Just messaged my parents that I’m separating from my husband

[StripeySeaCreature]

Help! I’ve just sent the message to tell them we are separating. Aaagh! Obviously ideally I would have told them in person but my mum is very highly strung and has a tendency to catastrophize and see the worst case scenario. I will see them at the weekend and explain in person. How did you tell your parents you were getting divorced? My ex has already said that my parents will be on his side (I was the one who ended it) They are very old fashioned and anti divorce. Thanks for reading.

Because he’s abusive mum. End of, your issue is you think you have to justify it. You don’t, your answer could be because he blows his nose funny and she’s have to accept it.

you are not responsible for her feelings, you cannot control how she reacts.

It's a fair question but you wouldn't just say "why?" would you, you'd want to say other things as well to make sure your DC knew they had your empathy and support.

I'd text back "he treated me much worse than I ever told you and I can't live my life like that" or similar. You can do this. Well done for finding the strength to leave him.

Edited because autocorrect is an idiot.

My mother always thinks whatever goes wrong is down to me so I told her much. When I split with child’s father she wasn’t very emotionally supportive but I’m learning to not give a shit what she thinks.

If her first question wasn’t ‘are you ok!’
then you don’t owe them an explanation.

I hope you are ok OP,you have done an incredibly brave thing x

Reply saying that you have a very good reason, and will explain when you can talk to them properly.

Her reply asking why is no0t unreasonable, although I would have also added something about are you OK? - anything we can do?

I suspect that you will find when you speak to her that she knows more than you think.

In fact you need say no more than "We were unhappy together" if you do not wish to elaborate.

Take a look at Alice Miller’s famous (short) book “Drama of the Gifted Child.” It explores how difficult and painful it is to grow up with parents who are detached from your experience, deny your experience, and obsessed with appearances and getting their needs met. There is so much wrong in how little you can expect from your mother.

Op I was in a car crash years ago while pregnant, I rang my mum grudgingly thinking she’d be dramatic and overly worried and she turned out to be all that I needed. People surprise you.

If I’m honest I wouldn’t want to get a text message over a huge life changing event from anyone but it happens and hopefully they’ll be what you need. Take care x

Sorry to hear you went through that, hope you are okay now xx

Just say “you wouldn’t want me to live like this.”

I don't think messaging is the place for getting into all that though, so for now just say you'll explain at the weekend but just wanted to give them a heads up in case they heard from someone else. You can maybe close it off saying not to worry about you, it's the right thing to do and you're going to be better when it's all done. Something like that just so the focus is on you not him or them, and should hopefully head them off from making it about them. Good luck, OP, it sounds tough but you have done the right thing and don't need their approval.

I went through something similar - I just told my mother that I couldn't cope with my exh's behaviour anymore, and I had to leave him.

The responses over the next few months varied from "don't upset him" to "I told you so" to "why did you put up with it for so long" - absolutely no actual emotional or practical support.

Once I'd had a lot of therapy and processed the abusive marriage, I had to unpick the relationship with my mother.

Can you get some therapy and help you through this? Oh, and it is a million times better on the other side, I promise.

Be honest with your parents and I very much hope they will support you

Other than telling them it’s happened- no, you don’t owe them anything. They sort of owe you their support, but they may yet surprise you: I hope so. I still remember telling my family, and my sister saying ‘The only thing I’m surprised about is that you were brave enough to leave her’. It meant so much - no questions, just support. Hope you get the same

I feel very guilty like I’m putting them through a lot of stress and they are the types that care deeply what others think

Seems to me that you're deep in the fear, obligation and guilt, aka FOG.

Unless you've been entirely unreasonable, it's the parents' role to support their child.

If they care that much about what others think, that is their problem, and their concern. Not yours. I hope that you can remember 'what others think of me is none of my concern'.

Separation is very difficult but things can be so much better the other side. So, so, so, so, much better. Keep on!

To use a phrase:

"Why?"

"Thanks for checking I'm ok Mum... Why? Because I'm unhappy and life's too short. I don't need to give you a blow by blow explanation to justify my decision. Asking me for one, is grossly disrespectful. I wouldn't have done this until I felt I had exhausted all possible alternative and felt there was no alternative to protect my own wellbeing."

Just spoke to my mum, she told me she’s cried all day long, she’s devastated, she wants to come up and have a meeting with my ex and I to talk to us aaagh(not going to happen) I told her the awful stuff he’s said to me and threatened and she suggested marriage counselling and that couples should always stay together when there children involved. She’s coming up tomorrow yikes!

Do not agree to it.

It's not for her to be devastated.

She's being abusive herself.

@StripeySeaCreature

I really wish that I could explain the dynamic of what is happening here. It took me 2 years of therapy to learn, and it was hard work!

I'm going to PM you, but this is to do with boundaries and people pleasing.

Your job is not to make your mum feel better. Cancel the meeting with her, say you will be in touch when you are ready.

Absolutely no to her talking to you both. There's no benefit to any children you have to have parents who aren't happy together, especially when one is abusive. Couples counselling isn't appropriate in abusive relationships either.

Stand your ground, you don't need to explain your reasons to anyone, not even your parents.

She wanted to meet up tomorrow and I agreed although I am busy setting up the new house. I offered to meet her for a cup of tea near to my new place (not to show her it) but she said there’s no way she will go near that area until I’m there with my children. Sigh!

I did exactly what you did! Texted.