Constant accusations , won't listen to anything or even accept proof I am not on adult websites

[Pleasehelpmefeelbetter]

I feel so low and really need people to talk to and some help.

Background is I used to work as an escort through adultwork. Once 20 years ago when I had a young baby and my husband lost his job (he knew it was his idea) he's now my ex husband. I was 20 at the time.

And then a couple of years ago when I was between jobs and had no regular income and by this stage divorced with kids.

I had a man make an appt and come and see me through my escorting work. We began talking and met for lunch and we began seeing each other.

He was very hot and cold. Coming close very intense then backing off. He told me about himself and that he was 2 years clean and Sober after having a serious daily alcohol and cocaine habit. He had been to rehab and is now totally Sober. He admitted he had no counselling and didn't work the 12 steps. In shirt he did no inner work about any if his issues. He had something traumatic happen when he was younger which probably put him on this path. He has adult children he loves and lives with (I have never met them) he's not met my kids. We talk about our work lives family with one another..we sp3ak via message daily and call regularly. I will email if I am work as I don't have my phone on me.

In August last year we said we loved each other and he said he was struggling with what i did for work. I was about to go back to work in my proper job getting my salary again (i had been off long term sick unpaid after serious illness) and i said i would come off the site and stop the work. Which i did. I never gave it another thought .

He ghosted me in September last year as he was having a full scale depressive mental episode saying he could cope with life, his mind was in a bad place and he couldnt cope. I kept reaching out as I was very worried about him and he came back apologised and things were great after that.

Around my birthday I went to have dinner with a school friend (female) he accused me of going to that area to meet someone and said he had been looking online and someone with mu description was working in the same area that night that I was there.

It wasn't me. I told him this and showed him the texts with my friend arranging to meet. A photo of us that was taken that sort of thing. He was relieved. Said his mind had gone crazy overthinking and he was sorry. He admitted another evening I went to a music event he looked up the location googled it etc. He said he didn't mind me going that he trusted me but I got a bad vibe that he didn't like it and was happier when he knew I was back at home he said this wasn't the case though. That he wanted to make sure I was safe and OK.

I have never lied to him about me my past or my present. He knows where I work. I only really have one close friend and a couple of what I would call acquaintances I do things socially with. I have been on a couple of work nights out which he knows about in this time as I was on a new team and they invited me to things so it was nice to be included.

Let me stree I love this man. Really love him despite his behaviours and issues and the thought of losing him is unbearable. When he ghosted me the first time I was in an absolute mess. I cried driving to work some days . Often at night on my own. My sleep was disturbed and I was anxious to the point I went to the GP and they prescribed me phenergan and anti depressants.

In the middle of Feb around the time of his sons birthday he went quieter with me. And I could sense something was wrong. He said it was wrong seeing me and he needed to work on things at home. With that he vanished for 9 weeks. I left a note on his car. I messaged (he admitted he blocked me calling him ) he didn't block on wattsapp and eventually one day he replied to say he thought about me every single day and to wish me a happy Easter. It was a breakthrough and it took another week or so and he opened up and asked to speak in person..we did and he said he wanted the physical side to stop. But he wanted to stay friends.

After that now every few days he will message me saying things like
This will be the last time you ever hear from me.
I am deleting wattsapp
We cant be in contact it's no good for my mental state etc

The crux of it and he's admitted it is that he rejoined adult work in that 9 weeks and he saw a profile of a woman he believes is me.. she's the same age hair colour build not far from me.. but it's NOT me..he will not accept this.

I have been absolutely distraught. Apparently she was active on her profile constantly until the same time I went back to work off annual leave. This is proof he says its me. I also saw him one morning as I stopped by his work to drop him off an ice cream as it was a really hot day and he was working hard. I had just finished my shift at work. Apparently this profile messaged him not long after I left. He's convinced its me.

I don't have an AW profile.
I am not on any other websites and never was
I don't have a second phone

He then apologised said he was sorry and next day brought me flowers. This saw Saturday
By Tuesday he started again one night.. he sent loads of emails to my work email. Accused me of working from home and accessing them remotely (I don't. I work for an organisation where u can only access emails from inside of work on their computers. My work can't be done from home) I gave him my work extension number and he called it 'proof' I thought to put these Accusations to bed. No a few days later bam. Started again..

He said the markings on another woman's body match mine. Freckles... his phone is full of screen shots of women and their profiles. One calls herself a slut a word I would never use. I pointed this out. So then he accused me of being someone calling themselves shy.

I have life 360 on my phone. Cos of my kids. I showed him this. Showed him when I arrived at work and when I left. He just kept on and on.

