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Original poster

Should I talk to my wife about her cheating 20 years ago?

93 replies

Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 20:25

Looking for help and advice please. I'm desperate.
Married for 20 years. Great relationship. Amazing kids. Good life.

A long time ago I suspected her of cheating - 2008/09. No concrete evidence. Just a timeline of odd things. But her job is in a male environment so there was a lot bonding and banter. She always denied and got upset.

2010 - 2024 life was great. I never thought or spoke of it again. But, as we moved house in 24, I found some stuff. In 2007 she spent some weekdays away on a course for a few weeks. We missed each other so much. I recently found folders of her notes. And in it was a childish letter which was clearly being shared with a male colleague in class.

The jist of the scribbles are him asking her if she's OK. Telling her she looks cheeky, asking her what she's thinking. She then writes that if she wasn't married she'd educate him. Being married means she has to walk away from him even though she fancies him. He jokes about leaving the class and she asks if its for a quickie. The notes clearly show they haven't done anything up to this point as she's saying no, I'm married I have to behave etc. Him.saying, you wouldn't do this etc. But, she says, she has to behave because she'll be drinking at the night out 'tomorrow ' and she can't be thinking dirty thoughts.

Do I trust her? I honestly don't know. Was she enjoying the power over him and reading him. Or did something happen at the party the next night?

My world has fallen apart. Should I show her the notes? She'll just get mad and deny. Although she can't deny the words. It's too long ago right?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 20:56

I wasn't 'snooping'. We were moving house. I was clearing attic. I was checking what to bin and was going through it before I did.

OP posts:
notatinydancer · 01/06/2025 20:57

Are you prepared to blow your whole life up ?
Would you end your marriage if she admitted a one night stand?
if not leave it alone.

Mrsttcno1 · 01/06/2025 20:57

Oh sorry OP what a tough one.

I would mention it because I don’t think I could continue as though I’d never read or been aware of the notes, I would absolutely class it as cheating to be honest- if I found texts like that on my husband’s phone I’d say it’s cheating, I don’t see why it being scribbled on paper makes any difference.

That said though I do see others point of view, so much time has past and you’ll never know if you’ve gotten the truth.

Original poster
Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 20:59

ohwhatcanyoudo · 01/06/2025 20:56

first time commenter here… i’m actually a bit surprised by the comments here! kinda used to it being completely different when it’s a man who’s done this, usually followed by a load of LTB comments!
i do think it’s best to mull it over for a few days, but i know that i’m the type of person to ask - any doubts i’d have about it would eat me up and i’d need to know the truth.
i’d go into it prepared to hear my DP out completely, acknowledging the length of time between then and now. i know i am completely different to even 5 years ago, so one mistake this long ago after being newly married could maybe be forgiven or left in the past.
your past suspicions make me think to trust your gut and follow up, just for peace of mind.

it’s just up to you if the risk of the conversation is worth your life potentially turning upside down, but you can’t let it build up and cause resentment

sending you good luck OP and hope it’s nothing serious xxx

Edited
Show quote history

Thank u

OP posts:
Original poster
Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 21:01

Mrsttcno1 · 01/06/2025 20:57

Oh sorry OP what a tough one.

I would mention it because I don’t think I could continue as though I’d never read or been aware of the notes, I would absolutely class it as cheating to be honest- if I found texts like that on my husband’s phone I’d say it’s cheating, I don’t see why it being scribbled on paper makes any difference.

That said though I do see others point of view, so much time has past and you’ll never know if you’ve gotten the truth.

Oh I'm 100% classing it 'cheating'. I'm not saying the physically cheated but those words and thoughts are cheating.

I can't un-read it and dont know how to find the tools mentally to not dwell on it every so often.

OP posts:
NeymeChenge · 01/06/2025 21:03

Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 21:01

Oh I'm 100% classing it 'cheating'. I'm not saying the physically cheated but those words and thoughts are cheating.

I can't un-read it and dont know how to find the tools mentally to not dwell on it every so often.

Show quote history

I think it will probably just take some time. It’s not like you knew about this for twenty years; you’ve only just discovered it.

Original poster
Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 21:03

notatinydancer · 01/06/2025 20:57

Are you prepared to blow your whole life up ?
Would you end your marriage if she admitted a one night stand?
if not leave it alone.

No and no. If she admitted any length of affair I'd still stay. Maybe it's that part of me that makes me a pushover.

