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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need help

82 replies

Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 22:34

I’ve been in a relationship 5 years on and off at times throughout, I know it isn’t right and I know I need to leave but I’m massively struggling with it.

I have 2 children 17, 10 (10 yo has ASD) we have a 3 yo together also on the pathway to ASD diagnosis so as you can imagine times are tough for me. My previous marriage ended due to DV and now I just feel like a huge failure for another failed relationship

I haven’t told anyone apart from my closest friend today who told me to leave.

basically he doesn’t help out at all at home comes home from work sits on phone watching tik tok all night, he never does household jobs everything is on me solely, he keeps all of his wages to himself gives me £150 a week to top up what I get in CM from ex, CB and my Sons DLA, does not go far I pay all the bills! Luckily my house is my house my mother gifted it to me only, so this isn’t an issue no mortgage rent etc but obviously all other bills included with running a house are all on me alone.

what’s difficult is he is buying himself designer trainers, tops etc £1k+ another 2 pairs of trainers for himself this month alone, gym clothes etc.
I haven’t bought myself a thing in forever every penny goes on my children it’s obviously caused a lot of resentment on my part and feels really unfair.

he’s definitely controlling, he can go to the gym every morning before work, weekends too I’m not allowed at all, in fact I’m petrified to tell him I’m going to the local shopping centre with my son because I’ll get silent treatment off him for this alone!

I have major trust issues due to cheating EXH
and I’ve been really paranoid he’s cheating with someone at the gym as apparently he’s too tired to even have a conversation with me in an evening due to work but never missed a 5.45am gym trip, this with all the new gym clothes has only added fuel to my feelings which I understand are my issues and I need to address them myself but things blew up this week as I brought up again why I’m not allowed to the gym but he is and accused him of cheating. He says for his mental health but what about mine, I have no breaks at all, ex doesn’t have any contact with children and current partner never does anything with the children to give me a break EVER

I’m told im nothing, I have nothing going for me, I’d be nothing without him and his generous £150 a week, called a rat numerous times over the years more so the past few months numerous other things.

I do feel worthless, I feel empty, alone with nothing

writing this down it’s no wonder I need this to end but why am I finding it so hard, I’ve been in tears all weekend, I feel like a failure, how will I cope alone which is ridiculous because I do everything alone now.

please can anyone help me or just reassure me

he messaged today saying cancel the summer holiday we had planned, we’re done and I’m in bits about it even though I know he’s absolutely controlling, emotionally abusive etc

please help

OP posts:
Silvertulips · 26/05/2025 22:40

What do you think you’ll be losing here?

He’s useless, once he’s gone, others will step up and help.

Your friends and family will know you are a shadow of your former self and they will support you. They are waiting for you to wake up.

Your kids will be happier without him around.

Your self confidence will improve.

Contact woman’s aid -

Dont delay a sort yourself out and get rid of him, he adds nothing to your life.

xmasdealhunter · 26/05/2025 22:42

He sounds awful, OP, I'm glad you've realised you need to leave x

Do you work/ have an income? You'll want to look into legal advice surrounding a divorce. Lots of solicitors offer a free consultation call, such as Divorce solicitors: free consultation | Weightmans, and this website is very useful in getting your head around things . UK's most visited website for free divorce advice

Women's aid will be able to help, so please do get into contact with them Home - Women's Aid

Catoo · 26/05/2025 22:43

He sounds foul OP.

Do you feel better to have said it out loud to a friend and to have written it on here?

I would leave anyone who called me a rat for starters. Then all the other things, what stops you breaking it off?

If he moves out will you be able to manage financially?

You should be relieved not to go on a summer holiday with him. But you could go without him if it’s all paid for? Maybe take your friend?

Start making plans to separate. Given it’s your home and you managed without him before, I think you’re going to be fine. And immediately more happy.

Do you have a good support network? Could you reach out more more to friends /family for support with DC?

💐

Tooty78 · 26/05/2025 22:45

You are not worthless or alone, the MN community will be along shortly with the best advice.
What you have is not a partner, he's a cocklodger, the lowest type of 'man'.

Original poster
Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 22:47

Thank you for the kind replies, I genuinely do realise he adds nothing to my life and I’d be fine without put him I suppose it’s just the doing it that’s hard.

we’re not married, I don’t really have support no I have a close friend few friends from toddler groups etc but I am very alone, no close family
my close friend is great though she is 100% supportive always there always saying what I need to be told.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 22:49

I know he’s the reason I feel like this and as if I’m nothing and worthless etc it’s everything he’s done over the years that has completely took away everything from me

OP posts:
BountifulPantry · 26/05/2025 22:55

Well the good news is you aren’t married and it’s your house. Relatively simple practically speaking to get rid. If he gets agressive in this process just call the police straight away.

