34 years of hell

[34yearsinthedarkness]

Hi
i I think I accidentally hijaked someone’s thread in relationships, I’m new sorry x
I’ll keep it shorter.

1. 34 year old terrible marriage
2. DA forever
3. Two beautiful grown up daughters who deserved far better than they suffered and my 3 perfect grandsons ( only not 1 to keep it in order!)
4. Alcohol and drug dependent
5. Got us in tens and tens of thousand s
6. and never bothered with saving. Ever.
7. My girls and I all developed complex mental health issues. Was a Midwife but had to take early retirement when I was diagnosed with Bipolat
8. He neither knows nor cares
9. We love him all the same but I think it’s slowly sinking in that he is a prick
10. and I was asking for advice, I know what I would say to someone else but it’s me.
11. appreciated, I’m sure the original was too long anyway x

You have made the first step by realising how wrong this is.
You could have another 20 years or more and how great would it be if they were free of abuse?
You have family who can support you and it may be that you have a claim on any marital assetts and/or your H's pensions so seek advice on that as you may end up more financially scure than you thought
Good Luck x

I was going to say the same thing. It could possibly be a great opportunity for you both

Of course you must leave. Imagine how nice life would be, even if you were living in a little flat on your own.

Bear in mind that he may have a claim on YOUR pension: I've had NHS friends who divorced late in life and unfortunately had to give half their pension to their spouse. Speak to a solicitor and get your ducks in a row. Don't spent another year being miserable!

You are all amazing thanks so much for taking the time to help and support me.
my husband never bothered with a pension!
I think I’d take the leave when he’s out and block his number and just go with the flow but my stomach lurches when I think about it.
i have no choice, I’m broken enough and have lost myself- I want me back x

The OP is claiming her pension so he can't have half of it.
It's only counted as an asset if you aren't taking it.
It will be counted as her income though

Pension Sharing Orders can apply even if the pension is in payment (obviously the lump sum will already be in the pot as an asset).

I take my pension because my Bipolat disorder was diagnosed late and I couldn’t cope at work anymore- I was 43 and it’s only £500 pcm as I only qualified at 32.
he will take whatever he can after the initial tears and begging- this man is 60 and still sucks his thumb, I feel sorry for him for wrecking his own life as well as ours

You've suffered enough I hope you find the strength to leave x

He has abused you for decades. Please don't waste your energy feeling sorry for him.

Grasp the opportunity to make a new life for yourself.

You’re all so kind- appreciated x

You might feel scared at the prospect of leaving but let’s face it you’ve been scared for 34 years. Might heart goes out to you . I am sure you will HUGE relief at the freedom you have once you make the leap. Imagine:
Never having to walk on eggshells
Never having to explain cuts and bruises
Never suddenly finding out there’s no money but being able to spend your money as you see fit
Never having to worry about family events being spoilt eyc
Putting yourself and your lovely family first
Enjoying your life instead of holding your breath.

Do it Op. You must be very strong to get this far … just one more step to take x

I know you’re right, I want to leave but I don’t want to go through the process you know? We met when I was 21 and he literally acts like he’s my Dad, except my dad was a wonderful kind loving man and I miss him and mum terribly still.
my mh is taking a nosedive, I get ideation of ending my life a lot because I’m a coward but I can’t do that to my family and it’s not going to happen- still niggles though.
im in a bad Bipolar depression because of the way he is and he can be lovely and I know it’s that part of him I love, but those moments never last. He just yo-yo’s from one extreme to another, a lot, every single day and I’m still here.
I know what I have to do- I wish that first part was over because I’m such a coward

You are not a coward. You have survived 34 years and sounds like you have e raised a wonderful family. That’s strength not cowardice.

Generally our fear of the unknown is far greater than the fear we have from any awful situation we're currently in. Not logical when written down but it's a very strong feeling that can freeze us from making change.
I divorced mine after 37 years and couldn't t imagine a life not living with him. But 3.5 years on, here I am single, free and at peace. I used to get very dark moments (maybe a kind of depression) however, since I've settled into my new life they've now gone.
the actual break was very hard I won't lie, but once through that hard year life just got lighter.

Good luck with your meeting with WA.

