Married 10 years, together 20, from our early 20s.
2 kids aged 6 and 4. Separate bedrooms for the last couple of years, due to his snoring and kids being constantly in and out of our bed. Since the kids have been born it's been a bit 'ships in the night'. Sex very rare, especially in the last 2 years. It's become a bit awkward physically- little to no affection unless I force it.
I suppose I didn't worry too much in the early years of the kids, thinking it was just a phase every couple goes through. In the last year I've felt a bit more myself and I suppose have noticed the relationship dying and I've realised in comparison to friends relationships etc that we are lacking and that it can't all just be pinned on kids.
I've been making an effort to suggest things we could do together etc/projects we need to do around the house and he's just been so miserable about everything. Booking a holiday etc, just met with constant shoulder shrugging to the point where I've thought f**k it, the burden of planning etc all falls to me so I'm not going to organise it all just to drag him along behind me. I said to a friend the other week that I am the driving force of the whole family and it feels like I'm just dragging him through life sometimes.
After another day of him being miserable and non responsive to everything today, I asked outright 'do you want to split up?'. And he blurts out he doesn't know, he's been feeling like it's been over for ages, he feels guilty because he can see I've been making an effort and he knows he's been rejecting me and being a misery. Says he's been feeling like this for a year and a half or so. Swears blind there is nobody else, I think I believe him but I'm not 100% (learned that from here!). Says we are just flatmates, have nothing in common any more and he doesn't know if he loves me in that way any more. In some ways I shouldn't be surprised because I've obviously known things weren't right but him saying it still feels like a bolt from the blue and I'm obviously feeling hurt and rejected. I've asked him if he thinks he is generally depressed or whether it's the relationship (lack of) that's making him depressed.
I've said I would be willing to give it a go if he is, he says he's not sure. I said being unsure isn't really an option, I'm certainly not going to be hanging about while he makes his mind up. I've told him he either commits to trying, maybe look at counselling etc, or he moves into his mums house ASAP. She's 5mins away so would be easy in terms of maintaining contact with the kids and their routine etc.
I feel embarrassed at the thought of telling anyone in real life. I know I shouldn't, I have amazing friends and family, and in laws to be fair. I know in the event of a divorce that I'm the stronger person, I will survive and he will struggle. I will be worse off financially of course, but that can always be managed one way or another. If he had 50% custody he would struggle to cope/the kids would have a shit time just watching tv/being on ipads.
I don't know really, just wanted to write it all down and not quite feeling strong enough to tell anyone in real life right now.