Has anyone ever come back from a similar situation to this?

[ThisPoisedGoldGuide]

Married 10 years, together 20, from our early 20s.

2 kids aged 6 and 4. Separate bedrooms for the last couple of years, due to his snoring and kids being constantly in and out of our bed. Since the kids have been born it's been a bit 'ships in the night'. Sex very rare, especially in the last 2 years. It's become a bit awkward physically- little to no affection unless I force it.

I suppose I didn't worry too much in the early years of the kids, thinking it was just a phase every couple goes through. In the last year I've felt a bit more myself and I suppose have noticed the relationship dying and I've realised in comparison to friends relationships etc that we are lacking and that it can't all just be pinned on kids.

I've been making an effort to suggest things we could do together etc/projects we need to do around the house and he's just been so miserable about everything. Booking a holiday etc, just met with constant shoulder shrugging to the point where I've thought f**k it, the burden of planning etc all falls to me so I'm not going to organise it all just to drag him along behind me. I said to a friend the other week that I am the driving force of the whole family and it feels like I'm just dragging him through life sometimes.

After another day of him being miserable and non responsive to everything today, I asked outright 'do you want to split up?'. And he blurts out he doesn't know, he's been feeling like it's been over for ages, he feels guilty because he can see I've been making an effort and he knows he's been rejecting me and being a misery. Says he's been feeling like this for a year and a half or so. Swears blind there is nobody else, I think I believe him but I'm not 100% (learned that from here!). Says we are just flatmates, have nothing in common any more and he doesn't know if he loves me in that way any more. In some ways I shouldn't be surprised because I've obviously known things weren't right but him saying it still feels like a bolt from the blue and I'm obviously feeling hurt and rejected. I've asked him if he thinks he is generally depressed or whether it's the relationship (lack of) that's making him depressed.

I've said I would be willing to give it a go if he is, he says he's not sure. I said being unsure isn't really an option, I'm certainly not going to be hanging about while he makes his mind up. I've told him he either commits to trying, maybe look at counselling etc, or he moves into his mums house ASAP. She's 5mins away so would be easy in terms of maintaining contact with the kids and their routine etc.

I feel embarrassed at the thought of telling anyone in real life. I know I shouldn't, I have amazing friends and family, and in laws to be fair. I know in the event of a divorce that I'm the stronger person, I will survive and he will struggle. I will be worse off financially of course, but that can always be managed one way or another. If he had 50% custody he would struggle to cope/the kids would have a shit time just watching tv/being on ipads.

I don't know really, just wanted to write it all down and not quite feeling strong enough to tell anyone in real life right now.

He said in the first counselling that his feelings have changed, he doesn't know if he loves me 'in that way' any more and he feels like we are more like flatmates- I don't disagree with the last bit, but I was astounded he didn't try and reconnect at that point before mentally giving up on the marriage. The counsellor has identified communication as the biggest issue and in particular him not communicating and stewing on things and building them up in his head rather than talking things through. Also me not picking up on things he has tried to communicate- because I'm naturally preoccupied with work, family, house etc (especially while he hasn't been as present as he should have been). He is consistently saying, in counselling and to me at home, that he is committed to working on things and hoping we can get back on track. But obviously there's no guarantees.

I think I need to continue doing my part in working on the relationship but ultimately focus on myself and keeping myself as well as possible mentally. I need to try and keep going but accept that I'm not in control of this situation and can't be in control of it, which is so madly anxiety inducing for me.

I do hope you manage it.

@ThisPoisedGoldGuide I think you just have to believe what is meant for you will happen. You are right that the best thing to do is work on you — so whatever the outcome you will be ok. Being a thoughtful, kind and loving person with good boundaries and communication isn’t for him— it’s for you. And if he doesn’t appreciate it and can’t find that ‘love’ then that’s on him. Keep investing in yourself and be open to reconnecting but it’s a 50/50 effort. It’s not up to you to make him love you. Love is a verb as well as a noun. If he wants to ‘love’ you he needs to be loving.

Thanks for the replies- it honestly is helpful for me just writing it all out on here. Friends have been amazing, I've been leaning on them heavily. Family too, but feel I can't always be so honest with them as they are obviously very angry with him.

OP, your situation sound so similar to mine. But mine started last November. We’ve had couples counselling (via Relate) and are currently doing separate individual counselling to untangle issues we each have from childhood. It’s not easy. He now tells me that he loves me, but can I believe that? As you say, you can never un-hear him telling you he’s not sure if he loves you. And my DH has yet to give me evidence that I can believe him. I’m the emotional side of our relationship. The communicator. That’s how I like it but he’s allowed me to take all of that on and simply coast alongside me.

i’m naively believing that we’ll make it through. Because he’s a good man and I love him. And I’m too old to separate and have any hope of a long term relationship through my retirement years. I’d rather be with him than alone. That’s what I’m clinging to.

you’re much braver than me. Less of a coward. I respect you and hope life works out the way you want it.

@Gazelda this resonates so strongly 'he’s allowed me to take all of that on and simply coast alongside me'. Sadly it seems to be a common situation is too. Thank you for replying, I hope things work out for you too.

Well, I'm back with the (probably inevitable) update that after limping along for a few more weeks after my last post in August, I told him I wanted to separate at the end of September and he moved out at the end of October (we had a few family occasions to get through and half term seemed like the best time to tell the kids).

Telling the kids was genuinely horrific, screaming, crying, seemed to go on forever. They've adapted well to the new routine of going there 2 nights a week, although there has been a few tearful moments at school drop offs where they realise they won't see me again for a few days and lots of worries questions about potential future step parents and living arrangements etc.

