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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

DH Affair. How do I cope with family holiday?

1000 replies

EmmaThompsonsTears · 01/06/2025 15:23

New account in case outing.

I’ve just found out in the last 24 hours that my husband has been having an affair for the last 9 months at least.
2 DCs - 4 & 18m.

He doesn’t know I know. I plan to keep it that way so I can see a solicitor and sort out finances. But we leave for a family holiday tomorrow, and I feel like I’m going to explode.

How can I get through this week? Hand hold needed. Any advice welcome.

I’ve been lurking on these threads for a while and felt in my gut I was a victim of The Script. Checked his phone while he was asleep and I was right. Please help.

OP posts:
Flora73 · 09/06/2025 22:10

Charliebear322 · 09/06/2025 21:38

You haven’t got to go on the holiday if it’s too much

She’s already been and is back home

EmmaThompsonsTears · 09/06/2025 22:12

CrazyGoatLady · 09/06/2025 21:51

I sure hope OP won't entertain one more hot second of this piss poor excuse for a man.

It's not just the infidelity, it's the contempt he has treated her with, how shit he's made her feel about herself, blaming her for all the problems while he's banging someone else. That for me would be harder to forgive than the cheating.

This in a nutshell. There’s absolutely no way to get past that level of deception.

one drunken mistake? Maybe. A hundred thousand lies? No fucking way.

And you make a good point about changing the locks. Will see what his appetite to stay is.

i definitely can’t afford to buy him out and I couldn’t afford the mortgage / bills if I stayed. If i could downsize, still have a separate utility room (😂) be in catchment for the school and not have to worry about money as much, that’s the dream. And I don’t think it’s unachievable at all tbf

OP posts:
EmmaThompsonsTears · 09/06/2025 22:14

OchreRaven · 09/06/2025 22:02

Are you tempted to check his phone again to see if what he has said about trying is bullshit?

Not that you should consider staying together regardless. He’ll do it again. If he can do it once and get away with it, it will happen again. But knowing he’s ended it with her because you are such a good actress would be the icing on the cake!

@OchreRaven I doubt he has. I’ve not been acting my part very well - I’m walking away from his shit, rolling my eyes and laughing in a way I wouldn’t have done a week ago. I’ve just not dropped the bomb.

also VERY tempted to check his phone again but can’t risk it as my advantage will be blown. There’s a reason I waited months to check it the first time - I needed him to be blackout drunk and VERY asleep 😂

OP posts:
Iwishicouldflyhigh · 09/06/2025 22:19

EmmaThompsonsTears · 01/06/2025 15:52

ive written her a message already and plan to send it when I’ve served him 😂 she’s young and naive, and I don’t think she’d be too happy to know her “boyfriend” was still having sex with me two nights ago (she knows he has kids). Hopefully she’ll come to her senses and not waste her best years on him like I did.

Your best years are yet to come 😁

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 09/06/2025 22:29

EmmaThompsonsTears · 09/06/2025 21:30

I’m so sorry this happened to you @IsThisLifeNow ❤️ it just makes you wonder if your whole life together has been a lie doesn’t it? I know I’m questioning stuff from before we even got married now.

Ive found about 5 minutes to myself to cry most days. Full, body-wracking sobs. Can’t work out if it makes me feel better or worse at the moment. It’s all got to come out at some point though - I’d just rather it wasn’t when confronting DH.

@EmmaThompsonsTears get it all out sweetheart its better to not let it fester. You're doing brilliant your STBXH is gonna have one hell of a shock when you do confront him.

I would do it calmly and ice cold. Tell him you know everything but keep it vague like you know he's been unfaithfull but don't say how, ask him to explain himself and sit silently waiting and watching his reactions the silence will kill him because when an affair comes out alot of screaming and fighting is common. Silence and an icy cold chill in the atmosphere is far worse because people often reveal more just to fill the silence and to get a response. Then once you're done tell him you have filed for divorce, he needs to leave and the house will be on the market but you and the kids are staying until its sold so you can at least have some time to prepare for all the changes coming because he's a selfish bastard.

