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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling stuck- Unsure About My relationship and Burned Out from Life.

83 replies

angelpa · 01/06/2025 20:13

I’m in a fairly new relationship. We knew each other online for years but only met in person a few months ago. After some on-and-off periods, he moved in with me and my daughter. He left his family to do that — they’ve cut him off for it — so I know that means something. But I keep having thoughts like, “Should he really live here?” and “Am I better off alone so I can focus on myself and my child?”

I love him, but I’m also constantly overwhelmed.

Right now:

My daughter is out of school due to special needs and issues with her school’s safeguarding

I’m mentally and physically burned out, trying to hold everything together

I feel like I never get proper alone time or space to reset

I’m often irritated around him for no clear reason, even if he’s not doing anything wrong

I only feel physically close during ovulation — the rest of the time I’m emotionally shut down

He helps with the house when I ask, but I carry most of the mental load

We both have trust issues due to things that happened between us before

He says he has doubts too, but he came back because he wanted to build something with me and my daughter. I don’t want to lose him, but I feel disconnected, and I don’t know how to tell what’s burnout vs. what’s a sign that this isn’t working.

Has anyone else been in this in-between place — loving someone, but not sure if being together is helping or hurting right now?

How do you figure out what you actually need when everything feels too full to think clearly?

OP posts:
CharlotteRumpling · 02/06/2025 10:20

I am from a similar culture. Let me just say:
No way is my 20 year old ready to start a family with anyone. I would be very wary of anyone who rushed him into it.

I would always take him back if he made a mistake.

Focus on your daughter!

Original poster
angelpa · 02/06/2025 11:13

@Workinginthelivingroomi do have so much guilt for the fact it looks like I'm putting everything into my partner/ relationship, but I do put alot into my little girl, alot of my time is spent with her whether it's playing or schooling. I just don't share to much of that because I am here to ask about my relationship.
@CharlotteRumplingi wasn't very clear about his culture. He is indian& Muslim.
I am not trying to get him to have a baby, when I say sooner rather than later I want to try within 3 years and he said 5 so I guess we'll work that out, he is younger but his ability to adapt and maturity far out reaches many men I know including my dds dad who is 30 now.
I too was judged by age = maturity for my age being 16 when i got pregnant 17 when i gave birth , but I did amazingly.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 02/06/2025 11:22

They will take him back. You should let him go. You are exploiting this kid.

Workinginthelivingroom · 02/06/2025 11:26

You said this about him on your previous thread OP

'The arguments are usually mild however we had an argument the other day, fuelled by alcohol, (whilst my daughter was with her father)he said some very hurtful things about me not being an intellectual and being lower than him, made a comment about a certain part of my body and put his hands up to grab my arm or face. Although he didn't.
I must say he is a good man, he has good morals, respectful generally, good education, good job, drive, but slightly immature which is understandable seeing as I had to grow up quickly having a baby at 17 and I'm older.'

Clearly you have had a lot to deal with, you are young and you are stuck in a cycle of abusive relationships. As was recommended on your previous thread, I would highly recommend the Freedom programme.

CharlotteRumpling · 02/06/2025 11:30

Look, there is no way this man will give up his family and culture for you.

He will go back to them and you will be abandoned, possibly with a baby.

There are so many red flags you are ignoring. At least get him to live out.

MammaTo · 02/06/2025 11:32

I’d bet my next wage you’ve probably moved a predator into your house with your child. Get a fucking grip and kick him out and get some therapy to deal with your self esteem issues.

IgneousSedimentary · 02/06/2025 11:35

angelpa · 02/06/2025 11:13

@Workinginthelivingroomi do have so much guilt for the fact it looks like I'm putting everything into my partner/ relationship, but I do put alot into my little girl, alot of my time is spent with her whether it's playing or schooling. I just don't share to much of that because I am here to ask about my relationship.
@CharlotteRumplingi wasn't very clear about his culture. He is indian& Muslim.
I am not trying to get him to have a baby, when I say sooner rather than later I want to try within 3 years and he said 5 so I guess we'll work that out, he is younger but his ability to adapt and maturity far out reaches many men I know including my dds dad who is 30 now.
I too was judged by age = maturity for my age being 16 when i got pregnant 17 when i gave birth , but I did amazingly.

But you’re not ‘doing amazingly’ ten years later. It’s a ludicrously unwise decision to move in a man you hardly know with your young daughter. This is not the behaviour of a mature parent making good decisions for her child.

Original poster
angelpa · 02/06/2025 11:40

@CharlotteRumpling
He's left them and gone back a few times,joint decisions. He chose to leave when they asked him not to an said he's dead to them, I doubt he'll change his mind now, we've had many conversations about this.

