Wife has affair and I didn't really care

[InTheSunshine7]

I recently discovered my wife had been having an affair between 2022 - 2024. I found loads of messages which provided clear irrefutable evidence and also lots of messages with other men that amounted to flirting and light sexting.

When I confronted her the initial reaction was denial but on seeing the evidence she admitted it. The odd thing is although I feel betrayed about the lying and sneaking around, I don't feel very angry at her. She is a fantastic mum always going above and beyond to create special memories, an attentive, loving wife and works extremely hard in her career which is extremely demanding physically and emotionally.

I can't help but feel that this just isn't that important, she never left me, hasn't spent huge amounts of time away from home and our intimate relationship has always been often and exciting. I feel like I love her enough to not want to tell her what she should do with her own body.

Her explanation was that she enjoys the attention and novelty of it. That she uses these people for her enjoyment and that she has never even thought about leaving me (messages showed no "lovey" talk at all, strictly sexual)

Am I crazy for thinking we can have a happy marriage like this? Am I so blind in my love that I'm missing how toxic this is?

You sound like an incredibly secure person and I hope this works out for you both. Not my style but who knows what the future brings! I would be worried about developing feelings but as you said this could happen in any relationship..

Sounds it.

No suggestion of getting sexual gratification or excitement for myself from this has been mentioned. I haven't dwelled on any acts or even described anything beyond the word "affairs" . I have explicitly stated this isn't a kink or a fetish that I am indulging in or promoting. So if it's "cuck fantasy" its a bad try, as it doesn't fit the genre and lacks all the titillating buzzwords.

Thank you for the amateur literary criticism 😂, even if your mistaken. Have a great day.

😂 you are very funny and witty. Definitely hidden comedic talent.

So you are okay for her to continue having affairs?

I just want her to be happy and feel fulfilled in every area of life. So I am really, providing it doesn't impact negatively on home/family life or endanger her.

I just hope you don't get hurt in all of this.

As do I.

I dontbb by think you are abnormal. There are loads of women who know their husbands are having affairs and ignore it.

@InTheSunshine7

Think your post it really interesting. I can understand it’s confusing to feel the way you do as we are programmed as men to have to react differently but I am of the opinion that it’s far more common than people realise and is very much different for men and women for different reasons.

I would say if you’re happy now and she is happy then it’s no one else’s problem. I think maybe navigating what you’re children know it terms of how discrete or open you are is probably worth thinking about.As with everything in life some people will have strong opinions.

I just don’t get why you are ok with staying with your wife when you clearly aren’t enough for her. Do you think that’s a good role model for your kids to bring them up knowing that mum sleeps with other men. Your marriage is over . She’s staying with you for the kids or money whatever.

Because I don't feel jealous that she wants some variety and excitement, I don't require the feeling of being someone's provider of everything they need in life for all time.

Like most people, our kids don't get told details of our sex life. Nope she earns more than me, always has, so could leave and be financially independent any time she wishes.

As for role model, yeh she is a fantastic mum, educated above degree level, works hard, pays attention to the kids, we have an affectionate relationship. Why would what she does with her body in privacy behind closed doors for enjoyment negate all of that.

Open relationships do work for some people and monogamy, apparently, isn't natural to humans. If it genuinely doesn't bother you and you can now both have an honest discussion about it and set in place rules and boundaries that protect your relationship, then I think that is fantastic. It is hard to sustain a marriage and keep the love and happiness flowing, so all power to you. If this is what makes your marriage work and you are both happy, then crack on.

Lots of people survive affairs , lots survive open marriages but also going forward you need to have clear boundaries. Don't be a mug

Why not talk to u that way?

Crazy......you sound like a simp / cuckold. Both are awful. Grow a pair.

Hmm, I’ve read the full thread and I have a feeling you may be the cheating partner with your own take on your actions , ready to show this thread to your spouse tomo in order to show that affairs / outside relationships can’t possibly harm the precious, special bond you have - in fact duh, they may actually.make.it.stronger blah blah blah

Honestly sounds fine, lots of people do non monogamy and poly these days, always did now it's just more open. It's clearly only sex and keeps her and you married not separated. Your marriage seems strong and you love one another. Don't rely on others to tell you how you feel about your own wife and marriage! And people saying what will the kids think, my god people act as if children are psychic or something! The kids obviously don't know and she's a clever woman doing this discreetly. Just do what you want with your own lives others will never really understand and aren't invested in the outcome.

If it doesn’t bother you, it doesn’t bother you. Just ask her not to lie to you anymore and to get tested and be safe

It surprises me that she’s seven years younger than you, and yet she seems to be the ‘senior partner’ in the relationship. I dunno. It wouldn’t be for me.

I’ve name changed for this- my husband cheated a few years ago, and I wasn’t that angry about the actual cheating either. There was never any hint of him planning to leave me. What I WAS angry about was that he did it in a way that became incredibly messy (the OW’s husband found out and it was disastrous, in ways that are far too complicated to go into in depth). It wasn’t messy at my end, I was annoyed that he’d cheated but kind of didn’t see it as the end of the world, but the fallout for my husband was absolutely spectacular. So spectacular that I would be genuinely amazed if he ever did it again.

Regarding the cheating, I was surprisingly unbothered by that aspect of the whole debacle. I did chuck him out for a while because I was so angry that he had caused such an undignified drama and upheaval (it affected his work for various reasons) and just focused on enjoying time doing what I wanted to do while he sorted the mess with his work out (I didn’t cheat, it wouldn’t interest me, but I had a lovely time catching up with old friends and going on a nice holiday with my family etc). As I saw it I didn’t have to make any decisions in a hurry as none of it was of my making, so I thought I’d just take some time for me and see how I felt in a few months. He was desperate for me to forgive him, but I said that I wouldn’t tolerate any pressure for me to make a decision one way or the other, which he did respect once I spelled out that I simply wasn’t going to be rushed. He spent that time doing some qualifications for a career change and in the end, I felt like it wasn’t worth splitting up over an infidelity that I wasn’t actually that upset about.

5 or so years on and I hardly ever think about it, and when I do, I don’t feel particularly upset about it. I think the whole sorry episode gave him a kick up the arse and he’s a much better husband than he was before the cheating came to light tbh. He didn’t pull his weight at all in the house or with the DC before he cheated, but now does 50% of everything ever since he moved back in and is a much more present and loving father and husband.

I’m aware this is probably unusual, I’ve always been extremely pragmatic. I think he was a bit shocked by how pragmatic I was about it tbh, and it does him no harm to know that I’ll just crack on with my life with or without him and be happy either way. Weirdly, it also really increased my self-confidence, because I had this bomb go off in my life and was absolutely fine. In a strange way, I’m quite glad that it happened!

Sounds like an open relationship will work for you. Thats fine, everyone is different.