But before you do it make sure all your ducks are in a row. Get everything you need out of the house when he's not around. Hell let him do what he likes hobby's or going out with mates encourage him then he's out of the house and is probably thinking he's got one over on you and you can use that time to plan and he won't realise you know.

He has gaslighted you, disrespected you and treated you like shit. Show him that you're strong and don't argue just tell him you have proof of his lies and cheating and what will be happening next i.e divorce. He might surprise you and be speechless that you played him like a fool until you had evethying sorted for yourself and the kids. 😈🤣

Unicorndreams24 · 09/06/2025 22:29

I am so sorry to hear you are going through this @EmmaThompsonsTears. However you are now in a position of power , in this situation knowledge is power. You are making all these plans and he is none the wiser, he thinks he’s the one with the upper hand but he has it twisted!

keep doing what you’re doing, keep planning and you will soon be happy with your children away from this toxicity. Life really is too short to be spending it with an absolute shit bag of a man. You’ve got this 🩷

WickedWitchOfTheEast87 · 09/06/2025 22:35

EmmaThompsonsTears · 09/06/2025 22:14

@OchreRaven I doubt he has. I’ve not been acting my part very well - I’m walking away from his shit, rolling my eyes and laughing in a way I wouldn’t have done a week ago. I’ve just not dropped the bomb.

also VERY tempted to check his phone again but can’t risk it as my advantage will be blown. There’s a reason I waited months to check it the first time - I needed him to be blackout drunk and VERY asleep 😂

@EmmaThompsonsTears Then give him a free pass to go out and get blackout drunk if he's as selfish as you've described he won't even question it he'll go out. Then when he's out cold get more evidence including his payslips 😉

MadeForThis · 09/06/2025 22:39

Well done for taking the time to process and plan.

BoundaryGirl3939 · 09/06/2025 22:49

You could co-parent if he moves into the spare room. You will need support and I think it's too drastic breaking out on your own too soon. I think that's easier than divorcing him, buying him out and a messy fight for custody. You can assert your authority in the home as he was the one who messed up.
In time, you could make moves to go your separate ways but right now you do whatever suits YOU.

RosePippi · 09/06/2025 22:58

Just wanted to post to say I can’t wait to read when you serve him the papers.

It’s absolutely amazing reading your responses, you seem so strong and an absolute powerhouse to not allow some weak man to continue to not value you and disrespect you.

No doubt, this will be such a hard process but you will rise from this and be even stronger and happier for it.

“Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth”. You’ve got this mama, you and your kids will be fine.

Sending so much love and good wishes. Keep us updated, we are all behind you.

SlightlyJaded · 09/06/2025 23:11

Another one cheering you on. You have done so well and been SO restrained. Agree you shouldn't jeopardise your position by trying to see his phone unless you are 100 percent sure you can get away with it. Very tempting through...

I also get the absolute relief of having a red line crossed. Sometimes the gaslighting and eggshell walking can go on for years - for ever - and in a way, it's easier to have a concrete non-negotiable event to force your hand and relieve you of any doubt/guilt/confusion.

There will be hard months ahead but it's a means to an end. And a shiny new and better life. Hold that thought when you finally let him know what's going on.

BunnyEaster · 09/06/2025 23:15

What a stupid arrogant little shit he is. His karma will be hilarious

853ax · 09/06/2025 23:35

Good luck

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 09/06/2025 23:35

Good luck with it all OP. You’re so strong.

CRCGran · 09/06/2025 23:57

Miley Cyrus song ... Flowers......

TheTwoLeggedGrooveMachine · 10/06/2025 00:01

You're incredible. The second I found out my ex was cheating I fell apart and he was thrown out of the house within minutes. It was a bloody mess. So well done for having the fortitude to figure out what will work for you in the long run. I wish I could have been so bold 💐

justasking111 · 10/06/2025 00:22

@EmmaThompsonsTears

You deserve a 🥇 for holding it all together.

veryverytiredmummy · 10/06/2025 00:24

Just wanted to say (in addition to Well Done!) that moving a child at the start of a school year can be overrated. Kids are keen to see their friends at the start of a school year so the new kid can get a bit lost and that makes it harder to make friends.
Mid year you're a novelty so they're more likely to make an effort. It's swings and roundabouts but don't worry too much about the timing is my point.

