Page 19 | DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

EmmaThompsonsTears · 2025-06-01T14:23:45+00:00

New account in case outing. I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least. 2 DCs - 4 & 18m. He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode. How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome. I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

PinkyFlamingo · 10/06/2025 08:06

You are doing amazing. I'm nearly 2 years down the line and overall I'm coming to terms with everything but still have wobbles

MinnieDelight · 10/06/2025 08:07

EmmaThompsonsTears · 09/06/2025 22:12

This in a nutshell. There’s absolutely no way to get past that level of deception.

one drunken mistake? Maybe. A hundred thousand lies? No fucking way.

And you make a good point about changing the locks. Will see what his appetite to stay is.

i definitely can’t afford to buy him out and I couldn’t afford the mortgage / bills if I stayed. If i could downsize, still have a separate utility room (😂) be in catchment for the school and not have to worry about money as much, that’s the dream. And I don’t think it’s unachievable at all tbf

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Good for you - you know your worth girl and you’ll not let this of any other man fuck with you again. Also, a smaller house (with separate laundry room) is much easier to keep on top of cleaning/maintenance etc and cheaper to run.

And 100% agree with this from PP
Op I would not ever tell him you checked his phone. He will then blame you for checking - in the cheaters mind that’s logical.
Personally I would say someone told you. Refuse to say who. That will drive him wild because if only him and her know he will think it’s her.

He’s worked so hard at covering his tracks it’s absolutely plausible deniability you won’t have got into his phone. Has he sworn her to secrecy or does she seem out in the open about it? If not, he can hardly say ‘Melissa - what have you been telling my wife about us?’ 🙄

teenmaw · 10/06/2025 08:39

OP I’m in awe of you managing to hold this in and not blow your stack at him. You have so much strength and you’ll thrive on your own. I’m over three years free and life is so good without some horrible person in your life dragging you down. I know you’ll grieve the family life you thought you’d get but life on your own with your kids is so simple and pleasant. Good things are ahead.

Wastinmylifeaway · 10/06/2025 08:47

EmmaThompsonsTears · 02/06/2025 07:53

This is really good advice on all counts, thank you. I wasn’t planning to post on social media but may skip announcing to our mutual friends based on your words.
I’ve got slightly more sleep tonight but still woken up feeling sick. Hopefully holiday mum mode will be enough of a distraction - I can handle the evenings after that.
The impulse to message OW is a knotty one. Fundamentally I don’t want him to sail off into the sunset with her once im “out of the way” - I want him to have nothing. To really feel the weight of what he’s done to us. He’s also long distance with her so if i can get through to her, she could block contact and cause him pain that way. It’s not like he’s met her on the nursery run and sleeping with her every week. But you’re right, it could easier backfire.

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There is no sunset for people like this - or if it is, they are perpetually chasing it, a figment of imagination posing as reality. He doesn't have anything real, so therefore he already has nothing. Their whole life is pain, masquerading as success, lust, love, happiness. If you can free yourself from wanting to cause suffering (albeit absolutely understandable you want to do that), knowing that it has no impact on them, their future, their happiness or lack thereof, you can channel that energy into more productive outcomes. Fight for the best of you, not the worst of them.

hoopyloopy2 · 10/06/2025 08:50

CobraChicken · 10/06/2025 07:46

I think you misread in your eagerness to troll hunt there 🙄

"He’d deleted all her messages and calls from most of his apps (WhatsApp, texts, call log etc). I looked for other potential messaging apps we’ve not used together, like Snapchat and dating apps. He slipped with just one app. Oh and they had a shared photo album in his photos, but nothing spicy in it."

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You’re right, I did misread. Thanks for clarifying, was genuinely confused.

BunnyEaster · 10/06/2025 08:59

Wastinmylifeaway · 10/06/2025 08:47

There is no sunset for people like this - or if it is, they are perpetually chasing it, a figment of imagination posing as reality. He doesn't have anything real, so therefore he already has nothing. Their whole life is pain, masquerading as success, lust, love, happiness. If you can free yourself from wanting to cause suffering (albeit absolutely understandable you want to do that), knowing that it has no impact on them, their future, their happiness or lack thereof, you can channel that energy into more productive outcomes. Fight for the best of you, not the worst of them.

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This is so true. I looked at my friends dh who left for an affair. He has no house anymore. He was living in a trailer in his parents garden at 40+. Walked out on multiple kids with multiple woman. Had his affair but she dumped him. Now 50+. Kids he nevers sees who hate him and no house of his own, back in a one bed flat rented flat with his looks gone and a shit tonn of baggage. His family don't really like him either.

