your fancy?

Doesn’t deceit and living a lie come into it at all?

You need to get an STI test for one thing.

Is it going to be a free for all now? After all what’s good for the goose is good for the gander.

I have no inclination or desire to in all honesty

Some men don't mind being cuckholed. As long as what's good for the goose and all that.

@InTheSunshine7 just curious, how much have you questioned her who she d had affairs with?

She said that she assumed it would mean the end of our family and marriage and she didn't want that and neither would I. Since finding out she has been really open about everything, I don't really feel I've been living a lie, I loved this person and still do. I feel loved and our family life is happy.

I did get tested and am clean which proved everything she told me about being strict about protection was accurate.

Extensively. I've asked to know everything and I was given her old devices and screenshots of messages I hadn't seen. I wanted to know what I was being asked to accept before deciding if I could.

Your attitude to your wife is like Napoleon's attitude to Josephine. You must have a lot of inner confidence. Good for you!

It's not a kink or fetish. I don't watch or have any interest in that side of it.

When my exh had an affair, I can't say that I felt that stronglly about the actual cheating. What hurt me was the way he treated me and the kids while he was cheating, and the lies he told about our relationship, rewriting our entire past to make me out to be a nasty, emotionless cow. He'd also been inconsiderate towards me for several years previously, enough so that I'd thought about ending the relationship if things did not improve. Those were the things that really bothered me, not the idea of him sleeping with someone else.

If he'd been a decent husband, good with the kids, kind and caring to me, and if he still made me laugh and respect him, I might have seen things differently.

Has your wife shown regret?

We don't all respond to things in the same way OP. Open relationships do work for some people, although I know you've said you're not interested in doing it yourself. Would you be okay with her doing it again as long as she was upfront with you about it ?

@Thewhywhybird , good question, be interesting to see OP response

It doesn’t prove anything. She may have just been lucky! Not everyone walks around with STI’s.

@InTheSunshine7 why are you afraid to say you actually enjoy and desireDW to continue to enjoy her liaisons and then tell you all that happens?

I understand your position on this. If you have no fears that her liaisons are risking the family unit/financial stability etc but are merely a manifestation of her individuality and enjoyment of her own body/self while she continues to demonstrate her commitment to you and your children together, then I can't see any reason to cause a problem where there isn't one. My only concern would be that you should think about whether you want a similar arrangement for yourself.

I think your marriage sounds amazing, regardless of the affairs. I was once in a relationship like this and we considered making it an open relationship so that we could have other experiences as well, but decided in the end that it wasn't worth the risk. I did think it might be possible though, given how strong our relationship and the shared values we had (we broke up for totally different reasons eventually). I can see where you are coming from OP and certainly wouldn't tear up what you have.

Living a lie wasn’t aimed at you.

It’s your wife that was deceptive and living a lie between 2022-2024.

I hope whatever you choose to do works for you.

She still did the wrong thing.

She should have sought your agreement for an open relationship before embarking on a secret affair. And had you said “no”, she should have trusted and respected you enough to abide by your preference.

Is this some cuck fantasy fiction?