Wife has affair and I didn't really care

[InTheSunshine7]

I recently discovered my wife had been having an affair between 2022 - 2024. I found loads of messages which provided clear irrefutable evidence and also lots of messages with other men that amounted to flirting and light sexting.

When I confronted her the initial reaction was denial but on seeing the evidence she admitted it. The odd thing is although I feel betrayed about the lying and sneaking around, I don't feel very angry at her. She is a fantastic mum always going above and beyond to create special memories, an attentive, loving wife and works extremely hard in her career which is extremely demanding physically and emotionally.

I can't help but feel that this just isn't that important, she never left me, hasn't spent huge amounts of time away from home and our intimate relationship has always been often and exciting. I feel like I love her enough to not want to tell her what she should do with her own body.

Her explanation was that she enjoys the attention and novelty of it. That she uses these people for her enjoyment and that she has never even thought about leaving me (messages showed no "lovey" talk at all, strictly sexual)

Am I crazy for thinking we can have a happy marriage like this? Am I so blind in my love that I'm missing how toxic this is?

Sounds like you actually quite like her more for it OP. Think you’re saying you find her sexually more attractive bcos of it. Think there a word for that/ kink/ sexual preference. Sounds like it works for the two of you which is lucky & rare!

You need to set strict boundaries around emotional affairs, you have to be prepared for her catching feelings for someone else. They can sneak in when least expected.

wrong thread

I guess you never really knew her and that doesn't upset you because you had everything you felt you wanted or needed from her. As happy as you both are (or seem to be) this isn't a deep trusting connection between you. If that works for both of you then it doesn't matter but you might want to consider the kind of person you really are in light of this. You may be neurodiverse.

its unusual I think for there to be no jealousy, insecurity, or concern elicited by the betrayal, lying & sexual enjoyment with other partners your DW has been doing outside of your marriage OP. And even more bizarre that you feel more secure for it & in some ways respect her more for it! She’s lucked out with you then?!

It wkd be curious (although it’s not what you want or are interested in) how she would have taken your lying & satisfying yourself outside of your marriage if you had done?

It just reads as though you have her on a pedestal , have always known of the imbalance in your relationship in terms of her age, earning power & how that affects your dynamics & are happy to tolerate anything to maintain her attachment & the rewards it brings to you. Obviously you live her & it’s not a deal breaker for you. But would she be viewing it in the same way of it were the other way round? Would her respect for you be still there if you did that to her? The danger is she views your reaction as feedback that she can do what she likes & that yoir feelings don’t matter. Are you just very fearful of rejection & abandonment that you’re kind of waving the flag for her to get with other men?

some women too..

I'm a good looking wealthy private dr and I've been cheating on my wife for nine years. She's known for 8 yrs.

We've discussed it and I've said I wouldn't mind of she did the same but she doesn't want to...

I don't bring my lovers home, I go to their place or I get a hotel: thousands of attractive divorced 40+ women in greater London wan to hook up for sex

• or maybe a nice restaurant then sex (plenty in S. Kensington / Knightsbrige where we live)

And yes, my wife and I are very happily married, we have two smart and loving kids at private school and we've just all booked our Xmas in Martinique

RELATIONSHIPS are as different as people are different.

Ie. A Lot - there are no fixed rules for happiness.

That's my tuppence worth ...

Have a great day

Dr Jamie

PS. I'm not a sex addict - I understand and even treat a patient with that condition. I just like the novelty and thrill - and love my wife:)

@drevelynj what has your lifestyle got to do with it? Perhaps that’s what your DW stays with you for & the holidays in Martinique? Sounds like you feel it’s fair trade though. The difference with the OP is you have an open marriage (your DW just doesn’t partake). The OP has not said his ever was & does not intend it to be on his side.

I feel that way. I've always told my dh that what he does in his own time with his friends is none of my business so long as it doesn't impact on how he is with me.

So long as he is discreet, and uses a condom, I couldn't care less.

I find your feelings on this interesting and intriguing. I left someone who cheated on me. I say I left because of the betrayal of trust but truth be told there were other things wrong that was the last straw.

I am loved by my current husband in a way that it makes me question if I would leave if he were to cheat. In the early days I was decided I clearly and can will start again if it happens. But since our relationship has matured to even better, I feel that the relationship is too special. I will leave when I don’t want to be with him or love him rather than for cause.

You will find your unique path through this and I wish you the best. As they say these days, you do you. And close this thread where you have asked others to help you do you.

I didn't say my context was similar to OP ...

There is no reg saying It Must Be ... or can you point me one .... 😂

And - incidentally - she's one with the £8m trust fund who pays school fees and vacations - although obvs I do contribute.

Sounds like an open marriage now. Would you want to do the same anytime do you think?

You sound very mature, OP, and you obviously love her with all your heart.

I feel like I got it all out of my system, I met her when she was straight from University and then she was working full time in a stressful role, married, then kids etc. I don't want to deny her the experiences I had when in every area of her life she is so dedicated and responsible. If I had ever felt unloved perhaps I'd see it differently.

I think you're right that what draws people away from each other is that they still have some "growing" to do or experiences to be had. If you can find a way to accommodate that in your relationship because you respect this need in her, then that's wonderful and I wish you luck with it.

Some of the caveats mentioned by PPs are worth keeping in mind, but please ignore the "cuck" comments by people who can only understand things in terms of sex and not soul.

Really interesting thread. I just still have discomfort with this whole idea although of course it is not my place to judge. My main concern is that she did it behind your back initially until it was discovered and to me that shows a lack of respect for you. She never gave you the chance to think about it and to object and she also never gave you the chance to decide you might want the same for yourself and that indicates to me a lack of fairness and even some selfishness on her part.

Also you said she said that she “uses these people for her enjoyment”. That doesn’t sound too good although I realise the thought may have been poorly expressed and not really indicative of how she views these other people.

Perhaps I am too idealistic and old fashioned? I feel there should be an element of giving something up to be with our partners- not having our cake and eating it too, being of an attitude of being so self-indulgent as to be denying ourselves nothing in life. I feel those characteristics tend to show themselves up in other areas of our lives, if you look closely enough. Just my two cents.