Trans Widows Support In The UK

[midlandhold]

Hey, I am a bit lost and looking for help/guidance.

My husband of 19 years admitted to me in March that he wants to transition and has started investigating surgeries etc.

I don't feel like i am capable of carrying on the relationship and have found that there just isn't really any 'real people' help for those of us who feel this way.

All I really want is to find someone I can actually talk to who can relate to what I am going through - is there anyone out there who could point me in the right direction?

Ok perfect thank you!

I do think that porn really has a lot to do with AGP but Dr Blanchard did his research in the 90's before the internet had a lot of porn. They probably had fetish magazines.

My ex scheduled his whole life so that he could get home an hour before everyone else. He was also up earlier than anyone. I would find make up-covered kleenexes in the trash when I came home that weren't there in the morning.

Anytime anything or anyone challenged his schedule he would get agitated and anxious and insist that he could never change it because he couldn't possibly be expected to sit in any traffic at all ever.

I'm convinced he was coming home to look at porn and probably send photos to people and likely was cheating on me online. His browsers were always wiped clean. He got so anxious when I would ask to borrow his phone. He took it everywhere with him, even in the bathroom to take a shower.

He even missed out on raises and promotions because coming home early was more important to him than working the hours his boss wanted him to work.

The "sisters" who created the Matrix movies are trans. One of them did a public interview in which it was admitting that watching trans porn was what made them want to come out.

I meant to say "it was admitted" as in the passive voice to avoid a pronoun. I would never refer to a person as "it" but it won't let me change it now. Damn.

Arrgghh very annoying! But interesting as I didn’t know that.

Midland hold. You have done well over 3/4 months to have decided what you want. I feel your anger at what you look at as 19: wasted years but use that anger to move forward. If you do not find what you are looking for here try Straight Spouse Anonymous to build moving forward.
Take the warning about creeping treatments seriously. There is plenty of evidence on here of how you can be drawn in by just this, then just that etc.
There is a future for you out there, but anything trans seriously messes with your head. You need good friends, a good lawyer and the impetus to move forward..

Sorry, I know this is a little off topic, but shouldn’t there be a better vetting / regulations before men like these transition into women?!

Thank you wise words x

If only there was!

They don't require any psychological vetting anymore to get hormones. For the surgeries, I don't know. They used to.

I had to get a psychologist to approve my weight loss surgery, you would think having your genitals turned inside out would be a big enough deal that you would need to be sure the person was stable enough to do the after care and all the things they need to take care of their surgical wound for the rest of their life.

Back in the 90's Dr Blanchard said that if a man was married and wanted to take cross sex hormones they needed his wife to approve of it or they had to get a divorce first. Now they don't care what we think or feel about being forced into a lesbian marriage.

This is another big issue that isn’t widely spoken about in my opinion. I had a friend who worked in a gender reassignment clinic, and she said she assessed someone for reassignment surgery who had a history of domestic violence against his wife at the time!!!

Why is this issue not in focus?!

I am so scared, there is no support group for partners /wives of husbands declaring he is trans now. My husband of 14 years says he is a transwoman. Since the new year my head is going round in circle and all days and night I am.just crying. I have 2 young children and just dont know what to do. He initially said he will not do anything about it and present himself as a man but since March I found out he has a female name for him and has put himself for gender hormone treatment. My life has turned upside down and just scared. Not once in the last 14 years he said anything about his feelings. I am a straight woman and not attracted to woman.

I am so mad angry, hitting wall everywhere, he calls me transphobe as I wouldn't accept him as a woman and wouldnt stay with him. We tried couples therapy and individual counselling but all say about how I can support him! Why are we forced to support on how they feel. Why there is no wider recognised support for women like me. This is so unfair! Finally I have decided to seperate.

The link is not working for me

Yes it’s incredibly frustrating. The experience of what we are going through is unlike anything else. I’m having therapy once a week and it helping. You can always chat on here if you need to vent as I understand your anger. Mine is dissipating now as I look back and realise the relationship was never great. Don’t get me wrong we had good times but his bad behaviour and emotional abuse didn’t really hit me until recently. If you also want to chat offline I can dm you. I really feel for you and your children. Sending you big hugs xx

Thank you lovely xxx I just feel like crying. Everything has moved so quickly from me finding out to he wanting to transition in flatb6 months :( I didn't have anytime to take in all this. I worry for my under 11 children's mental health :( My mother in law is very supportive of him and thinks my children will be ok accepting him. Its me who cannot accept him as a woman. Why are we forced to feel it is ok for them to transition and if not label us as transphobes. Only we know what happens to us emotionally and mentally.

It’s usually quick. Once they’ve made up their minds nothing can stop them. It’s the narcissism. What doesn’t help is all the people out there that support these AGP men. It’s a sexual fetish and nothing else. It’s hijacked pride and made it an unsafe world for lesbians. There are a lot of women, men, gays and lesbians that do not support this cult on X so have a look on there. Once you like one post you will get to see all the others. It’s a mental illness and once they start those drugs it escalates. The affirmation is also like a drug. They get addicted to people saying they look pretty and beautiful. My husband has childhood trauma. I know exactly where his stems from and it’s his mother. I was frightened as I’m 53 and was frightened of having to start again. But there was no way we were staying in a marriage together. We still live together but he is on a different floor of the house. I have my space and he has his. This is until we can get financial stuff sorted. Do you have family that can support you? I’m always here to chat too xx

Pmd you xx

I really feel for you - you must be going through so many emotions (and all very valid). If I was in your shoes, I’d also worry about the children and it’s almost like grieving a loss of a father figure for them. But of course these men don’t think about that do they, they just think about themselves.

Yes he says that he is still the same person. Ofcourse he is not, he wants to change his name, his identity, his dressing and says the birth name means nothing to him. Its all so surreal and sickening. And accuses me that my love is not true as I cannot accept him wholly for what he has now identified. I now feel he is trying to put all his guilt on me.

Hey, this is such a tricky situation for you both! Well done for reaching out for support as it's important to look after you too!

This blog is helpful and it links to useful signposting for support for you x

https://www.verywellmind.com/how-to-mentally-emotionally-process-your-partner-coming-out-as-trans-5442928

Don’t accept the guilt. You fell in love with and married a completely different person imo.

It’s funny how they want us to accept them and all their changes without any consequence at all, or thought for how it affects us, and also say that they are the same person. How can you be attracted to a transwoman if you are heterosexual?

The conditions have completely changed…

This article is gaslighting. I really don’t recommend it.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4879982-trans-widows-escape-committee-6-the-next-generation?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

I’d suggest support conversation are kept on the Trans Widows thread where we have a bit more protection from unhelpful ploppers.

I 100% agree

This is all about how WE should care for them had anyone thought about OUR mental state and what it does to us? !! Where is the support for our mental wellbeing for our children's mental health. I might be wrong butbi am of the opinion this is a mental illness, unfortunately it is not treated as such. When I asked him what does he feel when he says he feels like a woman. He has no answer apart from dressing up and he being addressed with his new name!! My children are going to lose a father from their life! I didn't enter this marriage with bringing children into our life with a woman and not father.

It’s a terrible article. Exactly the sort of thing I’ve been working against for the last 8 years.