I need help

[Peanut87]

I’ve been in a relationship 5 years on and off at times throughout, I know it isn’t right and I know I need to leave but I’m massively struggling with it.

I have 2 children 17, 10 (10 yo has ASD) we have a 3 yo together also on the pathway to ASD diagnosis so as you can imagine times are tough for me. My previous marriage ended due to DV and now I just feel like a huge failure for another failed relationship

I haven’t told anyone apart from my closest friend today who told me to leave.

basically he doesn’t help out at all at home comes home from work sits on phone watching tik tok all night, he never does household jobs everything is on me solely, he keeps all of his wages to himself gives me £150 a week to top up what I get in CM from ex, CB and my Sons DLA, does not go far I pay all the bills! Luckily my house is my house my mother gifted it to me only, so this isn’t an issue no mortgage rent etc but obviously all other bills included with running a house are all on me alone.

what’s difficult is he is buying himself designer trainers, tops etc £1k+ another 2 pairs of trainers for himself this month alone, gym clothes etc.
I haven’t bought myself a thing in forever every penny goes on my children it’s obviously caused a lot of resentment on my part and feels really unfair.

he’s definitely controlling, he can go to the gym every morning before work, weekends too I’m not allowed at all, in fact I’m petrified to tell him I’m going to the local shopping centre with my son because I’ll get silent treatment off him for this alone!

I have major trust issues due to cheating EXH
and I’ve been really paranoid he’s cheating with someone at the gym as apparently he’s too tired to even have a conversation with me in an evening due to work but never missed a 5.45am gym trip, this with all the new gym clothes has only added fuel to my feelings which I understand are my issues and I need to address them myself but things blew up this week as I brought up again why I’m not allowed to the gym but he is and accused him of cheating. He says for his mental health but what about mine, I have no breaks at all, ex doesn’t have any contact with children and current partner never does anything with the children to give me a break EVER

I’m told im nothing, I have nothing going for me, I’d be nothing without him and his generous £150 a week, called a rat numerous times over the years more so the past few months numerous other things.

I do feel worthless, I feel empty, alone with nothing

writing this down it’s no wonder I need this to end but why am I finding it so hard, I’ve been in tears all weekend, I feel like a failure, how will I cope alone which is ridiculous because I do everything alone now.

please can anyone help me or just reassure me

he messaged today saying cancel the summer holiday we had planned, we’re done and I’m in bits about it even though I know he’s absolutely controlling, emotionally abusive etc

please help

Thank you, he’ll be out early for the gym then work and I always feel more relaxed when he isn’t here, it’s when he’s coming back I get extremely anxious, I was shaking when he walked in today.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support this is actually really helping me. I wish I would have done this and opened up months ago

You've done really well opening up. If you're frightened of his reaction it's all the more reason to call the police to help you move him out- he can't do anything whilst they're there and they can be the ones to deal with him x

Hi OP, you've had some really good replies tonight. I was in similar position 10 years ago and reached out on here. It gave me the strength to research and finally leave. It didn't happen straight away I made sure I had things in place, posting here helped a lot the advice and wisdom I got was amazing.

Can you call women's aid?

Another voice wishing you all the best and offering a listening ear, @Peanut87. No practical advice, but I can feel how many people on this thread want you to break free to a better life. Stay strong and come back here to download whenever you need help.

You know it’s the right thing to do for your own mh and also your children, they must know he doesn’t do anything with them , play etc
Do you want them growing up thinking all dads are like this?
He is financially abusing you, where could you live for £150 a week ???all Inclusive ??
Nowhere 😡😡😡😡😡

Just think how relaxed you would be with him gone , dreading him coming home, you shouldn’t feel like that it’s YOUR home.
The thoughts you’re having are just thoughts !
most are NOT true.
He brings you nothing ! No happiness,
no support , no financial stability
Get him out

He doesn’t want a child round his feet, so stop worrying, it’s his threatening that’s scared you
He doesn’t pay for his up bringing now , so he’s all talk

put his clothes in a bin liner and put outside the door 10 mins before he comes home
Then put the key in the door, so he can’t get in
make sure the back door and down stairs windows are shut.
close the curtains and put tv on louder for kids to drown the shouting from him
If he causes trouble call 101
its YOUR house and you don’t want him there

You got this❤️ be brave for yourself and your kids xx

One word stood out in your original post. The word "allowed".
Who the hell does he think he is telling you (someone who is an adult and supposed to be an equal in a relationship) what you are "allowed" to do?
Kick him to the kerb.