@pikkumyy77 exploiting? please be for real. We were friends in a group. He then asked to meet me, asked to move in with me, chose to commit to me, no force, I've been in conversations with him asking if he feels it's in his benefit to go hack home to be back in his home town, etc etc he says in many different ways do many times he's never been so happy/ fulfilled.
@MammaTotthis has to be a joke, I may not have known him irl for years but people I do have and he met me, my whole close family before my child no one that's I've known that have known him years have seen red flags nor me and my family, if that was the case he would most defiantly be on the street.

OP posts:
MammaTo · 02/06/2025 11:52

angelpa · 02/06/2025 11:40

@CharlotteRumpling
He's left them and gone back a few times,joint decisions. He chose to leave when they asked him not to an said he's dead to them, I doubt he'll change his mind now, we've had many conversations about this.

@pikkumyy77 exploiting? please be for real. We were friends in a group. He then asked to meet me, asked to move in with me, chose to commit to me, no force, I've been in conversations with him asking if he feels it's in his benefit to go hack home to be back in his home town, etc etc he says in many different ways do many times he's never been so happy/ fulfilled.
@MammaTotthis has to be a joke, I may not have known him irl for years but people I do have and he met me, my whole close family before my child no one that's I've known that have known him years have seen red flags nor me and my family, if that was the case he would most defiantly be on the street.

If your close family have met this 19/20 year old and think this relationship is a stable environment to have your daughter in and around, then I don’t rate their opinions anyway. If I brought someone around my child after knowing them in person for a few months, my parents would raise the alarm.

Mrsttcno1 · 02/06/2025 11:54

This reply has been deleted

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HappyToSmile · 02/06/2025 12:02

I'd suggest he moves out and rents somewhere nearby.
You can then continue dating and getting to know him properly
He should never have asked to move in and you should never have agreed

CharlotteRumpling · 02/06/2025 12:03

The daughter is SN? Gets worse and worse.

Original poster
angelpa · 02/06/2025 12:04

@MammaTohe is 22. Not 19 or 20, that's the age he was when I met him, I've known him over 2 years , in person since November 1st.
@Mrsttcno1if you would of read it's unlkily I will have anymore children, but I am an amazing mum. Going through so difficulty and confusion, but that doesn't make me a terrible mum and you definitely do not get to tell me not to have anymore kids when I am greiveing already and struggling with infertility. Despite my daughters complex needs I have her 24/7 inclduing home schooling currently as her the school couldn't handle her needs, I left my job for this, something I'm sure not alot of parents could cope with. This is for advice not for you to take your anger out on. Fucking pathetic.

I am taking in all the advice and I am considering next steps theough the advice and my own thoughts and feelings but I reply to make sure there's enough information as possible for informed advice. Not for people to be so fucking bitter.

OP posts:
IgneousSedimentary · 02/06/2025 12:04

angelpa · 02/06/2025 11:40

@CharlotteRumpling
He's left them and gone back a few times,joint decisions. He chose to leave when they asked him not to an said he's dead to them, I doubt he'll change his mind now, we've had many conversations about this.

@pikkumyy77 exploiting? please be for real. We were friends in a group. He then asked to meet me, asked to move in with me, chose to commit to me, no force, I've been in conversations with him asking if he feels it's in his benefit to go hack home to be back in his home town, etc etc he says in many different ways do many times he's never been so happy/ fulfilled.
@MammaTotthis has to be a joke, I may not have known him irl for years but people I do have and he met me, my whole close family before my child no one that's I've known that have known him years have seen red flags nor me and my family, if that was the case he would most defiantly be on the street.

So he asked to move in, and you, thrilled because you saw it as evidence of ‘commitment’, said yes? To a man you’d only known for a few months? But it’s fine because people you know knew him before that?

Give me strength.

pikkumyy77 · 02/06/2025 12:07

The information on how abusive he is to you is shocking. There is no way someone so volatile should have been permitted to move in with your vulnerable child-or your vulnerable self.

IgneousSedimentary · 02/06/2025 12:08

angelpa · 02/06/2025 12:04

@MammaTohe is 22. Not 19 or 20, that's the age he was when I met him, I've known him over 2 years , in person since November 1st.
@Mrsttcno1if you would of read it's unlkily I will have anymore children, but I am an amazing mum. Going through so difficulty and confusion, but that doesn't make me a terrible mum and you definitely do not get to tell me not to have anymore kids when I am greiveing already and struggling with infertility. Despite my daughters complex needs I have her 24/7 inclduing home schooling currently as her the school couldn't handle her needs, I left my job for this, something I'm sure not alot of parents could cope with. This is for advice not for you to take your anger out on. Fucking pathetic.

