Constant accusations , won't listen to anything or even accept proof I am not on adult websites

[Pleasehelpmefeelbetter]

I feel so low and really need people to talk to and some help.

Background is I used to work as an escort through adultwork. Once 20 years ago when I had a young baby and my husband lost his job (he knew it was his idea) he's now my ex husband. I was 20 at the time.

And then a couple of years ago when I was between jobs and had no regular income and by this stage divorced with kids.

I had a man make an appt and come and see me through my escorting work. We began talking and met for lunch and we began seeing each other.

He was very hot and cold. Coming close very intense then backing off. He told me about himself and that he was 2 years clean and Sober after having a serious daily alcohol and cocaine habit. He had been to rehab and is now totally Sober. He admitted he had no counselling and didn't work the 12 steps. In shirt he did no inner work about any if his issues. He had something traumatic happen when he was younger which probably put him on this path. He has adult children he loves and lives with (I have never met them) he's not met my kids. We talk about our work lives family with one another..we sp3ak via message daily and call regularly. I will email if I am work as I don't have my phone on me.

In August last year we said we loved each other and he said he was struggling with what i did for work. I was about to go back to work in my proper job getting my salary again (i had been off long term sick unpaid after serious illness) and i said i would come off the site and stop the work. Which i did. I never gave it another thought .

He ghosted me in September last year as he was having a full scale depressive mental episode saying he could cope with life, his mind was in a bad place and he couldnt cope. I kept reaching out as I was very worried about him and he came back apologised and things were great after that.

Around my birthday I went to have dinner with a school friend (female) he accused me of going to that area to meet someone and said he had been looking online and someone with mu description was working in the same area that night that I was there.

It wasn't me. I told him this and showed him the texts with my friend arranging to meet. A photo of us that was taken that sort of thing. He was relieved. Said his mind had gone crazy overthinking and he was sorry. He admitted another evening I went to a music event he looked up the location googled it etc. He said he didn't mind me going that he trusted me but I got a bad vibe that he didn't like it and was happier when he knew I was back at home he said this wasn't the case though. That he wanted to make sure I was safe and OK.

I have never lied to him about me my past or my present. He knows where I work. I only really have one close friend and a couple of what I would call acquaintances I do things socially with. I have been on a couple of work nights out which he knows about in this time as I was on a new team and they invited me to things so it was nice to be included.

Let me stree I love this man. Really love him despite his behaviours and issues and the thought of losing him is unbearable. When he ghosted me the first time I was in an absolute mess. I cried driving to work some days . Often at night on my own. My sleep was disturbed and I was anxious to the point I went to the GP and they prescribed me phenergan and anti depressants.

In the middle of Feb around the time of his sons birthday he went quieter with me. And I could sense something was wrong. He said it was wrong seeing me and he needed to work on things at home. With that he vanished for 9 weeks. I left a note on his car. I messaged (he admitted he blocked me calling him ) he didn't block on wattsapp and eventually one day he replied to say he thought about me every single day and to wish me a happy Easter. It was a breakthrough and it took another week or so and he opened up and asked to speak in person..we did and he said he wanted the physical side to stop. But he wanted to stay friends.

After that now every few days he will message me saying things like
This will be the last time you ever hear from me.
I am deleting wattsapp
We cant be in contact it's no good for my mental state etc

The crux of it and he's admitted it is that he rejoined adult work in that 9 weeks and he saw a profile of a woman he believes is me.. she's the same age hair colour build not far from me.. but it's NOT me..he will not accept this.

I have been absolutely distraught. Apparently she was active on her profile constantly until the same time I went back to work off annual leave. This is proof he says its me. I also saw him one morning as I stopped by his work to drop him off an ice cream as it was a really hot day and he was working hard. I had just finished my shift at work. Apparently this profile messaged him not long after I left. He's convinced its me.

I don't have an AW profile.
I am not on any other websites and never was
I don't have a second phone

He then apologised said he was sorry and next day brought me flowers. This saw Saturday
By Tuesday he started again one night.. he sent loads of emails to my work email. Accused me of working from home and accessing them remotely (I don't. I work for an organisation where u can only access emails from inside of work on their computers. My work can't be done from home) I gave him my work extension number and he called it 'proof' I thought to put these Accusations to bed. No a few days later bam. Started again..

He said the markings on another woman's body match mine. Freckles... his phone is full of screen shots of women and their profiles. One calls herself a slut a word I would never use. I pointed this out. So then he accused me of being someone calling themselves shy.

