I need help

[Peanut87]

I’ve been in a relationship 5 years on and off at times throughout, I know it isn’t right and I know I need to leave but I’m massively struggling with it.

I have 2 children 17, 10 (10 yo has ASD) we have a 3 yo together also on the pathway to ASD diagnosis so as you can imagine times are tough for me. My previous marriage ended due to DV and now I just feel like a huge failure for another failed relationship

I haven’t told anyone apart from my closest friend today who told me to leave.

basically he doesn’t help out at all at home comes home from work sits on phone watching tik tok all night, he never does household jobs everything is on me solely, he keeps all of his wages to himself gives me £150 a week to top up what I get in CM from ex, CB and my Sons DLA, does not go far I pay all the bills! Luckily my house is my house my mother gifted it to me only, so this isn’t an issue no mortgage rent etc but obviously all other bills included with running a house are all on me alone.

what’s difficult is he is buying himself designer trainers, tops etc £1k+ another 2 pairs of trainers for himself this month alone, gym clothes etc.
I haven’t bought myself a thing in forever every penny goes on my children it’s obviously caused a lot of resentment on my part and feels really unfair.

he’s definitely controlling, he can go to the gym every morning before work, weekends too I’m not allowed at all, in fact I’m petrified to tell him I’m going to the local shopping centre with my son because I’ll get silent treatment off him for this alone!

I have major trust issues due to cheating EXH
and I’ve been really paranoid he’s cheating with someone at the gym as apparently he’s too tired to even have a conversation with me in an evening due to work but never missed a 5.45am gym trip, this with all the new gym clothes has only added fuel to my feelings which I understand are my issues and I need to address them myself but things blew up this week as I brought up again why I’m not allowed to the gym but he is and accused him of cheating. He says for his mental health but what about mine, I have no breaks at all, ex doesn’t have any contact with children and current partner never does anything with the children to give me a break EVER

I’m told im nothing, I have nothing going for me, I’d be nothing without him and his generous £150 a week, called a rat numerous times over the years more so the past few months numerous other things.

I do feel worthless, I feel empty, alone with nothing

writing this down it’s no wonder I need this to end but why am I finding it so hard, I’ve been in tears all weekend, I feel like a failure, how will I cope alone which is ridiculous because I do everything alone now.

please can anyone help me or just reassure me

he messaged today saying cancel the summer holiday we had planned, we’re done and I’m in bits about it even though I know he’s absolutely controlling, emotionally abusive etc

please help

He’ll be back so stay strong and don’t get reeled back in.

You’re in shock right now but just keep putting one foot in front of the other and be there for your kids.

It will get better I promise you. And post here as much as you need to - MN are here to listen.

Thank you, I’m trying my best to remain strong for my boys.

yes I will do this tonight it will give me something to focus on, our new future.

Oh I absolutely know he will I went and checked what he took after he’d left and I’d locked the door and he’s literally took 1 change of clothes, work clothes and his toothbrush so he’ll be back to claim his precious belongings at some point.

I won’t get reeled in though I absolutely know this is for the best and as hard as I’m finding it right now, I know this is a temporary feeling.

thank you, I hope the better comes soon as this is such an awful feeling

You can't be responsible for him as a parent as well as for yourself. He is not a good enough parent, which is so sad for your DC, but he wouldn't be any better if he was still under your roof. Let's see what he does about seeing your youngest after he has been out of the house for a while. I hope he wants to see DC but its not guaranteed.
In the meantime you are giving your other DC a better example than being a woman at the beck and call of a miserable feckless bloke. Hang in there. Mumsnetters are supporting you. 🌺🌸🌷

You’re absolutely right it takes a heartless human being to leave without saying anything to the children and he should be ashamed but he won’t be.
Yes I don’t want my older dc to see me being treated that way anymore, although I’m upset right now which is understandable for such a big life changing situation happening, I do feel lighter and more relaxed at home so this is good

I know I’ll struggle to sleep tonight and really should try to eat something as I haven’t had a thing all day with the nerves but at least the hardest part is over now

Handhold from me too @Peanut87

I left my abusive husband in 1989. It was the most terrifying thing at the time, but I ended up feeling so much peace. It was wonderful.

Don't back down. And don't worry about the nitty gritty at the moment.

Things have a way of working themselves out.

Just to add to all the great advice here, and this is important for you to hear. You haven't failed, he has. You've continued to raise your children, deal with financial hardship and still give what they need emotionally and physically despite having this failure of a man hanging around your neck like a millstone. You're a success. He's a loser.

Thank you
that was really nice to hear when I’m feeling like this

I can’t thank you all enough for the support & strength you have given me

Thank you for the positive stories that bring so much hope to me right now when I need it the most

Yes it’s so hard not to think of what’s happening next etc but what an earlier poster said just take it one step at a time is what I need to remember.
easier said than done but I will try to keep this in mind going forward.

our first night alone and although I’m feeling emotional and still haven’t managed to eat anything, I feel some sense of calm youngest ds is snuggled up to me we’re watching the wild robot together after he had a late afternoon nap, I don’t mind though it’s quite nice to not be alone in my thoughts. 10yo didn’t want to join us he likes his own space and bedroom too much so he’s playing Minecraft and eldest has been such a huge help with both the younger boys I’m so unbelievably proud of him.

