34 years of hell

[34yearsinthedarkness]

Hi
i I think I accidentally hijaked someone’s thread in relationships, I’m new sorry x
I’ll keep it shorter.

1. 34 year old terrible marriage
2. DA forever
3. Two beautiful grown up daughters who deserved far better than they suffered and my 3 perfect grandsons ( only not 1 to keep it in order!)
4. Alcohol and drug dependent
5. Got us in tens and tens of thousand s
6. and never bothered with saving. Ever.
7. My girls and I all developed complex mental health issues. Was a Midwife but had to take early retirement when I was diagnosed with Bipolat
8. He neither knows nor cares
9. We love him all the same but I think it’s slowly sinking in that he is a prick
10. and I was asking for advice, I know what I would say to someone else but it’s me.
11. appreciated, I’m sure the original was too long anyway x

What is still keeping you with him? Your daughters are now grown up, he’s still the same, do you want to stay with him till the end?

What is the financial situation? Can you afford to leave? Would your daughters suport you through the upheaval?

You’ve done your time (without a crime), time to think about yourself and get some peace amd quiet from him for the next 30+ years…

You're still with him right?

Your children are grown up now. What's stopping you from splitting up with him?

Hi
i I have a £500 pcm NHS pension- am a retired Midwife ( when I wasn’t struggling with Bipolar)) but now do part time cleaning. It’s going to be v difficult but my younger daughter who’s a struggling single parent will always be here for me and although my elder is 300 miles away I know she and my son in law will be there emotionally-
I know it will be awful in every way but so is staying.
Im staying from fear of the unknown and because now I feel sorry for him and he always manages to be nice for a couple of weeks ( largely) when he realises he’s gone too far so I stay.
someone mentioned co dependence and that’s what it is.
im unbelievably resilient though and im thinking im the only obstacle?

Yes but I have an assessment tomorrow with a DA charity who could support me to leave.
Im 58 next month, I’ve wanted to leave for most of our long arduous marriage but I wasn’t ready till now- but I’ve been here before.
My gut says leave, it always has , but I read what I and others have written and staying makes no sense anymore
I know how hard it is I really do, but you’re so unhappy and he will always be the same.

Keep posting for support @34yearsinthedarkness, I and others here have left DV relationships and understand the complexities.

I really appreciate you saying that.
I think if I don’t do it now, I’m letting the last chance to be happy slip through my fingers- AGAIN.
its like I know what I want and need to do, but he is emotionally illiterate and thinks I just threaten it.
if I leave it will come as a bolt from the blue for him-
Thanks for msg x

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for 23 years until about 18 months ago. He started being EA to my teenage daughter and that's when I was done. It's incredibly hard at first, I won't lie, because it's a huge adjustment, but once you get past that, the benefits are immense. I feel so much better, mentally. My relationship with my daughter has much improved too.

I wish you peace and happiness @34yearsinthedarkness .

Thankyou
i I know that once time passes it will get easier but I’ve woken up to a note
” Good morning Darling, I hope you’re feeling happier today - love xxxx
He started shouting last night about 8.30 pm so I went to bed.
its really hard but I should’ve left with my girls, they suffered EA at his hands and I stayed and they are both damaged because of that decision to stay.
He has always been like a parent, I have nothing to do with finances ( in massive debt because of him) and no clue how to manage my own life.
that said I haven’t changed my mind about the need to leave so I’m meeting a DA abuse charity to help me.
he says I’m a gaslighting abusive bully because I retaliate and get angry and say nasty things back sometimes. He says he’ll destroy me if I use DA as a reason to divorce, why am I still even here?!

Keep focused on leaving. Formulate a plan and hold on to the thought.

It might seem overwhelming, but it will be so so worth it.

@34yearsinthedarkness the fact is you ARE acting now. Thats all you need to concentrate on.

As for the rest, how to deal with finances ect, it can be learned.
Wishing you strengh for your appointment today.

Thanks
Im just gonna have to follow my gut, take heed of everyone I’ve ever told and put myself first.
i want myself and a life that’s worth living.
you give me hope

Good luck OP, you deserve to be happy. 🫶🏻

Let us know how your appointment goes. You can do it!

