Just messaged my parents that I’m separating from my husband

[StripeySeaCreature]

Help! I’ve just sent the message to tell them we are separating. Aaagh! Obviously ideally I would have told them in person but my mum is very highly strung and has a tendency to catastrophize and see the worst case scenario. I will see them at the weekend and explain in person. How did you tell your parents you were getting divorced? My ex has already said that my parents will be on his side (I was the one who ended it) They are very old fashioned and anti divorce. Thanks for reading.

I’d be telling her until she can support me leaving an abusive partner and giving my children a safe and happy home she can keep her distance.

Cancel the meeting. There is nothing positive to be gained from it, she’s made herself clear.

You were meeting her out of respect for her, because she deserved to understand. That’s no longer the case. She’s chosen not to understand, chosen to refuse to listen to you.

Message her saying ‘on reflection I am not able to see you tomorrow- there’s too much going on and I need to prioritise getting us moved. I’ll see you when things have settled down a bit.”

Until she’s able to be supportive, she’s an unnecessary drain on your resources

Then you respond. Ok mum but then I think its best if we leave it for now. I will call you next week ok. Bye

Some people in life are drains. Others are radiators OP. You only need the latter right now.

My mum, now deceased, became dramatic when I told her I was divorcing her dsil after twenty years of marriage. I told her to talk to any one but me about the ins and outs and the whys and wherefore…she came from a huge, gossipy family, and for the first few weeks seemed more worried about what to tell them and what they thought, than her 3 grandchildren and me. After she calmed down, saw that I was in control and my decision was set in stone, she was an amazing support, which I am still grateful for.

It’s your life, your decision, so see and tell what you want and who you want. Focus on you and your kids. That’s all that matters.

I told my Dad, who was amazing. Mum has never uttered his name from that day to this.

My ex also assumed my parents would take his side in his abuse of me- they did not.

"Don't upset him"!
CHRIST.
You will know your mum and what support you can and can't expect from her. Draw from your friends and your own strength, and keep everything calm and minimum information with your mum. When she sees you've made your mind up she will back off and probably sulk. When she sees you and the kids are fine, in fact better, she will be ok again.
And probably go round telling people how proud she is and how she helped you divorce!!

This. When I told my parents I was divorcing exh because he cheated on me my Dad was far more supportive than my Mum. That hurt me. Dad offered financial, emotional and practical support. Mum asked what I'd done to make him look elsewhere.

Bet she wouldnt have asked the same question if you had been the one who cheated

If she isn't coming up to offer you unconditional support, tell her that she's not welcome.

So she thinks that women should stay in abusive marriages if there are children? She sounds like a pretty shit mum and is making it all about her by telling you that she's cried all day long and is devastated. She should be supporting you.

Agree with this but would be nice if they could support you positively too.

Thank you. I do appreciate that this is still brand new information for my parents and it’s a huge shock. My mum did say she knew he wasn’t right (mentally!) but didn’t know he was capable of what I told her. To be fair she reacted in a similar manner when I told her I was getting engaged, when I was pregnant, when I first moved out! She will be fine when she’s calmed down but it’s not what I need right now.

Yikes? You're an adult. Remember that and stop reverting back to being a child.

Staying in a bad marriage for sake of the kids is absolutely bonkers and is not fair, not sensible, stupid and not a good idea.

It’s not your job to hand hold them through this, it’s their job to support you. If they won’t do that, you need to find ways to protect yourself x

But she does not have to come up tomorrow if you simply say no, which is what you should do.
If you wish to ask her to talk it all over with you or want her help it is reasonable, but you do not. So you must say so.
She has no role in this at all except to be a support to you, should you ask for this.
Tell her not to come.

It is not unreasonable that she should feel sad ... she had hoped your future was settled, but there is nothing for her to discuss with except by your invitation.

A fair complit??

Surely an autocorrect fait accompli

Sounds like you handled this just right 👍
So she’ll be in your corner okay, just needs a little time to get over her wobble and stop thinking silly stuff like talking with him about it. Good on you, sure she’ll be fine, hope everything else works out okay for you. And frankly if your biggest worry was your mum’s reaction - you’re head is probably in a pretty good place already, all things considered.

Update - I’ve met up with them face to face now as I would have had to face them eventually! My mums reaction was not good - she told me she had cried all day long after I told her, said she was devastated and heartbroken. Told me “You had better not broadcast this over Facebook!” I would never do that. Said she wouldn’t be telling the family for a long long time. She also asked - “Is it because you are a working mother?” She has now refused to set foot back in the marital home (for example if ex and I host a party there for one DC) as she couldn’t just pretend everything was okay. She still wants to hold a meeting between myself and soon to be ex and herself and my Dad. Suggested marriage counselling despite my telling her about the name calling and emotional abuse. Stated that she knew my husband wasn’t “right” but she just accepted the way he was. Finally she said as you are a single parent now you will need help - she rooted in her purse and handed me a tenner 🙈

Long update! I am giving her time as it has been a shock to her and my Dad.

Oh dear! Your mother obviously wrongly thinks you're incapable of handling your own affairs. I really would stall the meeting. Ok, she's in shock but to not offer you any sympathy seems quite odd.

Oh bless her with the money! It’s a shock, hopefully she will come around. Don’t worry about them now, just focus on you and your kids

I am trying to be patient with them as it’s been a huge shock and as they have had a lot of issues with my sibling I was always the one who had done well. I will give them time and I know they will adjust eventually.

I agree

Oh dear. Honestly. At least it’s done and dusted and you can more or less discount her for a while.

Hope you spend that tenner on some nice flowers/chocolate for yourself. (a tenner on flowers only goes far in Aldi...)

Don’t be afraid to tell her how you really
feel OP