I have life 360 on my phone. Cos of my kids. I showed him this. Showed him when I arrived at work and when I left. He just kept on and on.

Tuesday I came out and had texts saying he saw my car parked in a random road somewhere and for me to come out and say hello. It wasn't mine. I asked for proof with a photo he had seen it. He obviously didn't have it. We met yesterday to go bowling which I suggested to try and do something nice together and move on from this.

One min he will say its in his head then he will say i am a liar I am making a cunt of him. He don't wanna hear my lies and to fuck off. I showed him my phone in the bowling alley. When he could find nothing as there is nothing.. i am not an escort anymore. I don't go on cam either. Something else he's accused me of. He then said I must have software which is hiding apps and searches.

I feel so so unhappy, anxious , in a constant state of fear worry and panic that he's going to accuse me of something else. I haven't got out of bed today. I have barely eaten in 2 days. I am struggling to function. He's discarded me again and believes I am a liar who's on websites.

I love this man and the thought of him not being in my life is absolutely devastating for me. How can I make him see sense. What should I do.

If I shout loudly he says i am trying to hard to prove my innocence. If I grey rock and don't get drawn into it he says I am too calm and its because I knew his proof was coming. His proof is a few headless shots of white skinned brunette women. Even if their body shapes are different he says I have altered the photos.

I am at the stage where I am showing my life 360. Showing my phone. Taken photos of my body to compare to these woman so he can look and see its not me. He just changes the goalposts constantly. One of them had a tattoo he said I photoshopped it on to hide its me..the woman had different nails. He just kept looking at my hands and then waved it away. Then said when I had lunch with My brother in Sussex I popped and saw a customer quickly. I didn't. I had one of my kids with me.

I am a tall dark haired woman. I can't help that and obviously there will be women similar to me on those sites.

He just won't listen. It's breaking my heart and my mind can't cope anymore.

He literally bought you. He doesn’t love you. He thinks he owns you. He paid for you. You are a belonging not a partner.

He’s also a scummy man who uses sex workers.

He is also an abuser.

He is also a stalker and behaving very scarily.

Get away, get help. Protect yourself and your kids.

I have contacted my GP . Filled out an email consult form and they sent a questionnaire through about my mood and mental state. Filled that out so see when they can offer me an appt.

My sleep was broken. He replied at 2am saying I hope you feel better soon x a couple of seconds later said I am not trying to destroy you but there's no nice way to say I don't want any contact with you.

I read it. I didn't reply. He may well have blocked anyway.

I guess he's been wanting to ditch me for a very long time and is using this as an excuse to and blame me. Really really cruel and nasty.

He is never the one to contact or approach me once he goes off. So that's it now . I don't think I will ever see or hear another word from him.

Very bizarre behaviour

hold on, he's married & living at home with his wife & cheating with you?

Your getting what you deserve to be quite honest then

Honestly those are two really good bits of news. Block him
and quickly write down all the mean things you can remember he’s ever said or done to you. Keep it somewhere and when you’re tempted to message him you should look at it and remember, he chooses to behave that way. You’ve had a hard life and you don’t mistreat people do you?

Great you’ve contacted the doctor - huge well done, it’s so challenging to take care of yourself when you’re not necessarily feeling worthy of care.

Cut the cord and sort yourself out - none of this weeping and giving up when he won’t talk to you because he’s not weeping. In his room in his house where his wife lives I want you to know what he’s doing… he’s texting you asking if you’re OK to make you reply, then he’s changing his tone so it stabs you in the heart. Then while you’re crying he’s GRINNING. He’s LOVING how hurt you are, he’s salivating over it.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s not turned on by causing you emotional pain.

Remember while you’re missing him and pining that he has CHOSEN to do all of these things to you. That gazing look he gave you at the beginning that turned into a smile? Acting. He faked it. He’s done it to other women too and it worked so he did it to you. It’s TV love, movie love. A performance.

Excellent news, well done. @WitcheryDivine says it all.
i noticed a couple of people made comments such as “he bought you”. He didn’t. He bought a service from you. You believed you were in a relationship with him but you really weren’t, and over time you’ll understand that.
Again, brilliant that you’ve contacted your GP! It may be a while till you can get an appointment so in the meantime do use the resources that people here have suggested - Lundy Bancroft free pdf, Women’s aid or your local domestic abuse service, Samaritans 24/7.
Keep posting! X

No one deserves to be on the receiving end of abusive behaviour, and this man's behaviour is abusive. What you should not be, OP, is surprised at his behaviour. He cheated on his wife; he showed himself to be a deceitful liar who gives precisely zero fucks about hurting people. That's on him, but you cannot be surprised that this is who he is

Please block him. Delete his number and focus on yourself - you need to get well and seeking help from the gp is the start.