Emotionally, it’s going to be harder. Do you have relatives who could help support you get him out?

Original poster
Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 22:58

Catoo · 26/05/2025 22:43

He sounds foul OP.

Do you feel better to have said it out loud to a friend and to have written it on here?

I would leave anyone who called me a rat for starters. Then all the other things, what stops you breaking it off?

If he moves out will you be able to manage financially?

You should be relieved not to go on a summer holiday with him. But you could go without him if it’s all paid for? Maybe take your friend?

Start making plans to separate. Given it’s your home and you managed without him before, I think you’re going to be fine. And immediately more happy.

Do you have a good support network? Could you reach out more more to friends /family for support with DC?

💐

Yes I feel so much better having spoken to my friend today, I suppose that’s what’s upset me more this evening that I know what I have to do it’s just the hard part of doing it

I don’t know what stops me fear of being alone which I know is stupid because I’m doing it alone anyway and I’ve felt alone in the relationship for such a long time

I don’t work no as I have zero support with DS I have no one that could look after him before and after school due to SN, financially ill be fine with the CM I get, CB etc I can apply for UC so will actually be better off without him here and due to my amazing Mum who gifted me the house (she’s actually my gran but brought me up as her daughter due to abuse at home hence why I have no family now as I have no contact with them)
mum not counting on any help of him towards our son together as I know he will refuse!

I know my friend said today to not cancel holiday and just go alone with the children

i know I’ll be happier without him here if anything it’s like having another child to take care of

OP posts:
GreenCandleWax · 26/05/2025 23:02

Don't feel all alone with this, OP. You have lovely mumsnetters on here to give you a handhold, and see you through this. You will feel so much better when you get your "self" back - its clear he has drained you of your sense of self worth. You must be quite someone if you are bringing up two DC with ASD as well as two older DC, and you are doing this basically on your own. He is not worth hanging on to, he is not a partner to you and is simply bringing you down. if you get rid you will be a strong woman, in her own house, doing what she wants to do, when she wants. What's not to like about that. Wishing you strength to get through this, and hug. Flowers

Original poster
Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 23:03

BountifulPantry · 26/05/2025 22:55

Well the good news is you aren’t married and it’s your house. Relatively simple practically speaking to get rid. If he gets agressive in this process just call the police straight away.

Emotionally, it’s going to be harder. Do you have relatives who could help support you get him out?

No and this is what’s difficult he’s refusing to leave unless I cancel the holiday and give him back what he paid, I sold lots on vinted and paid half towards holiday we’d lose £800 if cancelled, I still want to take the children as I’ve told ds with ASD and he’s counting down the days til we go. I can’t afford to pay his half and I feel like this is just a tactic anyway like he won’t leave even if I did that!

He’s downstairs now on my sofa we’ve not spoken in days apart from the one message this morning he sent

OP posts:
Original poster
Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 23:05

GreenCandleWax · 26/05/2025 23:02

Don't feel all alone with this, OP. You have lovely mumsnetters on here to give you a handhold, and see you through this. You will feel so much better when you get your "self" back - its clear he has drained you of your sense of self worth. You must be quite someone if you are bringing up two DC with ASD as well as two older DC, and you are doing this basically on your own. He is not worth hanging on to, he is not a partner to you and is simply bringing you down. if you get rid you will be a strong woman, in her own house, doing what she wants to do, when she wants. What's not to like about that. Wishing you strength to get through this, and hug. Flowers

Thank you so much this is exactly what I need to hear.

writing it down and saying it to my friend today I know how absolutely stupid I sound like it should be easy but with how I feel about myself it feels anything but easy!

I don’t understand why I know he’s useless, emotionally abusive etc yet I’m still finding it hard

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 26/05/2025 23:07

He’s an abusive cocklodging cunt but you know that.

Please don’t be scared of being single. That’s far far better than being with this wanker. And think of your kids - they deserve better than to live in an abusive home with their mum being treated like shit by a scumbag.

Im glad you’ve got someone to talk to in RL.

If it’s your home and his name not on the deeds, he’s got no right to be there if you tell him to go.

SassiestPants · 26/05/2025 23:10

Get the police to get him out. The fucking audacity of him. You are supplementing his life while you struggle and he's demanding money from you? Text him to pack up and fuck off and if he doesn't, get the police to get him out.

xmasdealhunter · 26/05/2025 23:10

Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 23:03

No and this is what’s difficult he’s refusing to leave unless I cancel the holiday and give him back what he paid, I sold lots on vinted and paid half towards holiday we’d lose £800 if cancelled, I still want to take the children as I’ve told ds with ASD and he’s counting down the days til we go. I can’t afford to pay his half and I feel like this is just a tactic anyway like he won’t leave even if I did that!