I left a 25 year emotionally abusive marriage 2 years ago. He was also physically abusive to our DD and had numerous affairs.
I stayed far, far longer than I should have done and then something just clicked.
Now I finally have peace and I live in a lovely little house with my adult son and daughter. Both have suffered with their mental health like your girls, and I do carry guilt for this and wish I had left years ago. However, they are healing and doing really well.
I do not miss my ex husband in the slightest. You can do this OP. It wont lie and say the process will be easy, but I can assure you it will be worth it and you deserve a chance at happiness. Also you dont have to list abuse as a reason for divorce, they are all no fault now.

Hope your appointment goes well. You can do this. Don’t let this chance pass you by.

If you are in the UK the divorce process is now really simple and we have no fault divorces so you don't even have to have a reason so DV won't even come into it.

Remember you don't need a reason to divorce, anyone can end a relationship whenever they choose.

I hope your meeting the DA worker goes well 🩷

Are you married OP? If so don't worry you will be OK as you will get a share of his income and pension. You can leave and have enough money to be single and happy! Put that at the forefront of your thoughts and good luck with your appointment today.

Could you and your daughter get a place together? You might be able to help each other out

He’ll destroy you if you use DA as a reason to divorce? He does realise you don’t actually need a reason to divorce these day .

I left a 29 year marriage in 2022. My XH sounds very similar to yours, at least for the last 15 years. Alcoholic, financially chaotic, emotionally and sexually abusive. My adults DDs helped me get out.
I now live alone, and will have to work full time until I am 68, but I know to the pound how much money I have, where it is and what my budget is. The feeling of being in control of that is amazing.
Also, my house is tiny, in a cheaper town than i lived in before, but I love it. It's all mine, I pay the bills, he has never lived here. One of the things XH used to do was rant to me and the DDs for hours about what leeches we were (I always worked) and how he had to pay for everything. The joy of being free from that cannot be understated.
After so long you can't see how bad it is, once you step outside you will never want to go back. Take whatever help you can, Womens Aid, family, freinds, they will want to help you. Life is far too short to stay with him. I am embarrassed about how long it took me. It might be difficult for a while, but then it will get easier and easier every day.

You can do it.
My mum did this after 32 years.
It took her a long time to work up to it and a few failed efforts.

She was feeling strong and viewed a flat - she paid a rental deposit on the spot and then a few weeks later he came home from work and she had taken her things and my siblings and left.
She furnished using freecycle and a few bits off Ebay etc which tided her over.

I was at uni and she didnt tell me in case he somehow found out (I had been begging her to leave for years)

Life was much better for everyone after.

Stop thinking about what he feels, says, does as your responsibility. You are not responsible for his wellbeing. Don't interact with his nonsense about 'destroying you'. You leave and don't look back . Don't tell him you are going and don't tell him where you've gone. Seek help for finances from womens aid or ask if they can signpost you to financial help. You can do it!

I met my H when I was 18, and I'm now in the process of leaving aged 61. So it can be done! Yes it will be hard, yes your life will look nothing like it has been, but consider the journey as an adventure (with various highs and lows) but the destination as peace and contentment.

Learn the art of grey rocking so you aren't sucked into arguments, and start to understand that his nice words are only said to keep you trapped and not that he means them. Keep your eyes fixed on the horizon and put one foot in front of the other until you are through the storm

@34yearsinthedarkness you've given him 34 years to change and he won't bother. Don't give him the rest of your life.

YOU can determine what kind of relationship you have.

My in laws were married for 30 years and and still are but they don't live together. They just don't get along being a couple under the same roof. Now, they have their own homes and finances. They still spend time together but it is on their terms and not on societal expectations. They're friends now because they love each other too much to just divorce and go live without each other.

There is no reason you couldn't forge a similar relationship with DH. Get your own homes, separate finances and then just meet to have lunch together or go out somewhere or go visit grand kids. Be involved but have your own safe space where you can retreat if he acts like a dick or abuses you. You can also put him on time outs when he does to preserve your own mental health.

Don't stay together thinking anything will change because you know it won't and there is still a life out there for you if you are brave enough to take a step out and see it.

Channel that resilience into leaving and building a life away from your and your children's abuser.

You and they have accepted abuse for too long and jts become entrenched.