Should I talk to my wife about her cheating 20 years ago?

[Tyg46]

Looking for help and advice please. I'm desperate.
Married for 20 years. Great relationship. Amazing kids. Good life.

A long time ago I suspected her of cheating - 2008/09. No concrete evidence. Just a timeline of odd things. But her job is in a male environment so there was a lot bonding and banter. She always denied and got upset.

2010 - 2024 life was great. I never thought or spoke of it again. But, as we moved house in 24, I found some stuff. In 2007 she spent some weekdays away on a course for a few weeks. We missed each other so much. I recently found folders of her notes. And in it was a childish letter which was clearly being shared with a male colleague in class.

The jist of the scribbles are him asking her if she's OK. Telling her she looks cheeky, asking her what she's thinking. She then writes that if she wasn't married she'd educate him. Being married means she has to walk away from him even though she fancies him. He jokes about leaving the class and she asks if its for a quickie. The notes clearly show they haven't done anything up to this point as she's saying no, I'm married I have to behave etc. Him.saying, you wouldn't do this etc. But, she says, she has to behave because she'll be drinking at the night out 'tomorrow ' and she can't be thinking dirty thoughts.

Do I trust her? I honestly don't know. Was she enjoying the power over him and reading him. Or did something happen at the party the next night?

My world has fallen apart. Should I show her the notes? She'll just get mad and deny. Although she can't deny the words. It's too long ago right?

What do you want to come out of it?

Great question. I don't know. I guess it makes me wonder if she's cheated with him AND others? Is our marriage a lie? We are incredibly close and there's a very good chance she didn't do anything physical with him. The letter reads like does enjoying the power. Is that a thing? I guess I'm hoping she'll convince me she's innocent. Open up and explain.

Well she was definitely sailing close to the wind, but it reads to me that she was enjoying the attention and flirting but also putting in boundaries even in the notes. If you're strong now personally I wouldn't, if I didn't have concerns about her at the moment.

It was 20 years ago, she is still with you.

Sounds like she flirted with someone a very long time ago. She'll have grown and changed since then.

Do you usually intrude on her privacy? It comes across as though you've finally found something that confirms your suspicions.

You’ll probably get more information out of her if you approach it gently, in a way that makes her believe all will be forgiven. That also helps if you intend to stay with her, if she cheated. I don’t know what your personal boundaries are for your relationship, but for a lot of people even just flirting and talking about sex like that crosses a line.

Def no recent concerns with her

If I told anybody, friends. Family about this they'd burst out laughing as we are a very close couple. It's just horrendous to see her write these words.

I think you need to sit with it for a little while and decide what you need and want from this. There are a few possibilities and you need to be prepared for them all.

1. You confront her, she denies, you don’t believe her and are resentful
2. you confront her, she admits it, you get over it
3. you confront her, she admits it, you don’t get over it and you split up
4. You decide it doesn’t matter so don’t confront her as you know even if she did cheat that she’s a different person now than 20 years ago, you trust her now, and your life together means more than a potential ONS when she was a lot younger.

Can you live with never knowing? If she admitted it could you forgive? What is your best case scenario?

Oh, mate.

My wife had an affair 15 years ago, with absolute proof and she had no choice but to admit it, and I suspect it wasn't her first, and I have my reasons for that. But - I confront her, and she denies it.

Either she's denying it because it didn't happen, or because it did but she knows there's absolutely no proof. Where would we be then?

My wife did have an affair. You don't know yours did, and you have no other evidence. At the very least, wait a couple of weeks, then think again. Once you act there's no going back.

If you have a good relationship now, that's enough.

It doesn’t sound like she’s done anything wrong. This man should have taken no for an answer the first time.

Would you say that is flirting. To me it's way more. She also writes that a quick screw can do the job. That's when he says she wouldn't etc. It's pretty hard core flirting. Or is this normal?

Remember the old saying "Let sleeping dogs..."

Unless you want to be single?

All you've got is a silly note shortly after you'd married, you don't how she would react to this, it may not go the way you think/want.

If she had cheated, do you consider your wife an idiot? she would have got rid of all evidence, inc that note.

No, that isn’t normal

Why did she keep the note at all? For 20 years?

Great advice everyone thank u so much.

It's odd she had his part of the conversation on a separate piece of paper.

Thing is she made two great girlfriends on the course. I met them both. One of them used to say my wife missed me terribly on the course and would speak about me all the time.
If she did cheat. I genuinely believe her two friends would have found out and she'd have never introduced me to them.

Honestly, it sounds like she got a bit flirty with a colleague 20 years ago. Is there really any point in a confrontation? If it did go any further, she's highly unlikely to admit it and you won't have any proof one way or the other. If I were you, I'd focus on the here and now and the fact that you have a good close relationship now.

This is not appropriate conversation for a married woman to be having. Even if she is saying she would never do those things it’s almost like sexting would be today. It’s hurtful and for some people they would see it as cheating without the physical aspect.

But it was 20 years ago and do you want to blow up your life over it?

Still doesn’t make it right and you have every right to feel betrayed. If you need closure on it then bring up how it made you feel reading it. You don’t need to accuse her of actually sleeping with him to feel hurt by it.

Good questions about the evidence. She won't have kept it. It was folders of course notes. Huge thick folders. Just two bits of paper, her bit and his, in amongst the notes. No idea why she didn't crumple and bin it later that day.

I’d let it go, it was a long time ago. Raising it could end up destroying your marriage. Up to you though, if it’s going to eat away at you, ask her. But prepare that you might not like the answer, and what happens if she says she did have a fling?

I know. Whilst I so desperately want her to give me the details, she might never tell the truth. And if she did say she was innocent. I might not believe her. It's 100% going to eat me up for some time.

This ^

Talk to a trusted friend. You're welcome to PM me if you think I can help.

Why were you snooping through her course notes from 20 years ago?

They’re course notes! Why should he have expected anything else?

first time commenter here… i’m actually a bit surprised by the comments here! kinda used to it being completely different when it’s a man who’s done this, usually followed by a load of LTB comments!
i do think it’s best to mull it over for a few days, but i know that i’m the type of person to ask - any doubts i’d have about it would eat me up and i’d need to know the truth.
i’d go into it prepared to hear my DP out completely, acknowledging the length of time between then and now. i know i am completely different to even 5 years ago, so one mistake this long ago after being newly married could maybe be forgiven or left in the past.
your past suspicions make me think to trust your gut and follow up, just for peace of mind.

it’s just up to you if the risk of the conversation is worth your life potentially turning upside down, but you can’t let it build up and cause resentment

sending you good luck OP and hope it’s nothing serious xxx