Partner of 10 years still leaves and goes to his dads for days with no contact

[vicki2615]

My partner of 10 years on and off, leaves and goes back to his dads house after petty arguments with no contact, he has his own bedroom there at the age of 47 and still pays his dad £80 a week rent money saying it’s because all his things are there, even though he lives in my house which we moved into together in 2016, both families are fed up with our situation and he promised this time he would put full effort into the relationship and not run away to his dads house again, which he has broken again after only being back together for a few months, he has put effort into the relationship with doing more chores around the house but still doesn’t offer me any money for bills or food, I have 2 children from a previous relationship and my partner has been in their lives as a step dad figure for 10 years but still finds it easy to abandon us when he takes the huff, I have said several times if you leave again you are not coming back but he obviously doesn’t believe that anymore as he’s willing to risk it over nothing most of the time, he said we will fix the relationship and join our money together and move his things back to my house but this has not happened and a feel he’s just not ever going to commit , am I wasting my time ?

But there's nothing about him to 'lose', he's fleecing you and your kids, the money you spend on hosting him should be going to your kids.
They deserve a happy home, free of some loser bloke flitting in and out whenever he fancies.

You'll always have the memories.

But you will get rid of 15 stone of strange man.

Which will be liberating.

I must need my head checked when I look at all the facts why don’t I see it for what it really is

It can be very difficult to see it when you are under their 'spell' @vicki2615 . We read your OP without any of the emotion that you have or once had with this man, we can see it dispassionately, especially if we have been through similar.

They keep your mind filled with them intentionally so you don't have the headspace to see their behaviour for what it is.

Now that you can view him with 'seeing' eyes you can make the changes (your locks for a start!) you need to make to protect yourself and your children and start building yourselves up into a content and happy family

The most exciting thing about the garbage taking himself out....is it creates space for a wonderful amazing actual grown up life partner to find their way to you and role model for your darling children what an actual adult does to care for and be there for the people he feels privileged to have as his family. Honestly, let the door stay shut on this one and start imagining your best ever life and a new partner when they've earned the right.

You're saying empty words. You're not following through with action and you're enabling this man child behaviour.

Would you issue empty threats to your DC without following through a consequence? No. Thought not.

Just tell him that's it and to collect his stuff. He's a cocklodger of the umpteenth degree if he's paying his DF and nothing to you.

What value does he give to your life? Be honest. Write a pros and cons list if need be.

You can and deserve much better. Stop putting yourself at the bottom of the list and put yourself first. Also think what lesson this is teaching your DC about how women should be treated.

I have said several times if you leave again you are not coming back but he obviously doesn’t believe that anymore

Well no, because (without wanting to state the obvious) you keep letting him come back. So he knows you don't mean it.

he has put effort into the relationship with doing more chores around the house but still doesn’t offer me any money for bills or food,

Why do you think so little of yourself to accept this behaviour? Why are you using money that you should be using or saving for your children to house and feed another adult?

Find some backbone and get rid. Then get counselling to find out where your self respect and self worth has gone, and get those missing boundaries back sharpish.

What's the point of being with a man who cannot grow and change. He deals with conflict like someone who is very immature.

He pays rent to his Dad but doesn’t contribute to your household?

OP, I would not have a man in my kids’ lives who is not consistent, reliable and stable. His hokey-Cokey act is not a good environment for them.

He has a home, paid for, at his Dad’s, pack him off there permanently.

It is pathetic that. 47 yo man takes no responsibility for a home.

Why are you so needy as to put up with this?

It’s much worse than just wasting your time.

By living with you for free he’s basically stealing money that you should be spending on nice things for you and your children. And by messing with your head with his stupid repeated disappearing acts he’s stealing your emotional energy and the attention and kindness that you should be giving yourself nd your children.

Change the locks OP and raise your standards.

''I think because we have been friends for over 20 years and in the relationship for 10 I don't want to throw away the memories and loose him for good''

There's a name for this, its called the 'sunk cost fallacy'. The bit you need to focus on is how you both promise your kids things will improve, then he leaves again, and you take him back.
He is rinsing you, taking money that should be for you and your kids, and damaging your relationship with your own children in the process. Find the courage to put a stop to it.

Don’t let him back.

10 years of this nonsense and you’re still hoping he’ll suddenly put more effort..?

Let him go.

Of course you are wasting your time. Why do you accept so little from someone? You have children, is this all you would want for them in their relationships? It’s ridiculous.

It’s like you and his father are his divorced parents. When he doesn’t like you, his new mummy, he strops off back to daddy.

How on earth can you stand that? 🤢

Make him your ex-partner and keep it up for 10 years. And then maybe 10 more for good luck.

FGS get some self respect and stop wrecking your children's lives.

Today - get yourself a roll of black bin bags and put everything you can find that belongs to him into them. Change the locks and dump his stuff off at his Dad's. Tell him not to contact you again. Block his number and stick to it.

My stepdad did this, and each time dsis & I were absolutely petrified we'd never see him again.

People don't always realise how much children instinctively love stepparents they live with for many years.

Does it scare your dc, or are they confident he'll come back?

Would he at least meet up with them again once you split up? If so, and you believe him, please reassure your dc about it.

I think you definitely should break up unfortunately.

Yeah, fine old lesson you're teaching your DC about how a man can treat a woman and what a woman should put up with.

Please get some self respect and dump his sorry arse for good. Of course he'll treat you like 💩 if you keep allowing him back and letting him live at yours while paying nothing. Those old memories must be pretty amazing if you want to hang on to this loser to protect them. Think of all the wonderful new memories you could be making with a partner who respects you and behaves like an adult.

Pleased to see OP has finally realized what an utter cocklodger this loser is. 47 and runs back to Daddy when you have a minor disagreement? Nah, change the locks and tell him to stay with Daddy. This isn't the sort of relationship you want to have your children see as normal - it isn't.

Any time a relationship has been 'on and off' I can almost definitely say that it's not a good relationship. Don't worry about 10 lost years, think about your wonderful future without this overgrown toddler plonking around in it.

Have you even considered the serious psychological effects this man is having on your children? And what are they learning here, where a seemingly adult man repeatedly throws a strop and simply disappears? How are they supposed to know what healthy relationships look like, given the way they are growing up?

That’s before we get to his cocklodging. Has it occurred to you that, by letting him live in your household without paying anything for room and board, you are depriving your children of funds that they are likely to need in the future, for instance to go to university.

Colleague endured this for longer than @vicki2615 . What she didn't know was that when he went home to dad he acted single, having sex with other women, drinks with the lads. He genuinely saw it as time out.

Thank god it was her house and they never married.

Set a better example for your children and end this situationship.

You have said several times if he leaves you’re not taking him back. Clearly you havn’t kept your word if you’ve said it several times.

He doesn’t pay you anything??? And he pays his dad 80 pound??? He’s clearly got a cheap life with 2 places to stay and free sex at your house. He’s childish, immature cocklodger.

You can’t change his behaviour, you can however change your reaction to it. You’ve basically enabled it till now by allowing him to stay in your house for free whenever he wants to. Stop enabling it, stop letting him treat you like this. Does he bring anything to your life? Is that worth his childish behaviour?