OP posts:
Eric1964 · 01/06/2025 21:03

Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 20:56

I wasn't 'snooping'. We were moving house. I was clearing attic. I was checking what to bin and was going through it before I did.

Ignore the accusations of snooping.

GiantSaucepan · 01/06/2025 21:06

Sit on it for now, but also consider how you’ll feel in a few months, a year, 10 years. Do you feel differently about her knowing she cheated (even if not physically)? Do you feel any resentment? Trust her less? Are you questioning what else she’s done?
Because those are the things that fester.

I wouldn’t jump to throw away a long and happy relationship for this - but I’d also consider that this could cause damage if you let, even if you say nothing.

Original poster
Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 21:09

GiantSaucepan · 01/06/2025 21:06

Sit on it for now, but also consider how you’ll feel in a few months, a year, 10 years. Do you feel differently about her knowing she cheated (even if not physically)? Do you feel any resentment? Trust her less? Are you questioning what else she’s done?
Because those are the things that fester.

I wouldn’t jump to throw away a long and happy relationship for this - but I’d also consider that this could cause damage if you let, even if you say nothing.

Thank you. I guess it's just words on a page from somebody I don't know. It is mind blowing to think she could have done this. Even if it is just stupid words. We were sooo close.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 21:37

OchreRaven · 01/06/2025 20:35

I think you need to sit with it for a little while and decide what you need and want from this. There are a few possibilities and you need to be prepared for them all.

  1. You confront her, she denies, you don’t believe her and are resentful
  2. you confront her, she admits it, you get over it
  3. you confront her, she admits it, you don’t get over it and you split up
  4. You decide it doesn’t matter so don’t confront her as you know even if she did cheat that she’s a different person now than 20 years ago, you trust her now, and your life together means more than a potential ONS when she was a lot younger.

Can you live with never knowing? If she admitted it could you forgive? What is your best case scenario?

Thank you. Yikes I don't know. I honestly think I should ignore it and that's just something I have to carry forward myself. I'll have good days and bad days and ill try for counselling.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 01/06/2025 21:38

Oh, for goodness sake.

I don't know. I guess it makes me wonder if she's cheated with him AND others?

You have no evidence that she did anything more than flirt with this one man 20 years ago. Where are these ‘others’ coming from?

I wasn't 'snooping'. We were moving house. I was clearing attic. I was checking what to bin and was going through it before I did.

Really? It was folders of course notes. Huge thick folders. Just two bits of paper, her bit and his, in amongst the notes. You went through huge thick folders of course notes from 20 years ago, but you weren’t snooping?

Starlingsintheloft · 01/06/2025 22:10

How about some perspective? Was this just a childish note passed between co-workers at a boring work course? They both would have been quite young then. You said she works in a male environment. Is there a chance there is flirty banter a lot in her workplace? Was she just ‘going along’, trying to fit in? I’m not condoning that note, at all, it must have been a shock when you found it, but, could you consider that your wife had a flirty banter with a colleague (he was frankly was pushing the line there) she rejected him, came home to you, put him in a box in the attic and forgot all about him and spent the next 20 years with you? Surely if she’d had an affair or was cheating as you put it, there would be more, he’d still be in her life now?

Original poster
Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 22:30

Starlingsintheloft · 01/06/2025 22:10

How about some perspective? Was this just a childish note passed between co-workers at a boring work course? They both would have been quite young then. You said she works in a male environment. Is there a chance there is flirty banter a lot in her workplace? Was she just ‘going along’, trying to fit in? I’m not condoning that note, at all, it must have been a shock when you found it, but, could you consider that your wife had a flirty banter with a colleague (he was frankly was pushing the line there) she rejected him, came home to you, put him in a box in the attic and forgot all about him and spent the next 20 years with you? Surely if she’d had an affair or was cheating as you put it, there would be more, he’d still be in her life now?

Yes very good point. Yes there is a lot of flirty banter but partly because they have to form bonds.
That sort of suggestive wording is just not my wife. Never has been. There's a big bit of me wondering if his interest made her feel good and kept her 'entertained ' during the course. Newly married but he made her feel wanted. I'm not excusing it, I'm just trying to process it.

Is that a thing? I'd run a mile if a female colleague ever hit on me, but can this sort of attention make women feel good and the flirting back to him is all an act?

