Just messaged my parents that I’m separating from my husband

[StripeySeaCreature]

Help! I’ve just sent the message to tell them we are separating. Aaagh! Obviously ideally I would have told them in person but my mum is very highly strung and has a tendency to catastrophize and see the worst case scenario. I will see them at the weekend and explain in person. How did you tell your parents you were getting divorced? My ex has already said that my parents will be on his side (I was the one who ended it) They are very old fashioned and anti divorce. Thanks for reading.

I find it really sad that at a time when you need family support you are so worried about their feelings and reactions. I can't imagine not being 100% behind my DD in this situation
Prioritise yourself OP, and they can either like it or lump it

How old is your mum OP? Her views on the break up of a marriage seem very old fashioned. Divorce is commonplace nowadays and there is no stigma about it any more.

Surely if you are the child who has always done well, they can trust your judgement and know that you wouldn't be doing this without a good reason?

Instead of supporting and helping you (apart from the gift of £10), she is behaving as though she is the victim and she is the one who deserves support and compassion.

She is in her late seventies but even so her views are very old fashioned. Even blaming my going out to work etc, I hope she will eventually come around, she keeps saying she has failed me. Keeps saying how much my husband and have going for us compared to how little she and my dad had when I was growing up, yes we have a nice car, nice house, my husband is in a good job but that is no guarantee for a healthy marriage etc.

@thepariscrimefiles She is behaving as though she is the victim and she is the one who deserves support and compassion.

thepariscrimefiles has hit the nail on the head. It's exactly how my mother reacted, it was all about her and her feelings. Really fucking pissed me off at the time, and 34 years later still does!

For the love of God @StripeySeaCreature , I hope you disabused her of the notion that she and your father would be meeting up with you and your stbxh - your mother needs to have it made clear to her that NONE of this is really any of her business. You aren't a child anymore and you don't have to run any decisions by her.

@StripeySeaCreature

Hold tight lovely! You know you're doing the right thing and as you know she'll come around (largely) eventually!

if course it's not the reaction you'd want in an ideal world, but reality is seldom pretty!

my parents took it really badly & 'tried to help' but made it more stressful. But to be fair, they had treat him like a son & were absolutely devastated (so was I!). Even when I eventually told them he was having an affair (he was, but denied it) they thought we should 'work on it' ( be a more traditional wife & not expect so much from him (around the house) he couldn't have done much less). They 'spoke' to him (basically accepted his version 😳😳) it was all very messy 🙇🏻‍♀️ but we all got through it in the end.

hang in there 🤗

I dont really understand why YOUR divorce is anyone else's business?

You already know your mother is an exhausting woman who overreacts, you've made that clear. Why bother evening telling her until you've moved out and it's final.

I told mine months later, they were very much “ok dear let us know if you need anything”

She's making this about her.

My dm couldn't believe it when I split from exdh. She was incredulous. She put up with a lot more from df.

She ended up loving dh2. I hadn't met him then. Exdh and I stayed friends which I knew we would.

Im so sorry OP, my mum was like this initially...she hasn't improved much to be honest. I've accepted it and moved on but it's hurtful and honestly just an extra burden you don't need while dealing with the breakdown of a marriage. No advice ,just sympathies!

Why are you saying things like “yikes!” And “sigh!. You don’t have to put up with it. You are an adult. Do what works for you and say thats it. Something along the lines of “ I will let you know when and where I can meet you. You will appreciate I have a lot going on at the moment. I will not be meeting up with xxx. If you want to talk to him yourself thats up to you.”

She still wants to hold a meeting between myself and soon to be ex and herself and my Dad. Suggested marriage counselling despite my telling her about the name calling and emotional abuse.

Just broken-record her with "no mum, that won't be happening. It's too late for all that".

Stated that she knew my husband wasn’t “right” but she just accepted the way he was.

Remind her of this "as you said the other day, you knew he wasn't right.. you're right mum"

Finally she said as you are a single parent now you will need help - she rooted in her purse and handed me a tenner 🙈

Bless her 😂I know it's probably not funny to you right now, but LOL.