You need to put all your energy into yourself and your children.

You will never understand him, his motives or what he wants as either he doesn’t know himself due to his mental health, or he is playing you. Either way, it is not healthy and it is not even a relationship.

You do not love him and you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Please take his message to you saying not to contact him literally and remove him from your life. You will be so much better for it.

Be strong x

Ffs! He is using your past as a weapon against you, and to top it off he's still married and living with his wife

The title's enough to say get the hell out.

Reading the first post, get the hell out.

Reading any post after that, get the hell out.

Don’t waste your time and energy trying to understand why he behaves the way he does.
Only remember that he does do it and you don’t want to be with anyone who is mean to you.
You can’t fix him by loving him, get that out of your head, it’s wrong.
Its not your job to fix mean men.
Your job is to heal yourself, learn why you let men be mean to you and look after your children.
Well done taking the first step making appointment to see Gp.

You are too good for him. Finish it then see a therapist. There is nothing wrong with you though, its just him.

For the love of god OP, your life will never improve unless you start making better choices. Get some therapy for a start. Next, stay away from abusive arsehole married men who use prostitutes and thirdly, learn that love is NOT all you need to make a good relationship, you also need respect, kindness and loyalty. All are just as important as love.

Take control of your life and aim for better for yourself

.

I disagree there's a lot wrong with @Pleasehelpmefeelbetter but she is addressing it with a GP and hopefully therapy.

I have seen my GP this afternoon. Prescribed me mirtazapine to take at night. And beta blockers 3 times a day.
I also spoke to womens aid they are calling back tomorrow as someone came home part way through so I couldn't talk freely.

The lady listened and I poured it all out. She said when he went the first time quite likely with genuine mental health problems he learnt that it would panic me and how I would react. That I would be waiting when he returned and I would he so relieved he had returned I would sweep him up shower him with love and overlook his bad treatment of me. I swept my needs fears and pain to one side for fear he would run away again.

That's all she said but she will speak with me more tomorrow .
I have looked at the Lundy PDF (I do have the book at home somewhere along with women who love too much and co dependant no more ) I only see little bits of him in the descriptions.

However he does fit fearful avoidant to an absolute T and also BDP and cluster b personality types.

I am anxiously attached and I can see these two types often end up together in a push pull dynamic.

I haven't contacted him today . I still can't believe he's done this or that he's gone. I hate the fact he's gone with this hate of me.. he's glad to be rid of me. That does hurt . I realise it's him. All him and I can't change him or what's happened.

I thought my love would fix him. I was stupid to think this

I'm genuinely so glad you have taken some practical steps to seek help and support. You should be really proud of yourself because you can't change what he has done but you can change how you react to it all and you've been really proactive. It wouldn't surprise me if you were feeling better sooner rather thab later at this rate.

It's not stupid to think your love could have fixed him. We've all thought that at some points in our lives - me included - and I certainly don't think I'm stupid! It means you're a kind person with a lot of love to give. I'd rather be like you than like him any day of the week.

Good to see your update. Great progress! And you’re obviously very far from stupid. Keep going, use all the support that’s there for you x

OP, whether he’s mentally ill, addicted to drugs or just a stupid manipulative bully, he is ruining your life. He will never stop pushing you away and then reeling you in and hurting you again. You have to stop it by cutting yourself off from him.

Edited to add: I’m delighted by your update! Well done. Stay strong — it won’t be long before you’ll look back with disbelief at how much you put up with.

This is insane. Honestly wtf.

you need to throw this one back in the bin.

Yes I am kind and I have a lot of love inside me. I deserve love back too. I thought he loved me but I am realising he didn't and isn't capable of it.

I feel very sad . He said I was his missing piece and he smiled more because of me. I believed him I am such a fool

He sounds like a very damaged man, and also like he may have paranoid personality disorder. My son's dad developed psychosis and a lot of this sounded familiar to me.

Block this idiot for good. He's unhinged and you don't need him in your life in any capacity.

You may love him but this man needs help, why are you still with him

Don't blame yourself. No abuser goes into it behaving like a horrid shit. They're always nice to hook you in at first, and then they turn, and you spend the rest of the relationship turning yourself inside out trying to get the person they were at the start back, and wondering where that person went.