Just messaged my parents that I’m separating from my husband

[StripeySeaCreature]

Help! I’ve just sent the message to tell them we are separating. Aaagh! Obviously ideally I would have told them in person but my mum is very highly strung and has a tendency to catastrophize and see the worst case scenario. I will see them at the weekend and explain in person. How did you tell your parents you were getting divorced? My ex has already said that my parents will be on his side (I was the one who ended it) They are very old fashioned and anti divorce. Thanks for reading.

Stay calm and string. That is all you can do.

my mum is very highly strung and has a tendency to catastrophize and see the worst case scenario

Minimise what you tell people like this. Be casual, you’re making conversation, not asking permission. Their opinion isn’t what matters here, any more than my opinion.

Don’t explain. Just rinse and repeat it’s over, we will be divorcing.

Thank you. I feel very guilty like I’m putting them through a lot of stress and they are the types that care deeply what others think. I feel guilty as they already have a lot on their plate but really they will just be coming to visit me in a different house and getting used to that. They are unaware of how my ex could behave and treat me although I do remember my Mum scoffing when I told her about the midwife’s question-“Is he kind?” And she said - did you say no he’s not, he is always criticising you? So maybe she is more aware than I think.

My mum has text back - why? X

You are not answerable to them.

You do not have to consider their feelings on this. At All.

You do not have to apologise or explain.

If your mother has to ask Why, she clearly hasn’t had your back during your marriage, has she?

I’ve left due to emotional abuse, she was unaware of how bad things could be but I did tell her about a couple of things like him calling me an imbecile and a couple of other things. She was mostly in the dark though.

Im currently going through divorce, nearly at the end. My parents arent around anymore but ive kept who ive told to two friends and his parents. It was my decision after years of issues.

ive kept back most of whats gone on as i dont want to discuss it with others. Ive just kept to the same story- after all these years, weve fizzled out and different people. Plus hes a big drinker and tbh i dont want that in my life/kids life going forwards. The end. As far as i know, no other friends/family/work colleagues know about it.

its actually quite hilarious how ive kept it quiet. Just keep repeating the same lines and dont go into details. Spend less time with your parents if they are going to upset you

Keep very firmly in mind that this is not about them, this is about you.

They are allowed to have their feelings, and opinions, sure, but you are the one in the relationship, who is now undergoing the stress and trauma of ending it.

It is not your role in this to support them and their feelings, and as a grown adult who was the one in the relationship, you are the one with the knowledge of how it was, and why you ended it. You don't need their approval, but they should give you their support, tacit, if nothing else.

TLDR, they don't have to make it better, but they shouldn't make it worse.

Tell them a fair complit this is happening. I’m not discussing it. Nope I’m not discussing it. Don’t need to see them and talk to them - it’s not their marriage.

My parents were very upset and not initially very helpful to me. My mum's main concern appeared to be what she would tell people when she bumped into them in Waitrose. I had to say via my sister that I couldn't really deal with that concern right at that point. It was helpful that my sister was kind of a middle man for us, she was very supportive to me.
It hurt that my mum was worried about what people would think, and also made unhelpful comments such as how perhaps I should have waited until the children had left home (another 12 years at least!)

I would tell your mother that he was emotionally abusive and give a couple of examples. She may surprise you.

OP, if they are rude enough to question you further, I'd just say I wasn't happy and I wasn't prepared to waste my life being miserable.

And repeat, as many times as necessary.

I feel guilty that I messaged them and didn’t Say face to face but I know how my mum can react and I can’t deal with a huge dramatic overreaction right now. I know I owe it to them to tell them face to face.

I know I owe it to them to tell them face to face.

You say this like it's a fact but this is your relationship breakup, your divorce and your private business - they are not owed anything. You are making your own life harder by imposing their expectations on yourself.

I think this is a fair question if it's come out of the blue for them, and you should be honest with her about your reasons.

You don’t owe her anything. I think laying the groundwork in this way and then seeing them face to face is a good way to handle it.

Just be honest and tell her there has been more emotional abuse than you’ve made them be aware of. You don’t owe them a face to face telling of anything, this is personal and you’re allowed to take your time. Messaging gives you time to breath and think and time for them to also have any negative knee jerk reactions in private and be prepared to have more supportive responses when they see you in person.

I would something like
”he’s become increasingly nasty and bullying and I’m not prepared to
put up with it any longer. Sorry, I didn’t tell you in person and that this may come as a shock, but I really hope I can count on you for your support as I navigate these coming weeks and months alone.

“I will explain better when I see you, but he’s just getting nastier and nastier. It seemed foolish to wait for him injure me”

I don’t think your mum has done anything wrong here in asking why. Just be factual with her. Her responses might even surprise you.

This- or just change the last bit to keep the emphasis on you and your feelings. Their actions and responses are down to them after all. So something like:

”he’s become increasingly nasty and bullying and I’m not prepared to
put up with it any longer. Sorry, I didn’t tell you in person and that this may come as a shock. It's been upsetting and I'm not sure I'm up to talking about it too much x"

When I told my mother I was divorcing my then husband, she spent the next 2 weeks trying to persuade me not to. She didn't care about my feelings one iota, all she cared about was 'what the neighbours would think' and the 'shame' of having her only daughter divorced at age 24. But then again, my mother is a narcissist and I was stupid enough to think that she would offer me emotional support (she never had up to that point, and never has since).

This was in the days before mobile phones, I wish to God then had existed then as I would have refused to communicate by anything but messaging until she had calmed the fuck down.

I also want to back up what previous posters have said - you don't 'owe' your parents anything.

Yes she should be honest with them, but she doesn't have to reply immediately or to have the conversation by text.

It's fine to mull things over before replying.

It's not rude to talk to your children about life events!!