Wife has affair and I didn't really care

[InTheSunshine7]

I recently discovered my wife had been having an affair between 2022 - 2024. I found loads of messages which provided clear irrefutable evidence and also lots of messages with other men that amounted to flirting and light sexting.

When I confronted her the initial reaction was denial but on seeing the evidence she admitted it. The odd thing is although I feel betrayed about the lying and sneaking around, I don't feel very angry at her. She is a fantastic mum always going above and beyond to create special memories, an attentive, loving wife and works extremely hard in her career which is extremely demanding physically and emotionally.

I can't help but feel that this just isn't that important, she never left me, hasn't spent huge amounts of time away from home and our intimate relationship has always been often and exciting. I feel like I love her enough to not want to tell her what she should do with her own body.

Her explanation was that she enjoys the attention and novelty of it. That she uses these people for her enjoyment and that she has never even thought about leaving me (messages showed no "lovey" talk at all, strictly sexual)

Am I crazy for thinking we can have a happy marriage like this? Am I so blind in my love that I'm missing how toxic this is?

@MayaPinion , you’ve nailed it! OP is afraid to admit

Weirdly have a friend in this exact situation- it’s the wife I’m friends with. She knows it’s shit of her, and although isn’t brazen with it in front of him, she doesn’t deny it when he suspects and asks her. It’s absolutely wild to me that he doesn’t leave her tbh but very much the same- they have sex regularly, get on really well, lovely family and life and she’s a great mother. She just , in her own words, can’t help herself. Loves the thrill and attention.

🤯

I can’t wrap my head around it and don’t attempt to, and I try not to judge. It’s not something I’d accept in my own life and nor would my own husband as far as I know.

This is quite an assumption!

I can't speak for OP, obvs, but I'm not sexually jealous. I do hate being lied to, treated with contempt and being relegated to second place, however. XH1 cheated quite a bit and I didn't really care until he went into 'affair mode'.

In my experience, women are generally better at cheating in the sense of not taking anything away from the marriage, so I believe OP.

Unfortunately, once the truth is out you have to go through the motions of being upset/angry, asking what went wrong and all that, or you're effectively giving permission to play away on an ongoing basis.

If your both OK with this happening then it's fine it's your relationship. It does work for many people. On the flip side I'm not saying you would have sex with other woman but would she also be ok if shoe was on the other foot? Additionally by you being ok with it and handling it so well is this a green light for her to continue?
I think it would be best to have a conversation on where your line is. Are you saying you accept what has happened but nothing further or are you saying your ok with her just having sex but no relationships?
I believe personally that someone does this because they are bored in their relationship and want excitement and attention or they simply don't believe in a monogamous marriage although they love their partner

I’m not a jealous person either. I think some of us just aren’t. It’s hard wired into us that we should be, it should initiate some sort of response, but don’t feel that you have to feel something you don’t. You’re just a free thinker and pragmatic.

If you're OK with it, then whatever.

Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks.

Have you thought about what you will do should she develop feelings for someone?

@GarlicMile , yes agree women know how to keep secret relationship and keep home life too, no commitment on either side long term , just thrill excitement to be enjoyed !

If you feel that you can move on from this then that’s ok. Just somethings to consider.

What are your boundaries around further contact with other men, are you prepared for her to start up again? Affairs are highly addictive imho and she is getting dopamine highs from these interactions. You need to really process this.

Be very careful that you’re not coming from a place of trauma and shock. You sound adjusted BUT your discovery is recent and with further processing time you may find your opinions changed. Your right to informed sexual consent was removed and that takes time to sink in and heal from. Be wary of rug sweeping.

It is also very possible that your reaction is a form of ‘pick me’ you talk of loving her so much, this could be your continued way of showing her that you are worthy of her. In reconciliation that is NOT the way it should be working. She should be working to show you she is worthy of YOU.

And lastly hysterical bonding is a thing. I experienced it myself and it does throw logic to the wind and creates a situation where you can’t see the wood for the trees. Google it.