Also although Primary school is important, I'd say they're are more good ones than there are great high schools so I think that should be your guide.

If you are going to want to move, do it as soon as you can whilst he's still feeling guilty and also so you're not then upsetting the arrangements that you've put in place in regard to the children. Do it now when the arrangements are all up for grabs and determination.

And some legal info from a family lawyer:
Child Arrangements: most are one resident parent. Non resident parent gets every other weekend F - Su and a tea-time contact (one early evening after school in the week) in the other week.. Most but not all. You have to get on well really or at least very civilly for 50/50 to work.

If 50/50 is right for your family it's better for the kids to go with alternate weeks.

Arrangements for the child to spend mother's day with you, father's Day with him regardless of which week it falls on.

Arrangements for the non resident parent to spend time on each child's birthday.

Half the holidays - either half a week each at half term or eg one gets October hols, the other gets Feb and whatever you can sort for May. Get it in stone early on.

Easter hols are a week each.

Summer hols 1 week parent A, 2 weeks parent B, 2 weeks parent A, 1 week parent B. I'm afraid it means holidays need booking well in advance and if you can't both be flexible then they get fixed in stone.

Christmas either alternatively or the kids do morning with one and afternoon with the other (personally I think the former is better for the kids. Insisting the kids spend time with both on Christmas Day is usually putting the parents' wants before the kids).

In some families one will move to celebrating the continental way and having presents and a special dinner on Christmas Eve. You might want to consider that and also consider whether you want NYE as a special family time or you'd rather be able to go out and party whilst the kids are with him.

Obviously if you follow a different religion then adapt for any festivals that are important to you.

I would also suggest you either invest in an app for communication. There are several. Family Wizard is a well known one. You can also though just set up an email address that's dedicated to communication with him. Use that to send photos and provides updates and send on school info and parents evening appointments arrangements etc. Don't use your personal email for communication. This way means you can switch it off if he starts being abusive/harassing and only look when you want to. If it's your personal email he can just invade it under the guise of communication about the children.

I would always always get the above sorted and agreed and WRITTEN DOWN both of you sign it.

You don't need a court or a lawyer as long as you consider all the above including how handover and pick up will work and the time of day for those.

You should put in "the children will live with the (resident parent)" and "(the resident parent) will make the children available to spend time with (the non- resident parent) as follows:"
And then write out what you've agreed.

And, obviously, keep a signed and dated copy

From what I've read, you have very much got this. Please keep us in touch every so often. I feel quite invested!

user1492757084 · 10/06/2025 05:26

You could focus on the kids. Pair off - you have one and he, the other for most days and nights.
Feign a mild sensation when going to the toilet - so no sexual intimacy and he will be guessing if he himself passed on the irritation. Wonder aloud whether it could be early pregnancy too!! Give him something to stew about while the children have a beautiful holiday.

FairyMaclary · 10/06/2025 06:13

Op I would not ever tell him you checked his phone. He will then blame you for checking - in the cheaters mind that’s logical.

Personally I would say someone told you. Refuse to say who. That will drive him wild because if only him and her know he will think it’s her.

You owe him very little now. Honesty is certainly something you do not owe him. It is clear he is happy to lie for months. Protect you and your children. Your mental health is your priority.

I also wouldn’t speak to the OW unless you have speak to her as she will meet the children ( or to ask on his behalf if it’s okay if he can move in with her if he’s refusing to leave your bedroom 😁 ) . She will be a great distraction and if they split there is a chance you’ll have him wailing and crying in your house and telling you about all his mistakes and regrets. And you don’t need that.

She’s gained herself a man who is abusive. Prepared to risk his wife’s mental and sexual health. Prepared to risk his children’s security. Rather than a) talking and saying you need counselling to save or split with Grace. B) going straight to divorce. She’s naive or complicit - maybe both. But if you 100% want rid then let her be his distraction.