Whereas the woman he walked on had to keep a roof over their head somehow as they had the kids so couldn't swan off to mummy's garden shed. So 15 years later still own a house, have kids that adore them and stability. Plus the option of laughing at the sad sack if they so choose

Rhaidimiddim · 10/06/2025 09:00

Just a warning, OP (so that you are not surprised by it and can practice your best eye-rolling ahead of times).

Be prepared for him to be shocked and disappointed and have a real, heart-felt go at you for being dishonest, deceptive and manipulative, when he finds out you've known for ages but not let on. DARVO at its sincerest.

OchreRaven · 10/06/2025 09:07

I think it’s a great idea telling him someone told you and provided evidence rather you saw his phone. When he asks who say ‘who do you think?’ This will completely throw him as he now doesn’t know whether he has the other relationship to fall back on. When she carries on as normal he’ll be wondering whether she found out he was married and told you, with the aim of ending his marriage behind his back. But he can never ask her without revealing his lies. His relationship with her will always be marred with distrust.

Meanwhile you are under no obligation to say any more since you aren’t asking him to confirm his affair you already know. And you aren’t trying to fix it, it’s over. He’s left you feeling confused and uncertain for months. Time for a bit of his own medicine.

GiantSaucepan · 10/06/2025 09:45

OchreRaven · 10/06/2025 09:07

I think it’s a great idea telling him someone told you and provided evidence rather you saw his phone. When he asks who say ‘who do you think?’ This will completely throw him as he now doesn’t know whether he has the other relationship to fall back on. When she carries on as normal he’ll be wondering whether she found out he was married and told you, with the aim of ending his marriage behind his back. But he can never ask her without revealing his lies. His relationship with her will always be marred with distrust.

Meanwhile you are under no obligation to say any more since you aren’t asking him to confirm his affair you already know. And you aren’t trying to fix it, it’s over. He’s left you feeling confused and uncertain for months. Time for a bit of his own medicine.

This with bells on. He thinks he’s in control with his new relationship, but this plants a seed of doubt which will blossom in time.

researchers3 · 10/06/2025 10:13

Tadahhh · 03/06/2025 19:34

ha ha ha, oh dear, but it were so easy. This is how forensic accountants make their living. You are far better knowing so they can't 'forget'. The only way I'd have a little more confidence in this statement is if he's a lawyer. Some (not all) respect the law.

Men (it's usually men), don't like sharing THEIR money. Lying is very common indeed.

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This is bollocks. There is no way of making someone declare all their accounts or pensions - if you can't prove it, that's the end of it.

Even if they get caught out lying, there is little to no retribution unless it's a serious amount of money.

Spinachpastapicker · 10/06/2025 10:55

@MinnieDelight I could not love this story more. Well done her!

Tadahhh · 10/06/2025 10:58

researchers3 · 10/06/2025 10:13

This is bollocks. There is no way of making someone declare all their accounts or pensions - if you can't prove it, that's the end of it.

Even if they get caught out lying, there is little to no retribution unless it's a serious amount of money.

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I think you've misunderstood my point, as it's exactly the same as yours. Making someone tell you what they have is impossible (hence the possible need for someone to follow a paper trail - a forensic accountant).

My response was to someone who said 'it'll all be on the form E'... er no it won't, not if they decide to hide stuff.

MissMoneyFairy · 10/06/2025 11:01

What do you want for yourself and your children, living in the same house would be difficult, what would you do if he ends his affair, has a personality transplant and tries to save your marriage. I'd have some time apart, he can go and stay in a hotel, can your friends and family help with nursery drop off for a while. The marriage is over, the trust has gone, I'd ask him to leave, you know about his affair and you are filing for a divorce, mutual solicitors can talk through child maintence, visitation, custody and the house. It's not just about the silly affair, he's rude and obnoxious and doesn't make you happy,

TangerinePlate · 10/06/2025 11:06

Flyswats · 10/06/2025 08:06

What outcome would you most like for your children? I mean stirring things up with nasty messages to the OW is one thing at this stage, but what if he marries her and she becomes their step mother? Don't you want that to benefit the kids not hurt them?

I know this goes agains the grain of every piece of advice about sneaking around gathering info and then dropping divorce papers on him unexpectedly, but what about an honest conversation that gets you as quickly and painlessly to the end goal as possible?

You can’t have honest conversation with dishonest person.

If OW becomes the stepmother and takes out her dislike of XW on the children then she’s even bigger cunt. She’s already a cunt for getting involved with married man.

HTH

AguNwaanyi · 10/06/2025 11:07

OP it sounds like he's the type who wants to do villain things without the label so he will be work but you have a good plan in place and hoping it all goes well for you.

IsThisLifeNow · 10/06/2025 11:11

EmmaThompsonsTears · 09/06/2025 21:30

I’m so sorry this happened to you @IsThisLifeNow ❤️ it just makes you wonder if your whole life together has been a lie doesn’t it? I know I’m questioning stuff from before we even got married now.

