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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why can’t I get over this one?

100 replies

Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 01:09

I met a guy through a project a needed help with a few years ago, someone gave me his name. Over the course of about 6 months then met a couple of times in my home to discuss the project. I was newly separated. We hit it off instantly in a sort of familiar way. Didn’t notice until later that he called in more than he needed to (admitted to that later), I was a bit in survival mode but was very relaxed in his company.

He kept in touch asking me if I’d like to do various activities, honestly didn’t think much of it, wasn’t in that headspace. Then we had a bit more of getting to know eachother, a little intimacy and 2 months in he told me his ex had been in touch and that she needed his help for one of her kids (not his). Whatever didn’t think much of it. But we keep in touch seeing eachother platonically but there was always a very strong vibe. It felt too blurred and every now and then I would chime in with the fact that it didn’t feel right to meet up, I insisted she knew, didn’t want to be an OW friend or whatever and didn’t want to deceive another woman, even though it was outwardly innocent.

Lots of gestures and thoughtfulness. She came up in conversation one or twice and I asked what his deal was and he said he didn’t know if he loved her or was addicted to her. Gave him a very wide birth. I wa going through my own stuff too re exH. Got texts on my birthday and given a gift, one particularly romantic gesture followed by soon after (a stunning evening he had set up) too close for comfort so i didn’t follow up. It felt v wrong. He then got in touch a few months later, wanted to call over, I was busy but suspected he wanted someone to chat to so just chatted on phone and left it at that. Then absolutely randomly bumped into him and had a quick coffee. A few months later out of the blue, around festivities another text from him, easy excuse to text and wanted to catch up but it just felt wrong and like the cycle would start again. So let it slide, said hi but didn’t take up the invite, and noticed a month or so later he must have deleted my number.

the problem is I completely fell for him, adored spending time with him, it was always special, lovely comfortable silence and also lots of fun and lots to chat about. 4 months ago from deleted number I can only assume. I still miss him so much. I am tired of it. It all went on over two years.

I guess he may have deleted my number as I wasnt prepared to continue being in touch when it was clearly more than just friends and I’m not that sort of person and also knowing his character it would have been so that he wouldn’t be able to get in touch with me.

Gutted though. I know he was never mine, tried to push feelings aside. But I just miss spending time with him so much. Would love to bump into him as it would be humiliating reaching out if he did deleted my number. He had a few things of mine, one or two of them I asked for a good while ago, gave him the option to drop them somewhere but he never did even though he knew I wanted them.sad I know I still expect him to arrive on my doorstep one day with them, silly.

Cant get over him and it’s driving me nuts.

any help. Really fell for him. Was anything genuine or did he just give me the runaround for fun.

OP posts:
Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 01:22

There was such a warmth and familiarity between us and a lovely chemistry but cause of that I couldn’t continue being his friend. He tried to kiss once or twice. Any figure out was he just a player or a user, but it wasn’t like I was serving myself up.

But sure a case of if he wanted me I’d know. But why pursue someone so much.

OP posts:
breadpie · 26/05/2025 01:40

I'm a bit confused... So..he clearly liked you a lot, you played it cool so he moved on and now you are missing him...?

Is that right?

If so, text him. He's done all the running so far and it's time for you to put in a bit of effort

Goneblank38 · 26/05/2025 01:45

I'd reach out and have a chat to him. It does sound like you pushed him away consistently and I'm not sure why? It sounds like he was really keen.

Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 08:21

I pushed him away because he had a girlfriend.

OP posts:
Barbiewhirl · 26/05/2025 08:25

He might have been wanting to chat to say hes now single? Either way I don't think anything suggests he led you on for fun, life can be complicated and lots of decisions we have to make along the way aren't always easy. Only you know whether reaching out or continuing to block will be better for you.

Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 08:32

It was so hard to figure out. Was he genuine or was he stringing me along enjoying the bits of attention. But I always knew there was someone else in the picture and that at the start he dropped me for very quickly and then was never very honest about.

OP posts:
User27563 · 26/05/2025 08:33

Your OP is a bit unclear, you did actually say he had a girlfriend - do you mean his ex?

If he did have a girlfriend then you did the right thing. I think you're struggling to move on because it was kind of "unfinished" and you didn't get to know him thoroughly and find out all his annoying faults! He sounds also very charismatic and someone that is led by his feelings (the stuff about being "addicted") to his ex.

