Should I talk to my wife about her cheating 20 years ago?

[Tyg46]

Looking for help and advice please. I'm desperate.
Married for 20 years. Great relationship. Amazing kids. Good life.

A long time ago I suspected her of cheating - 2008/09. No concrete evidence. Just a timeline of odd things. But her job is in a male environment so there was a lot bonding and banter. She always denied and got upset.

2010 - 2024 life was great. I never thought or spoke of it again. But, as we moved house in 24, I found some stuff. In 2007 she spent some weekdays away on a course for a few weeks. We missed each other so much. I recently found folders of her notes. And in it was a childish letter which was clearly being shared with a male colleague in class.

The jist of the scribbles are him asking her if she's OK. Telling her she looks cheeky, asking her what she's thinking. She then writes that if she wasn't married she'd educate him. Being married means she has to walk away from him even though she fancies him. He jokes about leaving the class and she asks if its for a quickie. The notes clearly show they haven't done anything up to this point as she's saying no, I'm married I have to behave etc. Him.saying, you wouldn't do this etc. But, she says, she has to behave because she'll be drinking at the night out 'tomorrow ' and she can't be thinking dirty thoughts.

Do I trust her? I honestly don't know. Was she enjoying the power over him and reading him. Or did something happen at the party the next night?

My world has fallen apart. Should I show her the notes? She'll just get mad and deny. Although she can't deny the words. It's too long ago right?

Just talk to her. If you're close surely that's what everyone would do.

In a word - no

Grow up. It’s 20 years ago, nothing happened other than a bit of flirting. She didn’t do anything has stayed with you and built a nice life together

Go smash it up if you wish, otherwise just burn the letter and carry on with life

i say again it was 20 years ago and she is still with you

Did that stuff include huge folders of 20 year old training notes from a course you didn’t go on, for an industry in which you don’t work? As that, extremely specifically, is what I’ve said is unreasonable.

I agree with 'let sleeping dogs lie' - no good can come of this

Lever arch files of generic printed material is entirely your invention, nothing about the OP indicates that these were anything of the kind.

He’s the one who said the nature of the notes was confidential, so take that up with him. There’s certainly lots of notes in my line of work that would be considered varying levels of confidential, but I wouldn’t leave those lying around for anyone to read.

In your example, said person wouldn’t have written either the textbook or novel. So, no, not snooping. Reading a notebook, in which they had written (whatever it was), yes, snooping. Unless you had express permission. And, no, I wouldn’t consider that particularly broad.

It did include a whole bunch of uni work from over 20 years ago, from a course I didn't do.

"Just chuck out any uni stuff" she said, meaning I need to scan through it all to check it is actually uni stuff

I couldn’t not say anything. That’s not to say I wouldn’t forgive. But I couldn’t just say nothing, I would have to ask what actually happened.

The OP said “training notes” which in the many courses I have had to attend was exactly what I described. Folders of printed material where you make your own notes on the side if you think there is something added you feel is of value.

My training materials have been in multiple fields across several industries so I suspect that is what the OP is referring too. Perhaps your line of work expect you to only rely upon what ever you can handwrite and provide no materials as a basis. I suspect this is a unique situation for whatever field you work in.

OP did not say the materials did contain confidential material he said “best to go through and remove anything that might be confidential.” So not that training material was confidential but he was unsure if something was which was why he was checking. I have certainly been on training where the training materials provided was not confidential but perhaps someone give a hand out that has a specific example as a case study or someone verbally describes one and some people wrote down. This is fairly normal in a corporate environment.

You seem to be looking to interpret generic material as sensitive, or perhaps you don’t have much breath of experience.

You’re mixing up course materials and notes. Notes = stuff you’ve written yourself. That’s what the word means. Again, Folders of printed material where you make your own notes on the side if you think there is something added you feel is of value is something you’ve made up yourself.

No. He said Oh and given the nature of the notes, prob best to go through and remove anything that might be confidential. Indicating that the nature of the notes was the reason they might contain something confidential. Again, that’s what the words mean.

You seem to be looking to distort language and create a narrative in which the above is not what he said (it is, in black and white) and his behaviour is perfectly rational. Perhaps you have experience of behaving similarly.

In the training my colleagues refer to “notes” to cover all materials, the printed ones and the additions they wrote in. On courses the providers used the same terminology, when I have helped design training it is how we referred to our printed materials. So, it seems likely to me that the OP is using the term in the same way.