I've been doing really well but then had a bit of a crash this last fortnight. I was on such a high getting him and all his shite out of the house, also had been manically clearing out the loft/garage/cupboards in the week leading up to him going. Then once the dust settled it's just the realisation that the whole divorce process could take ages. Not knowing what's going to happen with the house etc, anxiety about work and how I'm going to manage financially. And obviously the emotional side of wasting my entire adult life for someone who's never really made me feel special or loved (or at least not for a long, long time). The feeling that he has trapped me into family life and then discarded me when it all got too much. People keep telling me he will regret it but I know he won't- his current set up of living at his parents getting all his washing done and meals cooked, doing all his hobbies and watching tv uninterrupted all night will suit him down to the ground. Then a bit of performative dadding twice a week.

He swore he would pay 50% of all the household bills and then the CM on top of that, while he is living rent free with his parents. However, he quickly changed his tune on that and is now giving me £250 less than agreed. He said its too much to give me 60%+ of his wages. He has about £600 more just for himself than I have for me and the 2 kids. It's just all so disappointing and degrading. I've applied for UC and hopefully will receive some help the first week in December.

I've just sat re-read this thread and feel really sad for myself that I didn't just let him go back in May, can't help thinking how much better I'd be feeling by now if I had! But no point dwelling. I'll be fine, friends and family are being amazing. Just need to take it one day at a time and avoid obsessing about te future as that's when I start to spiral. Got a really good solicitor, had my free 30mins with her a few weeks back and paid deposit now so have our first meeting on Friday to get things moving on that front.

PS. He told me he booked a trip to Japan with his mate the day before he told me he couldn't afford to pay me what we agreed

He’s a selfish twonk.

I’m so sorry OP. What a bastard. His mother must surely be mortified!

I’m sorry you are going through this, but you do sound very strong and pragmatic so I’m sure in time you’ll see it was the best thing to do. Be prepared for the new him though.. new woman, new clothes etc. Sounds like the Japan trip is the start of it.

In your shoes I would have a sensible conversation (give yourselves time away from the house if you can) and be honest and don't try to attribute blame. I would ask that he moved to his mum's for say two months to take the pressure off. During that time have regular chats and with that time work out whether you both want it to work or whether you need to separate.

Thanks but we've already separated, I'm just updating the thread 👍

So sorry, I got all of the dates confused. Sorry to hear it all went downhill. I hope you're doing ok and you will feel better and stronger once everything is sorted x

What an absolute tosser. You deserve so much better. Good luck with your divorce. It will get better.

I’ve only just found your thread and, heavens, you have been through a lot. I have read I’m sure hundreds of posts like yours on MN and I could tell from your very first that 1) you had too much life and energy for him and 2) you would be just fine without him.

Have you told his parents about your issues with the finances? Do they know he is keeping more for himself than you have for yourself and your DC? I would tell them if they don’t know. I’ve never been one to see the point in protecting bad behaviour by keeping it secret and would be the type to mention it to mutual friends so everyone knows. If he wants to behave badly he should do so in the full glare of the spotlight.

Thank you for saying that, I absolutely do have too much life and energy for him. I'm mainly upset for myself and for enabling and putting up with him just being a passenger.

Have you looked at what you’d get if you went through the CSA? Either way, I hope you get a decent settlement in the divorce. Keeping £600 MORE per month for yourself than your ex and kids have, when you’re living with your mum and having no domestic labour to do or rent to pay, is frankly obscene and I cannot fathom how anyone justifies that to themselves.

Yeah the CM is £470. The problem is in theory he's being generous by still paying toward the household bills while not living here, so I have to tread carefully even though he is paying less than what was agreed. Of course it's still not fair as I earn 15k less than him due to being part time, so I shouldn't be splitting anything 50/50. The sooner we can get the divorce done, the better.

I know a married couple who nearly split up when the kids were small due to his affair.

He clearly wanted her to throw him out. She refused. It was astonishing to watch the battle of wills.

Her determination meant they stayed together and now have a seemingly strong and happy relationship two decades on.

I wouldn't have done it, couldn't have done it. Still can't imagine how you or your relationship could endure such a thing. She just wouldn't give in, and he came round in the end. Beats me.

Yeah I wonder if I had just sat back, how long it would have actually taken for him to call time on it? Coward.

Just RTFT

i’m sorry you find yourself in this situation. I think you 100% did the right thing giving a final go of things before deciding to separate, you might have regretted not giving it that final go and now you seem as sure as you can be that the right decision was made. You deserve better and you’re right he is a coward for not being honest far earlier.

you also sound like you’re dealing with all this remarkably well. Well done you. And great that you have supportive mates and family and in-laws, many aren’t that lucky.

onwards and upwards. I have a few friends who’ve had extremely messy divorces but no regrets from any of them.

You sound an incredibly strong woman. Dealt with this really well, good luck OP.

I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s always hard. Be assured that if it comes to it and you do separate/divorce you will come through it and have a bright future and your DC will be OK, they are incredibly resilient. There will be ups and downs, but there always are in life.

Unfortunately I think he’s given up on the relationship, making no effort for years, but doesn’t want to ‘be the bad guy’ so has been apathetic until you’ve had enough, when he’s admitted he’s ’not sure’.

If you now call time on it, he can avoid blame. Cowardly and shitty way to behave IMO, but not unusual.

We have separated now, thank you, I just came back to update the thread today. You're exactly right, he basically ignored me for the last couple of years until I got so frustrated I confronted him, then in the end I still had to finish it cos he was probably never going to have the courage to do it. Now I'm sorting the childcare arrangements, divorce etc and he can sit back again and be passive while I sort it all. He should be embarrassed.