Those kind of traits make someone great company but a terrible bet for a long term relationship

Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 08:35

the whole thing was so unclear. Yes instead of saying goodbye with a quick chat he just vanished without a chat. If anything it was a friendship that went on for a couple of years. But obviously I was good for the odd hang out but she was the girlfriend. I was always confused why he would reach out. Felt like we were having an emotional affair.

OP posts:
Savoretti · 26/05/2025 08:37

It sounds like you enjoyes him chasing you but repeatedly pushed him away. Soon as he gave up you decided you did want him after all?

Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 08:38

I always wanted him so I guess that’s why I pushed him away.

OP posts:
TorchSong · 26/05/2025 08:41

Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 08:21

I pushed him away because he had a girlfriend.

But you say that his ex got in touch with him about something to do with her child, ‘two months in’ and after ‘intimacy’, so presumably he was single before that. You never say he then got back into a relationship with his ex, or that you actually addressed the issue with him?

I agree with pps — the way you behaved at the time suggested a complete lack of interest. Maybe you were right that you weren’t in the right headspace if you were newly separated?

Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 08:45

Thanks for all the comments.

Yes when the ex came back she from what I could gather was back on the scene. When I asked him, he made the I don’t know if I love her or am addicted comment. Then the odd time we saw each other I would broach it. Once I remember saying that it doesn’t feel right us hanging out, did she even know. I gave him a birthday present once and he said that he’d told her that I had. Which confirmed to me she was on the scene properly. But when did he keep up contact. Was he just a player.

OP posts:
Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 08:46

He knew I liked him.

OP posts:
User27563 · 26/05/2025 08:46

Why would it matter if his ex “knew” you were hanging out if she was an ex? Was she actually his girlfriend? You’re being very unclear

4forksache · 26/05/2025 08:52

Why didn’t you ever clarify if she was an ex he was friendly with, or an actual girlfriend? You don’t sound sure of their exact status?
Or didn’t you really want to know as then you’d have definitely needed to end it?

Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 08:56

No I was sure after a while. But then he would continue to contact me. Once occasion as I said in OP that he asked me to meet him and it turned out to be this beautiful and really romantic evening. The reason I didn’t follow up with him with cause I thought he’d say something like that was nice or I’m sorry I shouldn’t have kissed you or whatever but he was never fully open, but then kept getting in touch.

OP posts:
TorchSong · 26/05/2025 08:56

4forksache · 26/05/2025 08:52

Why didn’t you ever clarify if she was an ex he was friendly with, or an actual girlfriend? You don’t sound sure of their exact status?
Or didn’t you really want to know as then you’d have definitely needed to end it?

Yes, this all sounds weirdly passive, especially if you actually wanted to be in a relationship with this guy.

I’d be looking at your own actions here, OP, rather than speculating about his possible feelings or motives. Why didn’t you set out your stall and say you wanted a relationship if he were single, but if not, you weren’t interested in further contact?

Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 08:57

yes I feels like he really liked me and then at the same time I can t be wonder whether he just liked messing with me.

OP posts:
Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 08:58

I guess I was passive.

OP posts:
Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 08:59

I did always want to see him, but held back as I thought he was cheating on his girlfriend but he would never admit it. The holding was me being passive.

As hard as it was I thought if I pushed him away he may tell the truth properly but he didn’t he just vanished.

i would love to know the truth but it feels too late and than he is obviously with him and I was a fun piece on the side. I just struggle when he was so sweet and as one poster said charismatic. If he’d just wanted to be my friend when did he behave otherwise.

i feel like if i got in touch now, it would look ridiculous.

OP posts:
Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 09:05

I reckon they had some sort of rocky relationship and were intermittently on and off.

OP posts:
TorchSong · 26/05/2025 09:16

Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 09:05

I reckon they had some sort of rocky relationship and were intermittently on and off.

But respectfully, OP, that’s irrelevant. You can only control your own actions. And they were weirdly evasive. You’re even being quite vague about them on here. I mean, it’s not clear what ‘getting to know each other, a little intimacy’ means — did you actually sleep together?

Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 09:20

Yes.

OP posts:
Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 09:21

and didn’t after that I felt the ex was back and then from I gathered was back properly. I used to get massive hugs and he kissed me a few times which was typically when I would step back.

OP posts:
Liftmyselfupagain · 26/05/2025 09:22

I was terrified of getting hurt and also being some sort of OW. But yes I was balancing that with the fact that I loved spending time with him.

OP posts: