Trans Widows Support In The UK

[midlandhold]

Hey, I am a bit lost and looking for help/guidance.

My husband of 19 years admitted to me in March that he wants to transition and has started investigating surgeries etc.

I don't feel like i am capable of carrying on the relationship and have found that there just isn't really any 'real people' help for those of us who feel this way.

All I really want is to find someone I can actually talk to who can relate to what I am going through - is there anyone out there who could point me in the right direction?

How can you be attracted to a transwoman if you are heterosexual?

Since transwomen remain men, it’s even less likely that lesbians will be attracted to them.

The problem is we’re asked (well they demand) to wholly buy into the idea that they are a woman. That’s when it becomes incompatible with our heterosexuality. That and them making themselves generally unattractive to us of course.

From the article:

"Either way, this situation is about them, not you"

Come on please. A relationship and the effect on it, is very clearly about both of you, wouldn't you say?

Yes, I can absolutely see why heterosexual women wouldn’t be attracted to them either.

same.

The article Mamabear is similar to a lot of resources made available for women (most commonly) which are directed at placing the partner's needs first (above women and children in the midst of this bomb blast). I found plenty of support and advice if I wanted to stay with my ex, believed he was becoming female, or wanted to support the transition process, but very little (apart from Tinsel's work on Mumsnet and the bespoke site) for women unhappy or sceptical as this OP seems to be.

When my ex was claiming ardently that he was just a cross dresser, I asked him how he felt when he was fully en femme with the fake boobs, 4 inch heels, long wig, et. Etc. He said "pretty". I was really shocked because he doesn't pass and honestly not to be mean but since he fully transitioned people who haven't met him before totally know he is a man or they think he is an ugly woman.

The people who do think he is "stunning" are gay men and pansexual people and other TIMs who think any man in a dress is gorgeous.

I was shocked that it was so much about how he thought other people thought he was pretty. I thought he was going to say he felt empowered or independent or free, you know?

But it isn't a fetish.

(1) White Lotus Oasis: A Healing Space for Transwidows | Helena Fitzsimmons | Substack https://share.google/sgXik4ekNFovOiiKf

Is a good group of articles for us. Also look up Ute Heggen. She is on substack and has a YouTube channel. She was also in the Behind the Looking Glass movie. That is on YouTube. I recommend it but with caution.

If you haven't seen it yet, just know it is very raw, very real. Get your kleenex out, maybe have a support person you can talk to right away. Take breaks. I couldn't watch it all at once and it had been 8 years for me. I know two of the women in it and hearing their voices instead of just reading their story hit hard.

Here is a good podcast episode
S2 Ep 11: The Cis-Spouse Bill of Rights - OurPath https://share.google/qhzTU9XBM0BFdaV9c

Also www.ourpatg.org has a lot of resources that can help you.

For one thing they are in the sales business. They are selling very expensive procedures that are going to require a life time of follow up. They create a surgical wound that has to be daily dilated or it will close up. They are prone to infection and other issues I don't want to talk about because it's extra nauseating.

So they now have a guaranteed life long patient who had to keep coming back to get checked and if anything goes wrong. They have a patient guaranteed to keep coming back for hormones. And the hormones cause their own issues, for transmen and transwomen that they are going to need medical help for. Its a guaranteed steady stream of income.

My ex suddenly got high triglycerides and high blood pressure "out of nowhere". I was so worried. It turns out he was taking estrogen and T blockers behind my back. And causing himself harm without discussing it with me.

So now he is an eternal patient. They will make money off of these people until they die from a heart attack or stroke from estrogen.

So basically unless they are unable to care for their wound or they aren't cognizant enough to make any decisions, they are going to approve the surgeries.

There was a disgusting conversation a few years ago about "the cotton ceiling" and how unfair it is that lesbians aren't attracted to TIMs. And that they should literally go to therapy so they can stop associating penises with trauma so it's "fair" to TIMs. Because they are entitled to everyone's bodies and are entitled to have everyone be attracted to them and want to date them.

Taking estrogen can't change your boy hood, it doesn't change your bone structure, your center of gravity, the size of your hands and feet. It doesn't erase the decades of testosterone and male socialization. It doesn't erase the decades of male privilege you had.

It is not a coincidence that so many of these later life TIMs have squeezed all they can out of their male privilege. Then they reach the peak of their career and suddenly its time to transition.

That’s absolutely ludicrous!!! I never knew they had to dilate themselves daily, is that correct?!? Omg.

You are so right - this is what irks me the most, the fact that they’ve had years of male privilege. Something us biological women will never have or know!!! Also they don’t menstruate, will not go through pregnancy, will never experience the same hormonal issues e.g. PCOS, endometriosis etc or go through the menopause. I just cannot relate to a transwoman in the same way as a fellow biological woman.

I once had a poster on mumsnet shout at me on here and criticise my point that just because they don’t experience the same ailments or disadvantages that we do doesn’t make them any less of a woman 🤯🤯

Yes, daily. Also now that they are aging and a lot are getting dementia, there is another issue which is that often they wake up every morning in a panic because their penis is gone. They completely forget that they transitioned.

And there is a whole argument over how to handle this. Its an ethical mess.

And at that point I would imagine it just has to be let go and grow back together because who is going to convince them to do that and I doubt nurse staff would do it. Its pretty intrusive.

There is a link at the top of this article to another article about the philosophical issues with them forgetting they transitioned.

https://helenafitzgibbons.substack.com/p/what-is-the-authentic-self