He has betrayed himself first, you have to to cheat. He has become (or maybe always was) a liar and a cheat. Two very poor traits which very few people would want in a partner.

He will divorce and not figure out his whys. It is likely that he has poor personality traits that enabled him to do this: low self esteem, requiring ego kibbles (smoke up his arse), external validation, addiction issues, risk taking behaviours, people pleasing, inability to self soothe, instant gratification, poor coping mechanisms, poor communication skills, low integrity, dishonesty, ability to compartmentalise etc. Knight in shining armour complex (KISA). He will still need to figure out his reasons and do the work. If not the new relationship is likely a sticking plaster that makes him feel good - until it doesn’t. Unless he knows why he betrayed himself he will always be a risk to a partner.

Unless he fixes the issues he will remain capable of cheating. Sadly the traits that allow someone to cheat are the traits that mean someone finds it very hard to do The Work involved in creating a new successful marriage or relationship. They want to minimise, omit the full truth, rug sweep and push you to get over it. They play the victim and blame the relationship (or you) for their crappy choices. They experience regret but not remorse.

Cheating is easy, it’s not because a person is sexy or desirable, anyone can cheat. Just download tinder or pop to a sex club.

I choose to remain faithful. It’s a choice that I make. My vows mean something to me. I don’t cheat for me. My husband is really annoying at times, I don’t remain faithful for him. That would put him in control of my behaviour - which is daft. I could even twist that logic and say if he does A I am faithful but if he does C I flirt with my administrator or the man at the bar. So I am not faithful for him, I remain faithful for me. I want my word, my self respect and my integrity to mean something to ME. Because I matter to ME. so I remain faithful for me. What am I if my words are meaningless? My husband is my collateral damage. You sadly were collateral damage to your poor personality trait husband.

I wish you well op. Enjoy your witches party. Spend time thinking about your values. List them and live by them every day. THAT will get you through this. Your values - write them down. And journal around values if you journal.

You are the catch here. Faithful ✅ street smart (this past week has shown that) ✅ focused ✅ putting family, children first ✅ resourceful ✅ and you have been brave posting on here so - vulnerable ✅

Hes a sneaky snake - not partner material.

Good luck op. Life can really suck, but you have an army of us cheering you on and you’ll make new friends on the way, and you’ll be okay. Not every day and not for a while. But you will be okay.

nomas · 10/06/2025 06:40

.

theansweris42 · 10/06/2025 07:11

OP I just want to add my support and say I FELT that comment about still having a seperate utility room! That's the spirit!

You WILL get the house you want and need for you and the DC without this liar and cheat weighing you down.

hoopyloopy2 · 10/06/2025 07:32

Well done OP, stay strong. One thing confuses me though. You said you only looked at his phone once when he was blind drunk, and that when you did he had deleted all messages apart from a shared photo album with OW. So how do you know about some of their other messages you’ve referred to between them eg the conversations about shared surnames, or masturbation sessions? Did you somehow get hold of deleted messages?

CobraChicken · 10/06/2025 07:46

hoopyloopy2 · 10/06/2025 07:32

Well done OP, stay strong. One thing confuses me though. You said you only looked at his phone once when he was blind drunk, and that when you did he had deleted all messages apart from a shared photo album with OW. So how do you know about some of their other messages you’ve referred to between them eg the conversations about shared surnames, or masturbation sessions? Did you somehow get hold of deleted messages?

I think you misread in your eagerness to troll hunt there 🙄

"He’d deleted all her messages and calls from most of his apps (WhatsApp, texts, call log etc). I looked for other potential messaging apps we’ve not used together, like Snapchat and dating apps. He slipped with just one app. Oh and they had a shared photo album in his photos, but nothing spicy in it."

Flyswats · 10/06/2025 08:06

What outcome would you most like for your children? I mean stirring things up with nasty messages to the OW is one thing at this stage, but what if he marries her and she becomes their step mother? Don't you want that to benefit the kids not hurt them?

I know this goes agains the grain of every piece of advice about sneaking around gathering info and then dropping divorce papers on him unexpectedly, but what about an honest conversation that gets you as quickly and painlessly to the end goal as possible?

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