34 years of hell

[34yearsinthedarkness]

Hi
i I think I accidentally hijaked someone’s thread in relationships, I’m new sorry x
I’ll keep it shorter.

1. 34 year old terrible marriage
2. DA forever
3. Two beautiful grown up daughters who deserved far better than they suffered and my 3 perfect grandsons ( only not 1 to keep it in order!)
4. Alcohol and drug dependent
5. Got us in tens and tens of thousand s
6. and never bothered with saving. Ever.
7. My girls and I all developed complex mental health issues. Was a Midwife but had to take early retirement when I was diagnosed with Bipolat
8. He neither knows nor cares
9. We love him all the same but I think it’s slowly sinking in that he is a prick
10. and I was asking for advice, I know what I would say to someone else but it’s me.
11. appreciated, I’m sure the original was too long anyway x

Just another one cheering you along, you’re doing great. And also, even though they’re adults, you’re doing a wonderful thing for your daughters by doing this.

Well done 💕 This is probably the hardest thing you’ll ever do and you’ve done it! Onwards and upwards, I really hope you get your houseboat x

Well done @34yearsinthedarkness 👏🏻

Keep imagining all those wonderful possibilities now you are in control of your future. Good luck and keep posting for support.

I want you to imagine being very old and frail, in pain, very old and then imagine all of that with him bullying, shouting and making your life a total, total misery. That is your future if you stay. A living hell.

The part with him being nice is just a stage in the abuse op. Nothing more, and just crumbs of hope you might be loved and enjoy a happy life, but it is false and an illusion. Please look at this ⬇️

www.verywellhealth.com/cycle-of-abuse-5210940

You’ve done the hardest bit. Now live your life.

Your daughters are going to be overjoyed! You have just modelled to them that it is possible to leave, to find the strength. Well done

You might feel you’ve escaped but have to go back, you don’t! You only have one life, you spent years walking on eggshells, bending to his will, it’s time you put yourself first.

I really appreciate your support everyone. I left in what I’m wearing and threw a couple of random useless things in my bag. I have no money in the bank anyway and only a sporadic part time job I can’t get to because even though the cars in my name he pays for it so I left it at home with everything I own. My wedding ring was my grandmothers and he pawned it and my late fathers silver fob watch both mean an immense amount but I don’t have the paperwork he won’t get them out and I don’t even have money for food. I went for a walk earlier and I thought omg I’m homeless and penniless and it never crossed my mind I’d be in this situation-
still made the right choice though although now the adrenaline has gone I’m scared shitless!!!!

OP you are so brave, well done...don't worry about money etc just now...the DA charity will help you sort all that out.

You are safe, and a happy future awaits

Put it thus way op, a few year back I had this mad notion to sell up and travel more and, I've finally, the last 6 months or so, properly got it underway. Only to find a lump, in my side. It's big. The doctor looked scared. I've been referred for tests.

But I've had an 6 months. I'm hoping I've got at least another year of health left as there's so much more I want to see and do. I wish I'd thrown myself into what I wanted more and even sooner. I was right to trust my gut and move on it.

At least if it bumps me off I can say I was bold and went for what I wanted.

That's what life should be. Being bold and doing what makes us happy. Because next year isn't a guarantee. Next month isn't a guarantee. Tomorrow isn't a guarantee.

Don't waste another minute with people who aren't nice people. Or telling yourself you 'cant'. Or making yourself small. Stop existing and start living.

Oops apologies, thats moved fast. And so have you :) I'm so happy you got out op. I'm sure it'll be tough at first but, freedom is priceless! Good on you. And best wishes for your new adventure.

How are you doing @34yearsinthedarkness ?

You cam love him from a safe distance, you know..

Have you ever sat down with a solicitor to talk about the nuts and bolts of divorce?

OP Well done 👏🏼👏🏼 the first step is the hardest & you have already taken that in leaps and bounds.

i don’t know you but i am so proud of you and wish i could give you a big hug and tell you that the first day of living your best life begins today.

Ive not experienced what you have gone through as I have been married to the most amazing man for 30 years this year but I have witnessed it with my father & that affected me as I became the one to protect my mother and calm him down not my brothers as that would have become more confrontational for a boy to be standing up to his father.

As I’ve gotten older I have told him his behaviour is unacceptable and I won’t allow him to mistreat my mother and my mother has found her voice.

Even my children put a stop to him when he starts complaining and shouting. He has seen that the family will support my mother and not him which has made him change his ways.

Unfortunately he knew no better & that is no excuse to say but when your parents are illiterate and come from very traditional homes they see a slap as normal as their authority to control.

It’s completely fucked up I know.

Other posters are right it’s not going to be easy but for the first time in a very long time you will have peace and quiet. To just be able to sit there and watch the world go by.