Ive found about 5 minutes to myself to cry most days. Full, body-wracking sobs. Can’t work out if it makes me feel better or worse at the moment. It’s all got to come out at some point though - I’d just rather it wasn’t when confronting DH.

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Yes I feel like our whole relationship has been fake, its like I don't know him at all, despite being together for almost 11 years and married for almost 8, it's quite a disconcerting feeling.

I don't cry every day anymore, but most days I still have a wee sniffle. It's funny what things have set me off, like the Christmas rota sign up at work,because it made me think of how different my Christmas will be from now on and that I might not see the kids on Christmas as ExH has family down south. I am going to dig my heels in about not taking the kids away for Christmas till they are older. I know for a fact that Ex doesn't like going down south for Christmas, but expecting him to change on that one with pressure from his family

Spinachpastapicker · 10/06/2025 11:13

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/06/2025 20:59

Well I thought I wouldnt wish food poisoning on anyone.....turns out I was wrong!

I am not at all sorry that I cackled like a witch when I read that he has it!

Me too. Hope he was shitting himself inside out and upside down.

Spinachpastapicker · 10/06/2025 11:18

GiantSaucepan · 06/06/2025 08:37

You’re about to become the head of your own little family and you need to prioritise setting yourself up in the best way possible. Wherever you have or can build a strong support network, easy access to work, and the chance to have a social life. In my view, that takes priority over a primary school place right now. If you’re well supported, your dc will be too.

So focus on building a stable foundation for yourself first, and then find the best primary school you can within those circumstances. Being over an hour from your kids when you’re at work and something goes wrong like sickness is pretty stressful so personally I’d look to minimise that! And just because a school isn’t rated “Outstanding” by Ofsted doesn’t mean it’s not a perfectly good place for your child. If you’ve got 90% residency then negotiating with his Lordship to move your dc to a different school will be easier.

It is terrifying, and I’m sure you’ve got that constant churn of anxiety—but OP, you are so, so capable. Once you’re away from him, you will fly. You just need to hold your nerve until you get there.

Edited

I agree with this. You need to make your new life work for you OP, as well as the kids.

Noshowlomo · 10/06/2025 11:23

Amazing post by @FairyMaclary !! Love the idea of telling him you know because you were told. You were TOLD everything, but never tell him who told you. (I mean, they did in their messages to each other) but let him think people knew and told you.
C U N T of a man

ZippyBrick · 10/06/2025 11:56

Some advice from a friend of mine when the same thing happened.

In the period before you drop the news on him, start complaining about an itch "down below", pretend you've been to the doctors and they think it's Chlamydia, but you laughed at it because you've not been up to anything. Plant a little doubt that his walls could come crumbling down, and that he might have got it from his bit of fun...

ManchesterGirl2 · 10/06/2025 12:11

I reckon your friend has subconciously noticed that his behaviour towards you has changed, and the dream was her brain filling in the gaps and reaching the correct conclusion.

Funnyduck60 · 10/06/2025 12:24

I don't know how this is going to play tbh. Is it just the 4 of you? Maybe see your GP for some medication? Try to hide some money and generally sort out paperwork. Make sure you have plenty of data. Tell him you are unwell and can't sleep with him or go in the pool. I'm sorry this has happened. Sounds like he has struggled with fatherhood so look forward to him having both the children alone! He's not worth it. It's not a one night stand and the whole situation is unforgivable.

OrangeCrushes · 10/06/2025 12:50

ZippyBrick · 10/06/2025 11:56

Some advice from a friend of mine when the same thing happened.

In the period before you drop the news on him, start complaining about an itch "down below", pretend you've been to the doctors and they think it's Chlamydia, but you laughed at it because you've not been up to anything. Plant a little doubt that his walls could come crumbling down, and that he might have got it from his bit of fun...

Love this 😂

shreddies · 10/06/2025 13:06

You are doing absolutely brilliantly OP. Just to add to what others have said, I really wouldn't worry about tying yourself to a particular primary school, most primary schools are good and a shorter commute will make a bigger difference to you and your children. Also, 50/50 is hard on children. Mine were young teens when I divorced and they really didn't like doing half the week in one place and half in the other. We now do week on week off but that would be far too long for really little ones.

I am glad you have a brilliant sister to support you. I hope you can find a fierce and supportive solicitor.

Shelby2010 · 10/06/2025 13:10

I think you should think seriously about moving back to where your commute will be shorter. Don’t get stuck with a long commute because of schools. I appreciate it’s disruptive for the DC, but honestly the younger they are, the better.

You need to think long term here - add up all the wasted hours commuting & difficulties of leaving work early for nativities etc if you stay where you are until they leave school!