Partner of 10 years still leaves and goes to his dads for days with no contact

[vicki2615]

My partner of 10 years on and off, leaves and goes back to his dads house after petty arguments with no contact, he has his own bedroom there at the age of 47 and still pays his dad £80 a week rent money saying it’s because all his things are there, even though he lives in my house which we moved into together in 2016, both families are fed up with our situation and he promised this time he would put full effort into the relationship and not run away to his dads house again, which he has broken again after only being back together for a few months, he has put effort into the relationship with doing more chores around the house but still doesn’t offer me any money for bills or food, I have 2 children from a previous relationship and my partner has been in their lives as a step dad figure for 10 years but still finds it easy to abandon us when he takes the huff, I have said several times if you leave again you are not coming back but he obviously doesn’t believe that anymore as he’s willing to risk it over nothing most of the time, he said we will fix the relationship and join our money together and move his things back to my house but this has not happened and a feel he’s just not ever going to commit , am I wasting my time ?

He sounds like a child and doesn’t have the maturity to deal with conflict.
do you want to stay with him? If you do, then I suggest you get some professional relationship advice.

Sorry but yes, you’re entirely wasting your time. Gives you NO money for food or bills? This guy is using you and has no respect for you. Don’t let him back.

I have said several times if you leave again you are not coming back - now is the chance to mean it or this nonsense will continue.

You are wasting your time with this man who in addition is a poor role model to your children. What has prevented you in booting him out of your house for good?.

What do you want to teach them about relationships and what are they learning here?.

This man is behaving like a child. OP you need to follow through on your ultimatums - why would he believe you when you've said it several times before? Ditch him and let him move back to his dad's permanently.

You have 3 children. Get rid of the 47yo one & find someone who values you.

am I wasting my time ?

Yes. And what about your children - what does this do to them?

This 💯

Simple do not let him back in change the locks.

He doesn’t believe it anymore because you keep taking him back so he knows you won’t end it.

You need to follow through with your ends.

I have said several times if you leave again you are not coming back but he obviously doesn’t believe that anymore

Therein lies your problem. When you're training a dog if you say sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, sit, while it continues to stand looking at you should eventually realise it's not working. Say it once, mean it.

The families are fed up? What about you @vicki2615 ? It's not up to you to solve his father's problem with his behaviour, it's not up to you to finance his life. Put yourself and your children a little higher in your priorities; this man is a user who has no respect for any of you, let alone love.

He's lived with you for nearly a decade but doesn't contribute to the bills or food? He's having an absolute laugh.

Change the locks and don't let him back next time (because there'll always be a next time).

Yes, you are wasting your time, your energy, your money and your life with this person.

You deserve better. Your children deserve better.

Do not contact this man, do not let him back into your home and don’t let him back into your children’s life. He is setting a dreadful example; walking away the moment things get tough and not paying his way when part of the family. What joy does he actually bring to your life and that of your children?

It feels so incredibly hard to chose to be alone when you actually would like to be with the guy if only he would treat you right - but he never will treat you right. He's shown you who he is and you have to believe him. I didn't believe mine until it was too late and my god the regret. Kick him out and stay strong.

So let's get this right, he doesn't give anything to the family finances but takes a lot. He gives £80 a week to his dad for storing his things and giving him a bed when he's sulking. What on earth do you get out of this relationship with this inadequate man?

Wow. He’s having his cake and eating it isn’t he? You NEED to get rid of this absolute cocklodger mate! Stop wasting your time and effort in this boy. Do not let him back. He contributes nothing

Tell him its over, & mean it.
This manchild cocklodger is a gold star champion of an entitled tosser.
He pays his Dad £320 a month, & he pays you absolutely nothing.
FGS

Christ!
What example is this setting your children? To run away and never sort arguments??

personally I feel he abuses you…. He storms off over petty crap - is he ‘punishing’ you by sulking and disappearing, is he doing this to wear you down into submission so that in future you just won’t argue and will roll over and be obedient?!
He is also financially abusing you…. Living there and not paying toward bills or food…. WTAF?!?!?
And OF COURSE he doesn’t believe you when you say if he leaves he’s gone for good, because every single time he does it you take him back…. And despite his dad being sick of it he also lets it happen!

If this man can just leave you and the kids with no contact for weeks at a time, leaving things unresolved and leaving you upset and wondering each time whether it’s over for good this time, then no he doesn’t give a shit about you…. This is all about power and control…. He chooses when he comes and goes, He chooses whether to contact you or not, he treats you like crap @vicki2615 and honestly I think this time you need to bag his belongings up and drop them round his dads house and end this relationship once and for all….

You see him as your children’s step dad…. Really?!?! He certainly isn’t a role model I’d want anywhere near my children!….. Step up Vicki2515 & show your children that you don’t tolerate this bullshit and neither should they from future relationships!!

Yes, you’ve been wasting your time for ten years. Obviously.

Does he not contribute financially to your household at all?
How are your children coping with him randomly dissappearing?

Your children are going to think that this is an acceptable way to behave in a relationship- don’t let him back for your sake and theirs.

He is 47 years old and you have been together for 10 years.

I wouldn't hold out much hope you can "fix the relationship" as, if even half of what you are saying is true, he is extremely immature.

Why would you allow him to treat your children so badly? It's bad enough that you are willing to accept this behaviour yourself, but it must be screwing up your kids. You are their mother, its up to you to protect them fgs. He brings nothing to the table and gets to mess with their heads by disappearing whenever he feels like it, meanwhile they watch their mother welcome him back every time.

Just pack up his things and tell him to go.
He doesn't respect you, or your children. In fact, you are not being kind to your children by allowing this man's attitude.

Thank you for all the advice , I must need my head checked when I look at all the facts why don’t I see it for what it really is , I think because we have been friends for over 20 years and in the relationship for 10 I dont want to throw away the memories and loose him for good , but deep down I know he will never change and it hurts me to know I put my kids through this too especially when we promised them big changes this time and it has failed again, I can’t count on him to financially support us or not abandon us again and what makes it worse is he’s 9 years older than me and acts like a child like most of you have said .