It doesn't sound like you're married which is a blessing. Tell him to leave and go through CMS.

Call Womens Aid.
Have the police there when telling him to leave.

Thank you, this is the plan for today I slept terribly again just crying about all of this which I know is stupid, woke at a stupid time he’s left now and I’m already feeling anxious about how this is going to go.
my friends going to come round again for some support may see if she can stay when he’s due home from work in case there’s any trouble.

I know he brings nothing to our lives and I suppose I’m feeling this way because he’s made me believe I can’t live without him, which again I know is stupid!

I’m not even going to bother with CM he’s a builder and v close to his boss, he will pay him cash in hand so I can’t claim anything for our son.
He’s not given me any money for 2 weeks now so I’ll be fine, luckily I saved some on my vinted balance so this has tided me over until I get some money

I absolutely know this and this is when things blew up again, things were always fine as long as I stayed quiet and went along doing everything not speaking about the unfairness of it all how it isn’t right to be told I can’t do this or that but he can do whatever he wants.

You can live without him, in fact you can thrive without him. I understand what your saying about CM I struggled without it as my ex was a tradesmen and could manipulate his wages. But still look into at some point when you can. I'm routing for you, you will be up and down emotionally for a while but you will be free.

Thank you, it’s hard when I’ve been through a really tough time with separation from EXH and never thought I’d be in this position again, especially as 3yo’s dad saw me go though a lot of this well the end of it the divorce etc I never thought he could put me through that pain again but here I am yet again struggling.
oh i definitely will but I’m fully prepared for not getting a penny towards our son for a long while he is selfish and it’s going to be extremely difficult to co parent with him again never something I thought I’d be going through.

How are you doing today? if you have any worries about your plan to lock him out, get back-up. Womens Aid will be able to advise, and may think a police presence would be safest for you. Do you have time to ring them before he gets back? Hoping your friend is with you.

I would also change passwords on your devices in case he goes snooping and finds this discussion.

Delete your browsing history too.

Hope your friend has managed to stay today when he comes home to give you a bit of support if needed.
well he’s either kicked off or gone quietly?
or
you've changed your mind and couldn’t go through with it for whatever reason

hope your ok ❤️

He’s left, so my plan was to leave his stuff outside when he was due home lock the doors etc however he came back early I’m guessing due to the rain and being unable to work in it.
He kept telling me to cancel the holiday and he’d leave, I told him he can’t tell me what to do and he can leave now, he went upstairs for a couple of hours came back down and just walked out.

i can’t explain how I’m feeling right now obviously I know it’s the right thing but it doesn’t make this part any easier for me, I know I have to just go through it and it will soon get better but that’s so hard to see right now.

thank you for all of your support I’m still definitely going to need it so please don’t leave me.

I don’t know why I feel bad for the children he didn’t even say bye or anything to them, 10yo keeps asking for him and I’ve just said he’s at work for now it’s just breaking my heart.

I know I’ve not let them down at all and I’ll always be there for them but it’s so hard

Pack his stuff, leave it outside and send him a text to let him know it's there. If he gets aggressive then call the police.

Still here OP, with that handhold.

Well done. Be strong. You and your children deserve happiness.

Don't know if it's been said but put in your single Universal Credit claim ASAP. Also declare disabled child and carers element with Universal Credit as you will get the correct amount of money and have no obligation to find work.

Thank you, I can’t stop crying. I’m really trying to hold it together and keep it in but this is a big change and I’m allowed to feel sad even if I know it’s the best thing for us all.

me and my boys will get there and get through this