Trans Widows Support In The UK

[midlandhold]

Hey, I am a bit lost and looking for help/guidance.

My husband of 19 years admitted to me in March that he wants to transition and has started investigating surgeries etc.

I don't feel like i am capable of carrying on the relationship and have found that there just isn't really any 'real people' help for those of us who feel this way.

All I really want is to find someone I can actually talk to who can relate to what I am going through - is there anyone out there who could point me in the right direction?

I don’t know if any support but has this just come totally out of the blue?

Support available here:

https://www.transwidowsvoices.org/

and there are support threads on the feminism board:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights?order-by=newest

I was completely blindsided. He’s not transitioning fully. He wants facial surgery, no drugs no other ops so I guess that’s more AGP than anything else.

Is he wanting to change pronouns and names? Or just FFS? It is so common for them to trickle truth you. They are doing the boiling a frog thing where they think if they just ease you into it little by little you will get used to it and just stay with them.

If they say they are trans and just want xyz, most of the time they are lying to see what they can get away with and still have your support, access to your resources, your labor and married privilege. This is just the tip of the ice berg.
I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Yes he set up an Instagram account with his new name and pronouns in January. He didn’t tell me until March. He has talked about facial surgery but no mention of bottom surgery. He also set up a website to document his transition. It’s so narcissistic. Over the years he’s dipped in and out of the marriage when it suited him. He has used prostitutes, had a profile on chatturbate with videos of himself and plenty of other messed up stuff. He’s now getting his eyebrows and body waxed, tinting his eyelashes and having his nails painted. He’s going away for 3 nights in a couple of weeks time to a trans festival in Manchester. Even though I’ve expressed that it’s a bit early to be doing this and is really affecting my mental health. He just doesn’t care. He can’t wait he’s made the decision so tough luck to me and goodbye to the past 19 years. I don’t know who he is. He is a complete stranger to me.

In terms of practicalities, what is your financial security like, can you leave/make him leave easily?

This is such a shit thing to be going through he sounds, like you say, narcissistic. You may find some narc survivors resources helpful as support too.

He is still in the house as I can’t afford to take it on my own. He is in a different bedroom of course. I was made redundant so am going through that as well. Will eventually sell the house and buy something smaller for myself. Just so miserable having to deal with this after 19 years together,17 married and at the age of 53. He is 42.

Can’t you get divorce proceedings moving so you have something to work too, and once that is running start testing the water on dating apps or social events so you have things you can do/go out for and hopefully in time you can both go your separate ways. Play him at his own game and start moving on with your life.

I’ve started doing some stuff but it is difficult when you have invested 19 years of your life and someone is throwing it all away for a fetish. It’s like I have been living a lie for the past 19 years and I’m still incredibly angry and upset so prob not a good idea to start dating yet.

It sounds like he was already checked out tbh with the prostitutes and other stuff so the trans thing is almost a red herring!

In a few years you will likely look at his departure as a blessing!

It’s not that he’s checked out he’s not cold towards me at all. He would like us to stay together. That’s never going to happen. This is the final straw and yes I know I will be 100% better off probably this time next year but it doesn’t stop the hurt, anger and loneliness that I’m currently in. I would like to talk to people who have been through the exact same thing but there’s just nothing out there. It’s frustrating and makes me even more angry that women can’t have anything without men ruining it.

Yes, use these links OP. On here you want to be posting on the Feminism: Sex and gender discussions board in that 2nd link.

@TinselAngel who has been through what you are going through posts on there. She and others will understand what it's like and be able to help you.

Search for trans widows on mumsnet - there have been several threads on the FWR board. Also search for @tinselangelwho set up the trans widows website iirc. Good luck and hope you find the support you need.

I'm so sorry to hear this.

I saw from the sidelines two married men transition and the attention seeking was off the scale. He had a website, constantly buying clothes and wigs and fully expected his wife to stay with him.

The other is now in a relationship with 2 other trans women and is constantly telling people how hot they are.

He is not your friend. He just expects you to accept this because it's best for him. He never expected you not to. I know it's hard but this was his decision and it has consequences. You need to look after you.

Here's an example of a support thread for trans spouses on the feminism board only posted less than 3 weeks ago. Plenty on there who will understand your situation OP.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/5342920-trans-spouse-general-discussion?page=1

Thank you for this. Have been on website and spoke to the person who runs it and they don’t have an online forum unfortunately. I will check out the feminism forum that sounds like it could be helpful.

Thank yes I have been in contact with them but they don’t run a forum.

It appears to be coming more common. It’s awful. I’m so angry that he has wasted 19 years of my life and in fact the best years of my life. My 30s and 40s. So selfish.

This is great thank you so much! I really appreciate it!

It might also be worth watching as at least you will know you are from alone in what you are going through.

To add to the other links (the Mumsnet link is the best in the world), Tracy Shannon and Ute Heggen on YouTube in interview and chats may bring some classic to you.

Gosh what a terribly difficult thing to be going through OP, my heart is with you. I can’t imagine how you must be feeling after such a long time together. I do agree that a support group or speaking to a therapist could help you xx

Thete is a really good podcast episode about this that I can find for you if you want, about how they just plow straight ahead and how you can set your own boundaries and what to expect. Let me know.

It really does look like an addiction, like it's completely out of control. Are you looking at getting away from him?

I find the using of prostitutes strange and this would indicate more of a sex addiction rather than genuine gender dysphoria. How concerning. This def sounds more like AGP and some kind of fetish!

I agree that boundaries are going to be important here. I hope you’re able to look after yourself OP and get some good self-care and a support network in place.

I just saw the posts about the financial situation. I'm sorry you are dependent on him for a while. I'm glad you are in separate bedrooms.

Have you talked to any lawyers about possible ways to work selling the house and splitting the proceeds? He might say there is no way he would do that but people often have no idea what the real laws are or what ths reality is of divorce until lawyers get involved.

My advice is to not assume anything legally until you talk to a lawyer or maybe a few of them. If he won't leave its possible he would be forced to pay you half of the equity up front. You never know.