Feeling stuck- Unsure About My relationship and Burned Out from Life.

[angelpa]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. We knew each other online for years but only met in person a few months ago. After some on-and-off periods, he moved in with me and my daughter. He left his family to do that — they’ve cut him off for it — so I know that means something. But I keep having thoughts like, “Should he really live here?” and “Am I better off alone so I can focus on myself and my child?”

I love him, but I’m also constantly overwhelmed.

Right now:

My daughter is out of school due to special needs and issues with her school’s safeguarding

I’m mentally and physically burned out, trying to hold everything together

I feel like I never get proper alone time or space to reset

I’m often irritated around him for no clear reason, even if he’s not doing anything wrong

I only feel physically close during ovulation — the rest of the time I’m emotionally shut down

He helps with the house when I ask, but I carry most of the mental load

We both have trust issues due to things that happened between us before

He says he has doubts too, but he came back because he wanted to build something with me and my daughter. I don’t want to lose him, but I feel disconnected, and I don’t know how to tell what’s burnout vs. what’s a sign that this isn’t working.

Has anyone else been in this in-between place — loving someone, but not sure if being together is helping or hurting right now?

How do you figure out what you actually need when everything feels too full to think clearly?

@INeedAnotherName is it cruel to not let her say goodbye? I don't know how I feel about that. I get it on one hand maybe say hes going for a visit then explain later that day or? But shell know id have lied and im not sure how I feel about that.

@Om83i have recently just had hormone levels checked a rmu and lots mode blood work done nothing too to bad but getting solved. But I generally think it was because I could feel the distance he's now noticed since my update.

This is precisely the reason why so many people said you moved him in too soon. It fucks up the children too much giving and taking away another person in their life, they are not emotionally equipped. You can't change it now but next time please protect your child from situations like this.

To be honest I don't quite understand your current situation anymore. You say you are separating but staying together for a while so does separating mean you will be getting back together in the near future or staying in a relationship but living apart or what? You need to be really clear.

@INeedAnotherNamewe are separating, he is moving home to his family. We will have no contact. I will not be getting into any relationship for a very long time. I have signed up to the freedom programme. I am in cbt and Trauma therapy. My priority was always and is always my daughter but I was stupid& impulsive. I'm trying to cope with the guilt of that whilst continuing with my programmes, and working with my daughter and my daughters school to Improve her experience. I wanted to do this the best way possible, my daughters anxiety levels are already quite high due to the upcoming procedure I also wanted her to be able to say goodbye but now maybe I've heard an thought it's best not to. I also don't want to lie to her. I know I created this mess. I am doing everything I can to fix it and more.

Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you are doing all the right things. Be kind to yourself.

@Mazza70thank you, I am trying,I don't want how I let me daughter know Impact her or I any further.

It’s really great you are doing the freedom programme and your therapy! Well done OP. Really make sure you continue those and see through the whole course / see your therapist regularly and consistently though. The work can start off feeling like a relief, and then it can get harder, and work and effort and daily practice is required, so you owe it to yourself and your daughter to stick to it.

My advice would be keep your life as simple as possible from now on. Do your therapy and your course, eat healthy, get early nights and when not working spend time enjoying being with your daughter. Just focus on that for now.

re your daughter I also think you should just tell her. You are probably actually working it up to more than it might be in your own head. She might well be upset, but a part of her will probably secretly be pleased to have you all back to herself.

i think you need to keep it super simple. Then plan a really fun day, whatever she enjoys followed by a movie, and sleepover with you or something. Be there for her and be consistent.

have you read the Phillipa Perry book? I know it gets recommended on here a lot, but I actually think it could support you at this time. https://amzn.eu/d/1x84rwE

on the boyfriend, my view is make it a clean break. Just rip the plaster off. He needs to leave now, not still be hanging around doing odd jobs - that’s unclear and unhelpful to you and your daughter. You will need to be brave but your daughter will than you one day.

Send him right back there then. This current situation is not working for any of you.

Well, no wonder his family are deeply concerned. I’d be going bananas if that was my son.