He’s downstairs now on my sofa we’ve not spoken in days apart from the one message this morning he sent

Show quote history

You're able to call 101 and ask the police to come round and help you remove him from the house if he refuses to leave, since he has absolutely no claim to it. https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/what-are-my-legal-options-1.pdf

Original poster
Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 23:10

GreenCandleWax · 26/05/2025 23:02

Don't feel all alone with this, OP. You have lovely mumsnetters on here to give you a handhold, and see you through this. You will feel so much better when you get your "self" back - its clear he has drained you of your sense of self worth. You must be quite someone if you are bringing up two DC with ASD as well as two older DC, and you are doing this basically on your own. He is not worth hanging on to, he is not a partner to you and is simply bringing you down. if you get rid you will be a strong woman, in her own house, doing what she wants to do, when she wants. What's not to like about that. Wishing you strength to get through this, and hug. Flowers

and this is it too what you said at the end I feel like I can’t do anything I want or have to ask permission to go and get my nails done anything, I’m not even allowed to leave my house, leave him with the children to go and have a coffee with my friend!

I have no life at all and the saddest part is I’m so used to it

I know I’ll be happier making plans on a weekend going somewhere nice with the children etc and not worried what kind of mood he’s going to be in ruining anything

I’m also worried about my 3yo I’m extremely close with all my children, I’ve never been without them I know he’ll want to take him and this will break my heart especially as he is such a mummy’s boy he is never from my side, I’ll be lost without him with me

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 26/05/2025 23:12

If he refuses to leave, have the locks changed while he is out.

pack his stuff and ask him to come and get it - leave it on the doorstep.

If he makes trouble, call 999.

Original poster
Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 23:12

xmasdealhunter · 26/05/2025 23:10

You're able to call 101 and ask the police to come round and help you remove him from the house if he refuses to leave, since he has absolutely no claim to it. https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2023/12/what-are-my-legal-options-1.pdf

Show quote history

Thank you, I’m so worried about the backlash from him but I know it’s what needs to be done

OP posts:
Original poster
Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 23:14

Enrichetta · 26/05/2025 23:12

If he refuses to leave, have the locks changed while he is out.

pack his stuff and ask him to come and get it - leave it on the doorstep.

If he makes trouble, call 999.

This is what I was going to do today well put my key in the door he wouldn’t be able to unlock it then then get the locks changed but unfortunately he came home from work earlier than normal when my friend was here so I didn’t get chance

OP posts:
midlandsmummy123 · 26/05/2025 23:15

You've said he does nothing at home, do you really think he's going to want to suddenly become a full time single parent of a 3 year old? I don't think you have to worry about that, are you scared of him? do you know about coercive control and emotional abuse? because it sounds like that's what you are going through. Women's aid will help - as will the lovely posters on mumsnet.

TwistedWonder · 26/05/2025 23:15

He can’t take your son. He can go to court to apply for shared custody but he can’t just decide he wants your son without your agreement.

Original poster
Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 23:17

TwistedWonder · 26/05/2025 23:15

He can’t take your son. He can go to court to apply for shared custody but he can’t just decide he wants your son without your agreement.

No I know he won’t take him but he’ll be all over being the devoted dad for a while and want him every weekend and while I know this is something I will have to get used to it does worry me, 3yo ds is on the ASD pathway and very close to me I can’t imagine how stressed he will be without me with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 23:20

midlandsmummy123 · 26/05/2025 23:15

You've said he does nothing at home, do you really think he's going to want to suddenly become a full time single parent of a 3 year old? I don't think you have to worry about that, are you scared of him? do you know about coercive control and emotional abuse? because it sounds like that's what you are going through. Women's aid will help - as will the lovely posters on mumsnet.

I am scared of him yes, he’s never been abusive physically but this is obviously a worry of mine due to previous marriage
My friend has said he’s emotionally & financially abusing me I know he’s controlling, I know he’s turned me into this scared woman who feels worthless, unable to be alone etc

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 26/05/2025 23:20

Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 23:17

No I know he won’t take him but he’ll be all over being the devoted dad for a while and want him every weekend and while I know this is something I will have to get used to it does worry me, 3yo ds is on the ASD pathway and very close to me I can’t imagine how stressed he will be without me with him

Show quote history

You don’t have to agree to every weekend. Every other weekend is reasonable and he can go to court if he wants more

GreenCandleWax · 26/05/2025 23:21

Hope all is well tonight, OP. Will check in tomorrow with that handhold. Take care.

Original poster
Peanut87 · 26/05/2025 23:22

TwistedWonder · 26/05/2025 23:20

You don’t have to agree to every weekend. Every other weekend is reasonable and he can go to court if he wants more

Show quote history

This is reassuring thank you, the type of person he is anyway I know it won’t last and he’ll struggle with him alone he won’t even change a nappy fgs!
this is what worries me with leaving ds with him

OP posts: