You must be in shock! Why he couldn't have mentioned something before now I don't know. And what if you hadn't asked him outright, would he have just dragged on?
A friend shared this with me once and whilst it doesn't dictate my behaviour, I've found it a useful reference point.
"Many of the biggest decisions you’ll face in life involve other people.
Will you be in a committed romantic relationship with me?
Do you want to have kids?
Will you give me a promotion within six months?
What these decisions have in common are two-fold:
Your decision has high stakes;
Your decision depends on someone else’s decision.
At first glance, these decisions seem like binary decisions.
Example 1:
Let’s say you’ve been dating someone for a few months now. You want a more serious relationship. You have a relationship conversation with your dating partner to see where they stand.
You want a relationship and you want to know if they want one too. You ask them “yes” or “no” questions… and instead of hearing “yes” or “no,” you hear back “possibly someday.”
If they had said “yes,” you’d progress to a more committed relationship. If they had said “no,” you would part ways and see other people. But you don’t get either answer, you get something in between… so, now what?
Example 2:
If you’re in a long-term romantic relationship with someone, it’s useful to know if the other person wants to have children or not.
Two people who have different answers to that question are going to have a structural obstacle to having a mutually satisfying relationship.
Imagine that you’ve been in a long-term relationship with your partner. You’re deciding whether you want this to be a lifetime relationship.
One of your key needs is to have children. You ask your partner if they do. You expect to hear a “yes” or a “no.” Instead, you hear an “I’m not sure yet” or “I’m still thinking about it.”
If the other person said “yes,” you’d be thrilled to be in a more serious committed relationship involving parenthood. If the other person says “no,” you’d move on. What you hear in return is neither answer. What do you do?
Example 3:
You’ve been working for a company for four years. You feel you’ve done the work to earn a promotion. You’re a little frustrated that you haven’t been granted one yet. You ask your boss a simple “yes” or “no” question: “Will you be able to grant me a promotion within the next six months?”
The answer you get back is “Maybe, we’ll have to see how the budget looks for the next fiscal year.”
If your boss said “yes,” you’d stay six months and get the job you wanted. If your boss says “no,” then you’d be inclined to work on updating your resume. You don’t get either answer. You’re told it depends…
What these situations all have in common is that the other person responds with an answer that includes uncertainty. Maybe the other person will want to be in a more committed relationship… will want to have kids… will promote you… or maybe not.
What often happens in these situations is the person making the strategic life decision ends up waiting to get clarity from the other person. They haven’t said “no.” But they also haven’t said “yes” either.
I propose a different way of looking at this situation.
When assessing the other person’s response, don’t look for a “yes” or “no” response.
Instead, look for a “yes” or “not ‘yes.'”
You: Do you want to have kids with me?
Them: Maybe. (“Maybe” = “Not yes”)
You: Do you want to be in a committed romantic relationship with me?
Them: Let’s see where things go. (“Let’s see where things go” = “Not yes”)
You: Will you give me a promotion within six months?
Them: Let’s see how the budget looks the next fiscal year. (“Let’s see how the budget looks for the next fiscal year” = “Not yes”)
In other words, the other person answers “yes” or “not yes.”
This means:
“Maybe” = “Not yes”
“Let’s wait and see” = “Not yes”
“Possibly” = “Not yes”
“I’m not sure yet” = “Not yes”
Declining to answer the question = Not yes
Changing the subject = Not yes
The key insight is this: “Not yes” is an answer. It means they are… well… not saying “yes.”
You don’t want to use this decision-making approach for every situation. However, for some high stake decisions, the “yes” vs. “not yes” approach is a more useful, proactive way to make certain types of decisions."