I think she needs told that this “heartbreak” is yours. Not hers. She is making this entirely about herself and her own hurt (ahem, embarrassment) in a time she needs to be supporting you. Age is irrelevant. Her reaction is selfish and self serving and frankly quite cold and non maternal.

My parents lived thousands of miles away so it had to be a phone call. Texting wasn’t ubiquitous yet.

my mother took it in stride. I’m pretty sure she was relieved. I know my father wasn’t particularly fond of my XH, but he still called me back the next day and asked why I couldn’t make it work. I think my dad took it personally because he wasn’t a good husband to my mother. My response was that I could tell him everything my XH had done, but I didn’t want my father to hate my XH.

Honestly, your mum can fuck off. She sounds like a complete moron. Very similar to how my parents reacted to my divorce 20 years ago, and they wonder why I don’t bother with them much now also in their old age.

What does she think marriage is, if she wants you to stay in an abusive one?

Chin up OP, you’ve got the rest of your life now to get on enjoying. Good luck!

Totally get why you did it by message, sometimes that’s just the path of least emotional chaos, especially when you know your mum might react strongly. You’re not alone in this at all.

When I told my parents (also old-fashioned and anti-divorce), I actually wrote them a letter and handed it to them when I visited. It gave me time to get my thoughts out clearly without being interrupted or overwhelmed by their reaction. Then I was able to sit with them and talk it through calmly after they’d had time to digest it.

My mum surprised me by being way more supportive than I expected once the initial shock wore off. Give them some time, and remember, their loyalty might wobble at first, but in the long run, you’re their child and they’ll come around. You did what’s right for you. 💛

There seems to be a lot of anti-mum people commenting! I’d have thought mum was the first person we all turn to?

Maybe consider that not everyone is that lucky?

Goodness me, your Mum is making the entire situation about herself! She's not divorcing your husband, you are!! I understand she may be disappointed your marriage hasn't worked out, but the crying, wailing and heartbreak, is utterly ridiculous!! She should be supporting you in your decision, and most certainly not suggesting a meeting with herself, your Dad and husband to talk it all through!!!! That's nothing short of mortifyingly embarrassing! I hope to God, you tell her where she can shove her meeting!! Ultimately, it's none of her business.

I wouldn’t (and didn’t). We just don’t have that kind of relationship.

A friend did this to me when I left my now exh. She spent 2 hours talking AT me about why I shouldn’t leave then decided to take his “side” as I had more people supporting me than he did. Our friendship did not survive.

you don’t need a meeting and counselling is not a good idea with an abusive ex. Just tell her it’s fine and you don’t wish, or need to have a meeting about it.

Yes I know that and I am one that sadly doesn’t really have a mum now (dementia) but when she was well I would think it would be reasonable to talk to her about it

Yeah, I'm another that would only present my mother with a fait accompli, and certainly not with any expectation of support. Because my mother too, would make it all about her. And having heard her appallingly intrusive and humiliating questions when my sister's marriage failed to her serially unfaithful, and emotionally and physically abusive husband, I reckon I'd sent it by email!

It's that myth that everyone can turn to their Mum that is so bloody heartbreaking for those that can't - and means they keep hurting themselves trying to do so - hoping that this time it will be different.

@GentleJadeOP Christ NO!

All of what @mbosnz has posted above. My mother is literally the LAST person I would look to for emotional support - she has proven numerous times in the nearly 40 years since I became an adult that she is simply not capable of it.

My older brother was divorced from his wife of approx 20 years recently. I say 'recently' because he didn't tell my mother until both him and his now ex wife had both bought a new property each...and considering how long buying a house in the UK takes, they could have actually been divorced for a couple of years. He knew if he told her before/during the divorce process she would have reacted very badly, tried to stop him and made it all about her. She did exactly the same when I divorced my first husband when I was 25.

Some mothers make a bad situation even worse.

Tell her to not come up if she does not plan on supporting your decision fully.

She's being an arse.

You did it the way that felt right for you just send a reply back saying i will tell you about it when I am ready.