Tuesday I came out and had texts saying he saw my car parked in a random road somewhere and for me to come out and say hello. It wasn't mine. I asked for proof with a photo he had seen it. He obviously didn't have it. We met yesterday to go bowling which I suggested to try and do something nice together and move on from this.

One min he will say its in his head then he will say i am a liar I am making a cunt of him. He don't wanna hear my lies and to fuck off. I showed him my phone in the bowling alley. When he could find nothing as there is nothing.. i am not an escort anymore. I don't go on cam either. Something else he's accused me of. He then said I must have software which is hiding apps and searches.

I feel so so unhappy, anxious , in a constant state of fear worry and panic that he's going to accuse me of something else. I haven't got out of bed today. I have barely eaten in 2 days. I am struggling to function. He's discarded me again and believes I am a liar who's on websites.

I love this man and the thought of him not being in my life is absolutely devastating for me. How can I make him see sense. What should I do.

If I shout loudly he says i am trying to hard to prove my innocence. If I grey rock and don't get drawn into it he says I am too calm and its because I knew his proof was coming. His proof is a few headless shots of white skinned brunette women. Even if their body shapes are different he says I have altered the photos.

I am at the stage where I am showing my life 360. Showing my phone. Taken photos of my body to compare to these woman so he can look and see its not me. He just changes the goalposts constantly. One of them had a tattoo he said I photoshopped it on to hide its me..the woman had different nails. He just kept looking at my hands and then waved it away. Then said when I had lunch with My brother in Sussex I popped and saw a customer quickly. I didn't. I had one of my kids with me.

I am a tall dark haired woman. I can't help that and obviously there will be women similar to me on those sites.

He just won't listen. It's breaking my heart and my mind can't cope anymore.

I don't know this is why I am confused. As half the time he doesn't seem to want to be around me. He's gone off for periods of time twice now. Ignoring me completely in that time. Wouldn't actually speak to me. Came without warning out of the blue. Not from an argument. Just a slow fade and him going.

You are worth more than this abusive behaviour. If this was your best friend or daughter on the receiving end of this behaviour, what would you tell them?

The man you thought he was at the beginning OP just doesn’t exist. It’s so sad to read this. He’s a vile human being who is abusing you in plain site. You have children. If you read this post and it came from your dc, what would you say? You’d tell them to block and never let them back into their lives. You’re a role model for your dcs. The person they become as an adult is based on what they observe from you whilst growing up. The guy is blatantly telling you who get is - please believe him.

Stop with all the long posts. Nothing you will say will convince (most if not all) of us that this man is worth your time and effort.
DUMP
It’s not you, it’s him!

Sweetheart, he isn't coming back. The loving man was an act. It's called lovebombing. What you're seeing now is the real him. There is nothing you can do that will make the other version of him come back. There is no way to get this 'right.' He might tell you there is, but there isn't. We can't control or fix other people no matter how hard we try. The only person responsible for his behaviour is him.

You are only responsible for yourself.

You are in an abusive relationship. Please phone women's aid and get some support, even if you feel like you want to keep the relationship going. You need outside help now.

I do appreciate all the replies. I don't have anyone in real life i can talk to.

I live a very small existence. Go to work. Come home. My kids are getting older now so often not here or busy doing their own things.
So of an evening me and him would message we would watch the same programme and follow it together and discuss it. Sometimes we would go for lunch or play pool or go for a walk and have a coffee.

It's just aching silence without him. When he went before I would see something that I wanted to tell him about or show him and he wasn't there. It felt like he had died. It was a terrible pain . I really struggled to cope. I was on annual leave which was pre booked for alot of it and I stayed in bed alot of days. Didn't wash get dressed eat properly. I am someone who just gives up when I get depressed. I felt better as soon as he was back. I felt so much lighter and happier.

Maybe he's looking for a reason to blame me so he won't feel bad for cutting contact and leaving me again.

Morbid delusional jealousy or full blown paranoia @Pleasehelpmefeelbetter he’s an abuser. Don’t try and label him.
Or maybe he is mentally ill. Whatever it is you need to get away from him.

He is enjoying the control he has over you. The initial love bombing was part of his toolkit. If a friend treated you like this, would they still be your friend?
Love is caring about the other person, supporting them when they’re feeling down, sticking with them when things are tough. Not making horrible accusations, making them beg and grovel, calling them names, disappearing for 9 weeks and seeing other women. He’s doing his best, completely consciously, to drive you demented. He’s really revelling in your pain, I promise you. Is that love?
Try to get hold of a book called “Why does he Do That” by Lundy Bancroft, google The Power and Control Wheel” and contact your local domestic abuse service. They won’t judge you. They’ll listen to you.
Stop worrying about him, he will always be absolutely fine. You can’t fix him.
All the women on here are saying exactly the same thing to you and lots of us have been there and know exactly what we’re talking about.