Do ask the charity about getting counselling and discuss with them about getting the Police to accompany you to the house to get some of your things unless it would be easier for one of your girls to go? Why should you go without….

Could you & your daughter not move into a place together? I think it would help you both financially living together and you will get emotional support. You are about to step onto the biggest rollercoaster yet and you need your girls.

He is going to become very emotionally manipulative as it dawns on him that you did leave him and wait for the realisation that he will be getting old all by himself with no one there to care for him. He will most likely promise all sorts just to get you back but you know it will be all false promises.

Once again OP WELL DONE!!!

Sorry I didn’t pick these up, yesterday afternoon was a bad time of fear and loneliness- sat in a nice hotel room is shit when you’re totally alone with your thoughts
in the rend I went to a nearby beautiful church and sat there for a long time. I do have faith so I prayed a lot and lit candles for my late parents and friend.
i actually was t holding out much hope but I had a much better late afternoon and evening and although I have no money and a pot noodle to my name, and the Samaritans I got through the rest of the day feeling less scared and I did sleep better.
Seeing my daughter today and she’s bringing shopping and lending me money, bless her, although she struggles herself. I’m really looking forward to seeing her, we are v close but I’m trying to keep her out of it.
tommorow I will call the DAcharity case worker for help with finding temporary accommodation and it will be amazing to have people to talk to who are also going through similar.
i feel like if I can get through this alone as I have, I can tackle anything. I still cry that it came to this, not for my husband as he didn’t care how I felt for decades.
I wasn’t ready to leave before, but now I have, there’s no going back, I owe it to myself and your support has been pivotal x

I’m so sorry you have health concerns OP, I pray you will have years to go to follow your dreams - thank you for your advice, I appreciate it v much, sending love x

Good morning OP. I've just read through the post. I'm.sending you.my best wishes. Please keep us all posted. Take care.

I can’t live with my daughter and grandson as they live in a housing association flat they love and there’s no room. and I think we might fall out big style as although close we are similar Borderliners and argue a lot!
She also has her 15 yr old to think about- she finally got her beautiful new build flat and at 31 needs to live her own life.
that said she will help me like she is today, I just can’t over burden her as she strut with her mental health and can’t deal with her mums shit as well as her own.
my husband thinks I’m staying with her as I have before for a couple of days before. When he realises I’m not and doesn’t know where I am, that’s when he’ll try to take back control and after initially being upset he’ll return to type and character assassinate me to others as he used to do to do so close to my Face id feel his spit on my face.
not anymore though, and he chose to ignore my recent warnings, I said I’d give it 6 months and he couldn’t do it.
now he can fret away and I never have to see his bulging or screwed up eyes again or hear his cowardly bullshit again!
feels empowering!

I never have to see his bulging or screwed up eyes again

You need a fridge magnet with that on 😉 Keep going, one foot in front of the other. It will be tough at times, you will have dark clouds following you, but the other side will be so much better

I’m really really struggling today and this is when I always go back- except this is the only time I really meant it.
Feel like I’m falling at the first hurdle, I really really miss him

Sending hugs 🩷

Remember you don't miss him, you miss the man he used to be and the man you think he can be.
But he can't be the man you want him to be.

You miss normality and you miss your home but in time you will have a new normal and a new home.

Did you meet with a DA worker yesterday?

Are there any meet up groups who meet for coffee that you could join?

I haven’t read the whole thread but you have absolutely done the right thing.

The DA charities do such a brilliant job at getting survivors like you back on their feet…. Lean on them. They have a lot of resources that will help you. You are not as stuck as you think you are.

Concentrate on the horizon of freedom. There will be sh*t along the way, but don’t let that derail you.

Once you are truly free, get the dog. Get the flat. Get the life you’ve always wanted.

wow what an amazing woman you are! You are stronger than you think. You are a woman who has delivered babies - new lives into the world. How amazing to do that. Now you are having your rebirth into a new life of freedom. I know it's scary. I know you miss the normality of being at home its what you are used to - but he is there you dont miss him...

It's not the same I know, but I was terrified starting out in a new home after my marriage ended suddenly. I was quite terrified. I'd never been on my own before. It was hard at first, but then I found it liberating. I think you will too. Keep that dream going of living on a house boat with a little dog. (I knew someone who lived on a houseboat, it was absolutely stunning). Keep that dream alive.

You’re missing your home, your routine but not your H, the adrenaline of leaving is wearing away and you, with the future seeming uncertain, are having doubts.
This is the time you knuckle down, remind yourself of the future you deserve and write down if necessary or reread posts you’ve put on MN all the abuse you’ve endured through the years.
Lean on DA, get in touch with Women’s Aid for help and support, they might be able to help you declare yourself homeless to the council. Have you friends nearby? Reach out to them for support.
You can do this this @34yearsinthedarkness