Feeling stuck- Unsure About My relationship and Burned Out from Life.

[angelpa]

I’m in a fairly new relationship. We knew each other online for years but only met in person a few months ago. After some on-and-off periods, he moved in with me and my daughter. He left his family to do that — they’ve cut him off for it — so I know that means something. But I keep having thoughts like, “Should he really live here?” and “Am I better off alone so I can focus on myself and my child?”

I love him, but I’m also constantly overwhelmed.

Right now:

My daughter is out of school due to special needs and issues with her school’s safeguarding

I’m mentally and physically burned out, trying to hold everything together

I feel like I never get proper alone time or space to reset

I’m often irritated around him for no clear reason, even if he’s not doing anything wrong

I only feel physically close during ovulation — the rest of the time I’m emotionally shut down

He helps with the house when I ask, but I carry most of the mental load

We both have trust issues due to things that happened between us before

He says he has doubts too, but he came back because he wanted to build something with me and my daughter. I don’t want to lose him, but I feel disconnected, and I don’t know how to tell what’s burnout vs. what’s a sign that this isn’t working.

Has anyone else been in this in-between place — loving someone, but not sure if being together is helping or hurting right now?

How do you figure out what you actually need when everything feels too full to think clearly?

The red flags ain't the guy.

Why do single mums move these men into their homes. A responsible decent man should be providing a home for you and working.
How can you respect a man who has just moved from his mum to you and made himself very comfortable and hardly does anything. The only advice I have for you is raise your standards.

Respectfully OP, grow up. You have a daughter, you need to build a life for her, focus on her education, get a career that enables you to provide comfortably. What are you even doing? This is a total mess. Do not get into another relationship.

I have been on my own with my sons for 9 years. They are the centre of everything. I needed to ensure I had the resources to provide for them, went to uni and did undergraduate, then postgraduate, got a career, bought a house. Both boys have additional needs. There is so much more to do than get into a relationship.

This man needs to build bridges with his family, you refered to him as being mature, but his actions around leaving his family for someone he had only just met don't speak to that. There may be reasons he has rebelled and left that have been forming long before you entered the scene.

I'm sorry, but you've been utterly irresponsible and seem just so unable to see it.

I understand what alot are you are saying, however it is too late it feels. We've both committed. We love each other. My daughter is attached. He's given up alot for me and commited so have I and it messes with my daughter when he leaves.

You met a few months ago, but already it's a love for the ages and you are deeply committed.

It is pretty messed up that you have let her become so attached to someone you don't really know and may well harm her. You've stated he came close to physically assaulting you in the past. I think it is worth pointing out that of SS do become involved, you will likely be deemed incapable of safeguarding your DC and she will be forced to live with your abusive ex full time. And will be considered a risk to any further babies you wish to have, whether you enetually end the relationship or not. It sounds like you want the best but have super low self esteem and poor decision making skills. If you do one thing, do the Freedom programme. I really feel for your daughter, a school that couldn't safe guard her, a mother that chooses not to and an abusive father.

I speak with kindness OP, as I have been there at your age (not with a child at that age but I made some poor decisions around living with men).

I think the irritation you feel towards him is your inner self screaming out at you to listen to your own needs. Unfortunately you did move too quickly for your own needs and those of your daughter.

I completely disagree that it’s “too late” to change anything! You aren’t even married, and this isn’t his home, it’s yours. He is not a responsible person OP. He needs to move out and you need to find a course of therapy to support you with listening to your own needs and understanding why your boundaries have been so weak.

Your daughter needs to come first, and you have the rest of your life ahead of you . Time to sort out your own psychological awareness now so that you don’t make this mistake again.

I agree it Wouldn't necessarily be my responsibility but I owe him alot, getting me back to health after my miscarriage and surgery, then pneumonia, then further complications and sickness. And helping with the chores, and general stuff for the pets and child.
@CharlotteRumpling appreciate the sarcasm. But no. However I do love him and have major respect for him.

You are not committed. Its just a relationship with a young guy. People end bad relationships all the time with far more history. You just want to be assured it can work. But it can’t.

It's never too late. Never.

You can love each other and be committed to each other in separate houses so you can have breathing space from each other. A grown man should be able to afford lodgings at the very least and if he can't then he isn't a fully fledged grown up and shouldn't be in a relationship with someone who has a child.

He needs to move out. Or you need to accept to feeling burnt out, overwhelmed and disconnected permanently. And this feeling is probably your gut instinct screaming out that this situation is wrong, wrong, wrong.

I am willing to be burnt out right now, I know things will get better especially once he's working, he was working, he left to come here. We can't live separately because right now his only option will be to beg for forgiveness from his family& wouldn't be able to stay in communication with me. The problem is not him. It's me

I am willing to be burnt out right now

Then you've made your choice. Actively chosen it. So stop whinging and embrace the burn out instead.