You will come out of this much happier. Over the years there have been so many similar stories of women and separations and inevitably they are all happier in the end. You deserve better.

Hope you are doing okay this evening OP.
Just a word of advice in case he does come to collect more things, hide (or even give to your friend to look after) all yours and your childrens passports, birth certificates and any other important documents!! As well as any cash in the house, just in case he has time to think of a way to control you further by withholding these items. 💐

Excellent advice I would have never have even thought of this but it’s definitely something he would do, I will either give them to my friend tomorrow if I see her or hide them somewhere he will never look.
Thank you I’m feeling very emotional but some sense of calm with him gone

Well done OP. Hope you get something to eat and have a good deep sleep tonight. .
You have a lot to be proud of. We are still here.

Hi @Peanut87 how are you today?

Tomorrow get his things together in a black Plastic bag (thrown in 😀) ready because he will show his face. He will think you can’t live without him and you will crumble without him
stat strong, get your self esteem back up and things will look up

Do not give him the money for the holiday , he owes you more than what he’s give you for holiday, plus he can’t make you 😀
just like you couldn’t make him give you the last 2 weeks money he owes you!

If you can’t face food at moment (normal in situation) try banana, toast, rice pudding pots
you got this 👍

Hi OP, I hope you've managed to get some sleep and eat something. You've done an incredibly brave thing. Things may ramp up a bit or you may have some eerie silence. I used to have nightmares that my ex was sat at the end of my bed watching me sleep. Focus on you and your children and the future you want. I now look back and realise that emotions and situations were like waves or sometimes tsunamis but I always managed to come up for a gasp of air. Freedom and ownership of yourself when you leave a controlling relationship feels unnatural it takes time. I'm so very proud of you.

Hello, I’ve tried to be a little more positive today and actually got dressed and left the house, No judgement please the weather has been awful here and I’ve been in no fit state to leave the house since Sunday. Had some messages from ex but have ignored them and focused all of the energy I have left on my DC.
we only went to the shops and for a little walk at the local park but it was nice to get out for a while.

actually slept so much better last night managed a piece of toast.

sorry thought I’d posted this yesterday but clearly didn’t click on post and my friend came round for a couple of visits so that kept my mind of it all and kept me busy.

my sadness kind of shifted to anger yesterday and I felt so much lighter and happier after a tough few days this was very welcome! I’m fully aware that this will change though and I’m going to feel sad some days but yesterday was much better.

managed to eat a little and sleep well again so that’s good, have ignored many messages of him.

Hurray. The trash has taken itself out so you don't have to. Consider this a vast improvement to your life.
This is your opportunity to start living.
Plase don't have any more relationships before your children have grown up. Get some counselling, find out why you make poor choices.
Get a consent order during the divorce so he can't come back later on and claim your money or house.
You will .manage just fine.
Be aware of predators. There are loads of men out there looking to live with single mums so they can be looked after. Don't let anyone move in to your home, it's for you and the kids only.
You will be fine.

Well done peanut, what an inspiration you are to your children

I also left an abusive relationship, it's bloody hard isn't it. They destroy you to such an extent that you question every thought and action, even though you know you're doing the right thing.

If it helps at all, we're 20 plus years on from where you are today. On mother's day this year, I had a message from one DC, now an adult, which brought me to tears.

They said how hard it must have been to leave, but what an amazing, courageous thing it was to do and how much they appreciated the wonderful life they've had away from their abusive father. Most of all they wanted to say 'thank you' for my bravery.

I've not posted that to show off, but just to show that although we fear the effects of leaving on our children, we mustn't. It's the right thing to do.

This will be you in years to come.

Well done for getting him out.

Please change your locks. He will be back. Because he will be realising what a good ticket he was on and how much more expensive life will be for him once he stops sofa surfing.

Have you packed his things up?
Have them ready to leave outside when he asks for them so he doesn’t try to let himself into the house. Make sure friends are there when he collects.

You’ll feel so much better soon once you realise how much he was oppressing you.
💐

Hooray! Well done. I know it's early days but you sound so much stronger and more free already. Your kids sound amazing too
Keep going, one foot in front of the other moving forward to a better life. There will be harder days and easier days but you can do it! We are cheering you on

Do you think he understands that it’s over for you and he’s not welcome back in your house? It sounds like he may have walked as that’s his threat to get you to cancel the holiday. There’s no way he will want to give up the lifestyle he is currently enjoying at your house. Free rent. £150 all in. And you do all the house work etc. He won’t want to give that up OP…

Well done @Peanut87 you're on the right track.

@Peanut87 glad you're okay.