OP posts:
Summerthing · 01/06/2025 22:41

You say it isn't like your wife to talk like that. Just offering an alternative suggestion here but have you considered that she might have felt uncomfortable with this man and might have possibly resorted to the fawning technique? When presented with potentially predatory behaviour, some women will fawn rather than fight or flight.

Dery · 01/06/2025 22:48

What @Summerthing has said is really important: fight or flight is actually a male response to threat based on the fact that a man has a decent chance of outfighting or outrunning an opponent. A woman has very little chance of outfighting or outrunning a predatory male. Her safety response to a predator will often be based on trying to keep him sweet so that he doesn’t inflict harm.

Original poster
Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 22:49

Summerthing · 01/06/2025 22:41

You say it isn't like your wife to talk like that. Just offering an alternative suggestion here but have you considered that she might have felt uncomfortable with this man and might have possibly resorted to the fawning technique? When presented with potentially predatory behaviour, some women will fawn rather than fight or flight.

Yikes. Never heard of that before. Not sure I understand.

OP posts:
EllieEllie25 · 01/06/2025 22:55

The point is that when a man is showing a sexual interest in a woman, telling him bluntly to get lost can be dangerous, so it can be safer to walk a delicate line between rejection and capitulating, so he doesn’t turn nasty. In a work situation he probably wouldn’t have turned violent but probably could have made life difficult for her if he turned against her.

Only a potential scenario of course, but women were expected to cheerfully put up with a lot of nonsense like this 20 years ago.

Original poster
Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 22:58

EllieEllie25 · 01/06/2025 22:55

The point is that when a man is showing a sexual interest in a woman, telling him bluntly to get lost can be dangerous, so it can be safer to walk a delicate line between rejection and capitulating, so he doesn’t turn nasty. In a work situation he probably wouldn’t have turned violent but probably could have made life difficult for her if he turned against her.

Only a potential scenario of course, but women were expected to cheerfully put up with a lot of nonsense like this 20 years ago.

That makes sense. Horrendous that women would have to make such a decision though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 23:00

Dery · 01/06/2025 22:48

What @Summerthing has said is really important: fight or flight is actually a male response to threat based on the fact that a man has a decent chance of outfighting or outrunning an opponent. A woman has very little chance of outfighting or outrunning a predatory male. Her safety response to a predator will often be based on trying to keep him sweet so that he doesn’t inflict harm.

And I imagine in that particular environment away on a course he could have made life very miserable for her with the other colleagues and tutors.

OP posts:
Onlyharmony · 01/06/2025 23:03

ForZanyAquaViewer · 01/06/2025 21:38

Oh, for goodness sake.

I don't know. I guess it makes me wonder if she's cheated with him AND others?

You have no evidence that she did anything more than flirt with this one man 20 years ago. Where are these ‘others’ coming from?

I wasn't 'snooping'. We were moving house. I was clearing attic. I was checking what to bin and was going through it before I did.

Really? It was folders of course notes. Huge thick folders. Just two bits of paper, her bit and his, in amongst the notes. You went through huge thick folders of course notes from 20 years ago, but you weren’t snooping?

You're only saying that cos op is a man.

Thistooshallpsss · 01/06/2025 23:06

Maybe it’s not even true. Why would she have a note she had written and his reply? Maybe she made it up or was joking about with a girlfriend?

EllieEllie25 · 01/06/2025 23:06

Tyg46 · 01/06/2025 22:58

That makes sense. Horrendous that women would have to make such a decision though.

Show quote history

Women have to deal with this constantly, between the ages of around 12-45, when - thank fuck - we become invisible and finally get to live our lives in peace.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 01/06/2025 23:08

Onlyharmony · 01/06/2025 23:03

You're only saying that cos op is a man.

Show quote history

Which bit? You think that if he were a woman, a 20 year old flirty conversation with one person would mean her partner had been unfaithful with multiple ‘others’? Or going through huge thick folders of 20 year old course notes would suddenly be a perfectly normal and rational thing to do? Really?

Lindtnotlint · 01/06/2025 23:15

For me, this falls firmly into the Let It Go category. It was a long long time ago, you have a great relationship, and frankly there is no real evidence here that anything happened. She shut the guy down in a way that you don’t now see as “clean and clear” enough - but who knows what the context was back then. And although it isn’t amazing to think about one’s partner getting a bit flirty while away from home, it isn’t that shocking in the grand scheme of things. You don’t have any evidence at all that she actually DID anything. A happy marriage is a wonderful thing in later life. Don’t be the dolt who messes it up now.

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