Why did you even ask our advice. You are making excuses left right and centre and not prepared to take any advise at all. You don't need to be burnt out. It's optional.

If you already feel overwhelmed, over burdened, disconnected and that it is really challenging why would you want to have more children? Need to ask yourself would another baby and child lead to more or less responsibility and work? Focus on your DD and only if/when you are both working again, in a good place emotionally, mentally, financially and in your relationship even consider it. Your DP is only 22. Be kind to him and your daughter. Can’t be pleasant to have no family, nowhere to go and the woman you committed to not being annoyed with you for most of the month.

@RedRock41i have reminded him about his opportunities in his home town. The peace he would have in coparrison being child free etc, he doesn't want to leave at all.

@Gettingbysomehow the advice was how to cope with the irritation, in rhe mean time, whilst things settle themselves, if someone had been through it, what did they do etc. Not to be told to juat leave.

JFC another in the long line of women on MN who move sone random cocklodger into their kids safe space after about 5 minutes and make excuse after excuse to justify why they prioritise dick over kids.

Its fucking depressing

Agree, it’s a fucking joke. And they always try and claim they are also an amazing mother at the same time- nope, not even a little bit. It honestly terrifies me that anyone who does genuinely have children cannot see that none of this is what an even half decent parent would do, vile.

It's not ideal, is it?

You both feel trapped into living together because his family have disowned him.

I hope when you talk about feeling differently towards him when you're ovulating, you are actually on proper contraception? You should not bring a baby into this.

I'm sorry about your miscarriage and your fears about not being able to have another baby, but you should not have a child with him anytime soon. He's only 22. Your relationship is very new and unstable. You have too much on your plate already.

Do the right thing, not the "but I wanna baby" thing.

OP You can see that no one who has replied to you thinks you should continue to have this man in your home for all the reasons given. Please listen. You do have choices, you can take control and make your life more peaceful. Please seek counselling for yourself to help you see the wood for the trees! And do the Freedom programme as suggested.

You posted in January about your relationship issues, its been almost 6 months and things haven't settled. They won't. You'll stay with him. I really feel for your DD who clearly has noone in her corner.

Aside from the fact that it sounds like this has all happened v quickly- I appreciate that he has been there for you over the last few months and it must feel very reassuring to have the support of a partner present as a single parent to your daughter.

however it does read as though you are feeling confused- You say you’re unsure about the relationship but in PP you are saying it’s a done deal and he’s not going anywhere- I think you need some space and time to work it out on your own- is there somewhere he can go for a week or two? Even back to his family to try to make amends as in the long run if he doesn’t he will surely feel regret at being disowned by his family, so maybe that will help him feel more certain if he has at least tried to sort this out.

Having some space without him there for a short period will help you feel more clarity about what you want- whether it is actually him or the idea of a supportive partner, where it’s going and just allow yourself some time to properly rest to battle the overwhelm- sounds like you have been through a lot and in need of some TLC.

In terms of dealing with irritation I am always irritated by my DH around my period.. like literally could kill him because of how he stacked the dishwasher… you mention issues with pregnancy- do you have hormonal issues with that or following your miscarriage- perhaps seeing your GP would help to rule anything out or consider going on the pill etc if it would help improve your mood??

I've spent some time thinking, lots of time talking to my partner, I had gone and booked into the online version of the freedom programme, I had just recently started counselling/cbt/ Trauma therapy, wrapped into one, so I'm continuing with that anyway, I also have got extra resources of them to work on in my own time also. My partner hadn't fully thought anything through, I told him it would have been selfish of me to keep my reservations to myself, he agreed and actually after some hesitation. Understood what I was saying, I encouraged him, as he was relcutant, to call and speak to his mum, he's resolving issues with her, she has welcomed him home, when he's ready, we have made the joint decision to separate, it's going to sting all of us especially my poor little girl. It's for the best. We haven't decided on the time. My dd is having dental surgery in just under a week, which originally he was going to attend with me, we haven't decided to tell her before hand and he goes on his way, or wait until after, but wouldn't want to tell her in the first few days she's recovering, still undecided. I've been quite low he's been taking over the house hold stuff a bit more to help but generally been so lovely. Dd is at my mums tonight for the night, we are going to spend some time enjoying each other's company, and trying to figure out a timeline.

We still just can't decide the best time for us to let my dd know an for him to leave to cause her the least pain, any advice on this would rlly help

The least pain? The sooner the better, and quickly, ie not a lengthy discussion over dinner. He needs to move out first though, and you need to tell your daughter without him.