34 years of hell

[34yearsinthedarkness]

Hi
i I think I accidentally hijaked someone’s thread in relationships, I’m new sorry x
I’ll keep it shorter.

1. 34 year old terrible marriage
2. DA forever
3. Two beautiful grown up daughters who deserved far better than they suffered and my 3 perfect grandsons ( only not 1 to keep it in order!)
4. Alcohol and drug dependent
5. Got us in tens and tens of thousand s
6. and never bothered with saving. Ever.
7. My girls and I all developed complex mental health issues. Was a Midwife but had to take early retirement when I was diagnosed with Bipolat
8. He neither knows nor cares
9. We love him all the same but I think it’s slowly sinking in that he is a prick
10. and I was asking for advice, I know what I would say to someone else but it’s me.
11. appreciated, I’m sure the original was too long anyway x

Hang in there @34yearsinthedarkness. You are doing amazing. Take it all day at a time. Sending hugs

I was in your position 15 years ago, I ended up in emergency accommodation, I was frightened by the thought of being independent, my future seems so uncertain and I missed all the good bits of home. I knew little by little my ex had made me feel invisible with no voice, no rights and it was destroying me, I just walked out, with no plan. I couldn’t think further than the end of the day, my mind couldn’t untangle why I had been so unhappy for 17 years with ex and a big part of me believed his words, that he was a good man and I was the problem. It took a good year to realise how awful, narcissistic he and his family had been, how controlling they were and they had tried to stamp out my opinions, wants and needs into oblivion. I still had a spark deep inside they couldn’t get to and I ran with it. I freed myself, I had no money and it was hard at times but I never regretted it.
You are a strong woman, you’ve endured so much in the past and you can do this !

You’re more likely missing familiarity. Your abusive marriage has been your normal for so long. You’ve shown incredible strength to leave and should be so proud of yourself. Write a list of some of the worst things that have happened over the years and read it when you’re having a wobble.

You are about to start living the life you deserve, stay strong

Hi op, just read your story today and am rooting for you! I know so many in your position, my heart goes out to you. I managed to leave after ‘only’ 8 years of da but it was still hard, I can’t imagine trying to do it at our age! I’m 58 this month too; I know how you start to think ‘it’s now it never’; you can do this, you can have a much happier, more peaceful life doing what YOU want instead of walking on eggshells and being stressed and anxious. Yes that first bit is hard, and scary. And you need time to grieve. Keep your image of the person and life you want, how it will look. And keep in touch with women’s aid, they will support you. Like you did yesterday at the church, find something for yourself today that is just for you. Notice how you’re feeling, play some happy music. It’s a new dawn, a new day, and you’re feeling good! (Credit to the great Nina Simone)

@34yearsinthedarkness you are doing so well. This dark part is the bit before it gets so so SOOOO much better. Hang in there and don’t go back. Write down all the shitty things he’s done, list one per year.

Also try to get out, go for a walk and have a look to see if that church has any groups you could join.

The darkest hour is always just before dawn.

You are scared of the unknown future and you miss the routine of your old life. The house, the knickknacks, the garden, the area, and you start thinking of if only. If only I had done this, if only he had done that and it drags you back into insanity. Avoid it.

Shake off the past and concentrate on the present. Get practical and only dream of how you will decorate your new place. What colours? What furniture? What cushions? Which dinner plates? And what have you always wanted that he hated? Mine will be a dishwasher, a hot bath, and candles. Lots and lots of candles.

We are with you on this journey. We know you have the strength to continue it

How are you doing @34yearsinthedarkness ? I hope you are ok x

Sorry I went quiet, I appreciate all your kind msgs- I’m in a refuge now safe and happy. It’s a week since I came and honestly after a few wobbly days I’m doing better than I ever imagined and am realising how capable I am after years of learned helplessness- I face many challenges but I’m happy and excited about my future

I can use plug ins, nail polish and get a dog! Sorted 😁😁😁

I love your update...the world really is your oyster 🩷

If it's that's bad you need a single life and 2 daughters who are lovely l would put money aside and begin your route to a single life and being happy is not 34 years enough to suffer from this is a long time to be unhappy at your age no insult you should be happy

You are AMAZING @34yearsinthedarkness ! Keep on. You've got through the worst. There will be tough days, but we're here for you.

Hi ya l mintydoggy and your hubby can't take your pension,also on 500 pounds a month you could claim universal credit and they would help you get a job or if you are struggling with bi polar move you to P.i.p or other benifits to help . I am a hmrc / dwp inspector and please get help as you are already and you don't deserve an unhappy life , a chap should never ever ill treat there wife , wives should be happy and even as single you deserve to be happy .

I’m so happy for you, I so admire your courage, your future will be full of peace and happiness and you can be free to be yourself.

Op I left after 17 years with my two young teens 3.5 years ago. It’s scary at the start and I’ve trailed through a bit of hell but please keep holding on through the tough days because the peace that awaits you is SOOOOO good. You’re a smart woman, you’ll rebuild what may be a simple life, but it’ll be a damn peaceful one. You’ll be surprised how much better your mental health gets. So many people diagnosed with disorders when actually they’re just being driven slowly insane by a sociopath. Good things ahead op, keep going!

Hello lovely !

I was with ny ex husband young for 11 years- he convinced me I was insane I was diagnosed bipolar ( meds too). I raised my brothers from 14 - 17, yet he manged to convince me u was incapable of raising our kids and he'd take them from me, kill me blah blah. Anyway he started EA our eldest when she was 6. I left. I was capable of more then I knew and actually turns out I wasn't bipolar at all, all the symptoms were of him doing mental damage. I'm now happy and thriving I believe in you and your happy future life !

Wonderful news!