I am taking in all the advice and I am considering next steps theough the advice and my own thoughts and feelings but I reply to make sure there's enough information as possible for informed advice. Not for people to be so fucking bitter.

No one’s being ‘bitter’. They’re genuinely horrified at your poor parenting decisions. ‘Don’t move strange men in with your young child with additional needs’ is pretty much Basic Safety for Parents 101, along with ‘Don’t let your toddler run around on a motorway’.

Mrsttcno1 · 02/06/2025 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
angelpa · 02/06/2025 14:16

@HappyToSmilehe can't do that unfortunately, he left his job to come here and is yet to find a permanent one here. He also couldn't have stayed where he was and done the same thing due to his family and also the 4 hours distance.

OP posts:
IgneousSedimentary · 02/06/2025 15:00

angelpa · 02/06/2025 14:16

@HappyToSmilehe can't do that unfortunately, he left his job to come here and is yet to find a permanent one here. He also couldn't have stayed where he was and done the same thing due to his family and also the 4 hours distance.

Then he will also have to deal with the consequences of his poor decisions. They are not, and should not be, your problem.

BleachedJumper · 02/06/2025 15:10

So you’re both in your 20s, out of work and volatile?

Original poster
angelpa · 02/06/2025 15:15

I've been out of work almost a year when I unofficially became my daughters carer

OP posts:
Original poster
angelpa · 02/06/2025 21:07

@IgneousSedimentary, it literally is. We're partners

OP posts:
Bibi12 · 02/06/2025 23:04

So many red flags:

You moved him in too soon. I understand he's been fine so far but it takes time to get to know someone. People can mask for a long time. You're risking your daughter getting attached to him and then relationship breaking etc. Or even him becoming a bad parental figure to her eventually.

He is too young for you. Considering you can't wait young to have a baby, he will feel pressured to start family sooner then he should/would like to.

He separated from his family because of relationship with you. This will eventually cause resentment. And if you have a family together imagine all the drama - estranged grandparents or PIL who will never fully accept you.

I'm not saying you should necessarily end the relationship or that it can't work but please take everything into consideration and do think with your head, not only with your heart.

IgneousSedimentary · 03/06/2025 00:08

angelpa · 02/06/2025 21:07

@IgneousSedimentary, it literally is. We're partners

It literally isn’t. He’s not your ‘partner’. He’s a man you’ve only known a few months. You’ve been ‘on and off’. He irritates you, he doesn’t do his share of household stuff, you wonder if you’d be better off focusing on your child. He’s not happy in the relationship either. He’s only in your house because he’s unemployed and homeless. This does not make him any more your ‘partner’.

Missj25 · 03/06/2025 00:35

angelpa · 01/06/2025 20:13

I’m in a fairly new relationship. We knew each other online for years but only met in person a few months ago. After some on-and-off periods, he moved in with me and my daughter. He left his family to do that — they’ve cut him off for it — so I know that means something. But I keep having thoughts like, “Should he really live here?” and “Am I better off alone so I can focus on myself and my child?”

I love him, but I’m also constantly overwhelmed.

Right now:

My daughter is out of school due to special needs and issues with her school’s safeguarding

I’m mentally and physically burned out, trying to hold everything together

I feel like I never get proper alone time or space to reset

I’m often irritated around him for no clear reason, even if he’s not doing anything wrong

I only feel physically close during ovulation — the rest of the time I’m emotionally shut down

He helps with the house when I ask, but I carry most of the mental load

We both have trust issues due to things that happened between us before

He says he has doubts too, but he came back because he wanted to build something with me and my daughter. I don’t want to lose him, but I feel disconnected, and I don’t know how to tell what’s burnout vs. what’s a sign that this isn’t working.

Has anyone else been in this in-between place — loving someone, but not sure if being together is helping or hurting right now?

How do you figure out what you actually need when everything feels too full to think clearly?

Hey OP ..
Sorry to hear about your miscarriage..
Coming on here for advice can be very risky sometimes, lots on here I’m afraid only to wag fingers 🙄 , no helpful advice …

Everything moved very fast for you & you’re quite young , we’re not all rocks of sense when we are young ..
From the sounds of what you’re saying, you need to live with your daughter & your boyfriend needs to live separately..
You need your own space ..
Has he friends he can move in with ?there is surely someone he can stay with until he can sort accommodation …
The reason you are irritated with him , when you say there is no reason , is because you don’t want to be living with him ..
That’s not going to get better , that Will only get worse ..
You’re not ready for it … x