I get ideation of ending my life a lot because I’m a coward but I can’t do that to my family and it’s not going to happen- still niggles though.
I was suicidal towards the end of my marriage but then I had a lightbulb moment. I didn't want to die I just wanted to escape from him. So I pulled my big girl pants on and made an escape plan (with many tweaks, I'm possibly on Plan M now).

im in a bad Bipolar depression because of the way he is
I had a choice. Do I get myself medicated just to stay with someone who doesn't actually like me - or do I choose me and leave? Since starting this process I am no longer suicidal and my depression and anxiety is slowly lifting, with zero medication. I suspect your MH will improve dramatically too.

What part of the leaving plan do you need advice on?

I contacted a DA charity and I ran- I’m in a hotel until Monday then they’ll help me find somewhere to stay. It was awful, but all he did was call the police to say I’d had a mental breakdown and was suicidal…
then he told my daughter he wasn’t leaving the house.
No tears nothing, you guys were right and although actually leaving the home I love was terrifying I did it and now my life is mine.
Im ok, I’ve done the worst part and I’m here and I’m calm and I’m not sad

Well done @34yearsinthedarkness, there will be rough days ahead but a year from now your life will be so much better.
Stay strong amd well done xxx

Thank you- I know you’re right, life’s only just beginning! X

He is certainly a narcissist at the least. Many people subject to this type of relationship for years feel suicidal. You're abused manipulated confused gaslit smeared all sorts by them. It leaves damage to your nervous system and it causes PTSD if exposed long enough.

Even his note is highly manipulative. Like you're the problem. And using your MH is part of smearing you to absolve responsibility. They do this because accountability is impossible for them. Any ' sorry' would be false.

You'll feel much better in every way with time when you're away from him. You're not responsible for him. We all have choices. Many of us had really shitty life experiences and chose not to abuse people. He is a sure fire reason you feel suicidal. It's him and the impact of long standing emotional abuse by someone personality disordered. They often abuse alcohol and drugs these people.

He may try hoover you back in with various tactics but this is when you must not forget all you have suffered and endured.

Well done OP! That's the hardest bit done and I wish you all the peace and happiness you deserve for your future. It takes incredible strength to endure what you have - now that strength can be focused on YOU and your lovely family. So pleased for you.

I left a 25 year EA marriage 5 years ago and the best advice I can give is to have counselling once you feel able/can organise it. Specialist support for people who have been/are in abusive relationships is invaluable.

You might find you're flooded with good memories (if so it'll pass!) but tbh the opposite was true for me - once I'd got away it felt safer to look clearly at the way I'd been treated. I then felt extreme anger and it took a couple of years to progress to full detachment.

Bloody well done - here's to your new life!!!!! 🍾

Well done! The first step is always the hardest one to take and you've done it! The coming months will have plenty of highs and lows but in one year's time you will look back on this moment and you'll see how far you've come.

You're a warrior queen, remember that 💪

Oh sweet heart, life will get so much easier when he’s not in your life.

At the 30 year mark I saw him up in the face of an 80 year old relative, being awful to her. I knew that would be me, I left to protect the 80 year old version of me, because the 79 year old version wouldn’t be able to to.

He deserves no sympathy. The notes are manipulation, and you should be angry.

Op I just wanted to say that I’m really proud of you 😊

You guys really did give me the clarity I needed to be brave and I’m genuinely touched and grateful because strangers bothering to msg me such heartfelt words makes me feel worth my place on earth!
im wakeful in a hotel and I haven’t a single regret and know that this is the most poweful thing I will ever do.
eventually I want to follow my dreams, recently I did a guided meditation podcast involving the phrase
” who are you and what do you want?” And it came to me that I’m my own person and I want to buy a houseboat one day!
ok so we did about £50 000 equity release on our house and lots of debt, but even after all that and the divorce etc - it’s still do able, plus I can get the dog I’ve never been allowed to have. That alone will be amazing, but baby steps.
I left my rubbish abusive marriage, freed my daughters and started the best part of my life, by, in the near future, living my best life.
you all rock!
Thankyou xxxx

Well done - this is great news. You have done amazing 🩷

You may not have slept last night as all the adrenalin will be coursing through you but sleep will come in time.

Does your pension go into your own bank account?
If it doesn't please ensure this changes as you don't want him getting his hands on your money now you've left.