Your “well technically” approach of saying how you define the term and then apply it to the OP is odd. I had assumed that this was a lack of experience but increasingly it sounds like motivated reasoning. In reality the English language is different from French or Spanish, we have no equivalent of the Académie Française so you need to look at the normal usage and the context of what is being communicated. I am representing how language is used nothing needs distorting, you are trying to proscribe a very specific meaning.

We could ask @Tyg46 if he has used “notes” to refer to both the printed materials and any hand written parts or if he was just talking about hand written material.

As for have I also looked through course notes to throw them out. Yes my DP and I have moved house before and when we sit there just grabbing old notes from old training or uni courses the throw out. Each of us just scanning through (sometimes our own sometimes the others) looking for things that may need other disposal, or funny examples to show the other. I have also had to do this in a work context when people have been on a course and brought the notes back to the office and put them on a shelf a “shared resource” and when we reorganised the office we have to check and dispose of out-of-date materials. This is actually the normal behaviour.

However you came across the material, you've found it now and it is playing on your mind. The way I see it, you have 4 choices,

1. Leave her.
2. Confront her and run the risk of her lying (or telling the truth but you don't believe it). This could end your relationship or it could survive.
3. Saying nothing, keeping the peace and continuing with the relationship as it is - good, happy and stable but you run the risk of resentment building.
4. Seek counselling alone to process your feelings about what you found and what it means to you. Then you can decide whether or not to discuss it with your wife.

If it were me, I'd do 4.

It’s interesting that you chose to reply to me without tagging or quoting me. I wonder why. So I wouldn’t see it?

In the training my colleagues refer to “notes” to cover all materials, the printed ones and the additions they wrote in. On courses the providers used the same terminology, when I have helped design training it is how we referred to our printed materials. So, it seems likely to me that the OP is using the term in the same way.

You are free to claim this. I don’t agree, it’s not been my experience and that’s not what the words mean.

Your “well technically” approach of saying how you define the term and then apply it to the OP is odd. I had assumed that this was a lack of experience but increasingly it sounds like motivated reasoning. In reality the English language is different from French or Spanish, we have no equivalent of the Académie Française so you need to look at the normal usage and the context of what is being communicated. I am representing how language is used nothing needs distorting, you are trying to proscribe a very specific meaning.

I’m doing no such thing. I’m ascribing the usual (and accurate) meaning to words. You are distorting them, literally entirely skipping the words and phrases you don’t like, and constructing a narrative entirely of your own making. That is very odd indeed. I wonder what you’re motivated by?

You’re very committed to defending this. To the extent that you’re literally making things up. Nothing about that is normal. I’m going to stop engaging with your weirdness, so feel free to comment again and have the last word.

@ForZanyAquaViewer , @Thisistyresome Guys, guys! Get your own thread!

You are free to claim what ever you like about the “usual” meaning that is purely your subjective impression. If this was the 1960s that would be accurate but we are not.

If you go to a training provider of general subject training, like BPP, you will see they describe the printer materials as “Lecture notes;” universities (I know Birkbeck do) refer to material they provide as “course notes;” there is a niche in industry that sell pre-printed subject material under various titles of “notes;” and, as I said, I have worked with professional bespoke training providers who refer to the printed material provided as “notes.”

You have asserted a meaning completely removed from the training industry and use this to make accusations of others of “distorting.”

You have choses a very strange point to fixate on, but accuse me of “weirdness” by simply pointing out your assumption about OPs meaning is probably wrong. I suggest you don’t really have much grasp of what “normal” is. You are very fixated on widely used (in a professional context) language not meaning what it does. You seem fully convinced of others being “baddies” so I suppose you are fully committed now. I don’t expect a level of self-awareness that would allow you have an open mind on the matter.

You may not think it important, but if you read the thread then you will see a number of people seem to assume that the OP is his wife’s privacy. Which would be the case if we were talking about reading a diary or similar but if flicking through the mass of paper people came back from a training course with years ago before throwing it in the bin is rather different.

It would matter how you would respond to someone, depending on the behaviour that lead to the discovery. If it was read in a diary and regular invasions of privacy were normal that is one thing, if it was stumbled across as part of a normal clear out that is quite different.

@Thisistyresome Are you okay?! Go lie down or something.

Really simple. If you want an explanation either leave the notes out or say hey I found these when clearing the attic what’s the script?
Don’t quite understand wider Queens Gambit type speculation or thinking moves ahead.
If you want to know just ask imho.