So she is going to continue to have affairs? What happens if she falls in love with one of them and decided to leave you?
Please don't be so naive to think this may never happen. I'm sure at one point you believed she would never cheat on you and she has for years .

Physical infidelity wouldn't necessarily be a deal breaker for me so it doesn't have to be.

I'd need to have a lot of conversations about it (tbh the need for those deep conversations is probably one of the things that makes it bearable for me); and I'd be clear that it's not an 'anything goes, do what you like and i wont care' situation. A relationship is a living thing and an ongoing discussion.

Seriously? Be careful OP. If this is real then accept that one of her affairs could turn into more and she may up and leave. I hope you you are mentally prepared for that possibility and the subsequent fall out.

Until the day comes when she does fall in love with one of them!

It's possible in any relationship, if it's going to happen then I'd feel this wasn't the person I'd want to be with anyway. So either the relationship and bond is ironclad like I hope it is or it isn't and in that case it would be best if they left to be with someone else. I don't think a partner doesn't leave because you prevent them, I believe they stay because they want to.

Again it's possible in any relationship. For her to not want our family to be intact would be so out of character and against every action I've seen from her that at that point I'd likely not want to be with her anymore either.

She intends to continue yes. It's possible, but then again it would be with or without my awareness. Part of me sees some value in throwing on the accelerant and seeing if it makes things stronger or breaks them. Atleast that way I will know.

To me that just sounds like you don’t love her, that you value her role in your life but are not in love with her. But I write rom coms and my husband says my view of love isn’t realistic so …

I guess it's different for everyone. I consider this person the great love of my life, the person I would want to be buried next to, the person I want to grow old with. Outside of the secret affairs, she has been everything I'd ever hope for as a partner, wife, friend, lover and mother. Either our relationship is the deep abiding forever love I think it is, or it isn't. If it is I needn't worry and if it isn't then yes, it would hurt, but then I wouldn't be losing what I had, because I never really had it.

Sorry if that sounds confusing.

I'm not a jealous person. I wouldn't be bothered about sex. It's the lying and deception that would bother me.

It sounds like you truly love your wife, and you love her unconditionally. If I was you, I'd open the marriage and take the deception element out of it.

The thing is her job is extremely draining and she witnesses death often, I can relate to why seeing that daily would make someone appreciate how fleeting our time in the sun is and want to feel the buzz that comes from new people.

I don't feel like I want to deny her that, I am 7 years older and had a really varied dating life before getting married while in the Army. I feel like I got it all out of my system, I met her when she was straight from University and then she was working full time in a stressful role, married, then kids etc. I don't want to deny her the experiences I had when in every area of her life she is so dedicated and responsible. If I had ever felt unloved perhaps I'd see it differently.

This is exactly what I have done. And since then she has been coming forward with information without having to be asked or prompted. I know it sounds ridiculous to many people, but this person has stuck by me at my lowest, nursed me when I was unwell, paid my way when unemployed and still said no to affair partners that wanted a relationship. It actually makes me feel more secure as crazy as it may sound.

I've never had an affair but my OH said the same as above to me once, the lying and deception would be the issue, not the physical side and he has always said if it's the physical side I want more of then he has no issue. Easier said than done though I imagine.

OP you sound v mature about this, I would just make sure your wife is honest if feelings develop.

If it was this deep love then she would be satisfied in every way and wouldn't seek it elsewhere.

I think you believe it to have brought you even closer together . But she is probably just happy she doesn't have to lie any more and can have affairs and still have the husband at home with kids.
So best of both worlds for her
Will you be telling family/friends? Or your children when they are older?

Have you watched Open House on Channel 4? Thats where couples open up their relationships with no strings attached

Well if my wife satisfied me in "every way" I would never go out to the pub with my mates or fishing with the guys etc. Yet I do. Different people bring different things and fulfill different needs.

Its always preferable not to be lied to or to lie so yes I'd assume so. No, we have never told family and friends about things like that. Not their business really. As for children unless they were specifically asking for advice/discussion about relationships then no.