OP, he is a halfway there, and it looks like a bad MH episode.

He probably likes or loves you as much as he can, but that still does not make of him a good partner or friend. It seems he has way too much trauma to be able to behave normally and treat you like you deserve.

Avoidant ppl, they live in an inverted world, they may like you or love you in theory, but they can't do it in practice. As soon as things get nice and cosy, all their alarms go off and they create a drama to escape. After they get away, they calm down and they start idolising you again but from far. They make you come back, and it restarts the cycles, rinse and repeat. You will be their muse, the one they think of, always in their heart, but the reality will be sh*t.

You cannot remove the demons of a traumatic past out of someone's head. You cannot make an avoidant face his emotions and be accountable for his impact on others. He is both.

And he is not a decent man for a third. A decent man would not let himself spiral this low, a decent man would not let you go through this rollercoaster, and would have taken advantage of one of his moments of clarity (or the 20y before that) to seek help rather than to keep inflicting this on you, wreaking havoc with your life and emotions.

I am sorry OP.

get rid of him for his own good as well as yours

has he given you any indication he has had a relapse? would make sense with the paranoia

The whole relationship comes off as extremely toxic, he's abusing you & you seem to go for men who need help/rescuing

He’s a disaster OP and he’s making your life into a disaster too. It doesn’t matter why he’s doing what he’s doing. He’s choosing to do it and he's choosing to hurt you very badly.

Cut him off. Nothing else will work.

Your kids need you. Even though they’re older, they still need you. Don’t let him steal their mum from them.

Very clearly this.

He's an abusive psychopath and there's a good chance he will put you in hospital or even worse - kill you.
Get far away from him as safely as you can, you will be doing yourself and any kids involved the biggest favour.
Everyone on here knows the signs and are all telling you the same thing.

Look at your response to that though - you call, message, leave notes on his car. You're desperate for contact from him and that desperation from you is what he feeds off.

He is an extremely damaged individual and he is damaging you. NO MAN is worth having suicidal thoughts over. Ever. Your kids only have 1 mum and would not be better off without you. Please, please walk away from this lunatic and get some decent counselling before you try again with relationships.

Why are you with him, are you desperate? He doesn't trust you.

He’s a monster. A psychotic monster. You need to be the one ghosting him. You need to try and reframe this - you are worth far far more than this utter loser.

But he doesn't love you nor you him. You're in a codependent and abusive relationship.

I love cake but don't eat it till my stomach bursts open and kills me.

'Love' isn't always worth the price.

You think feeling the emotion you describe as love is worth the misery you are living in?

I asked him outright a few weeks ago. As alot of this seemed to start late at night and he would be on wattsapp looking to see if I was online. Then it moved into the daytime as well. He wasn't under the influence or drunk yesterday when it all kicked off. I genuinely don't think he's relapsed. But I do believe this is some sort of psychiatric episode which has been building for a while.

He's made comments that it's driven by the fact he does love and care for me. That he wants me to be safe and he's worried about 'what I am involved with' and the life I am living. That he understands its hard and I 'need' to do this. I don't.

I am not rolling about in money . I am not skimping and scraping and him think I am desperate for money either. I have my salary the bills are paid.

It upsets me immensely that he's deleted all my photos of me happy smiling things I have shared with him. But his camera rolls yesterday was full of pics stills and profiles from adult work. That has crushed me . He has their images in his mind when he thinks of me and can't even remember my smiling face.

Umm.....if it is not OK for you to be on these sites and it supposedly traumatises him to the extent that you are feeling pressured to do all this appeasement work, then why on earth does you both feel it is OK for him to be on them, messaging and looking at other women?
I appreciate that he will now use the excuse that he "has" to be on them to monitor you, and asking about that is "proof" that you are trying to hide something - but why was he on there in the first place to make the initial mistake?

Step away - he is no good for you.

Some people are just abusive arseholes. Don't try and work him out - life is too short

Yeah I know. He outright said he went on there looking for someone to meet. That sickens me and I have said so. He knew in those 9 weeks I missed him was worried about him and extremely upset. He went and ghosted me as he wanted to fix things at home but he picked his phone up instead to look for a sex worker instead of having the decency to say he was sorry and he was OK. That really fucking hurts.

He's got it in his head I have done this as a way to hurt him for him leaving . It isn't. I haven't. He just won't listen . He just won't see sense. He either hangs up ignores the message or yesterday walks off.

Run ,you are worth so much more than this.

He's so so hostile to me. Literally was like talking to a stranger in another language.

He seems to want to love me from a far not be with me but be abusive at the same time. Makes absolutely no sense.

He can't prove any of these accusations. I can prove my innocence . He just keeps saying in his head it all fits together. It's all too much of a coincidence.