Why can’t I get over this one?

[Liftmyselfupagain]

I met a guy through a project a needed help with a few years ago, someone gave me his name. Over the course of about 6 months then met a couple of times in my home to discuss the project. I was newly separated. We hit it off instantly in a sort of familiar way. Didn’t notice until later that he called in more than he needed to (admitted to that later), I was a bit in survival mode but was very relaxed in his company.

He kept in touch asking me if I’d like to do various activities, honestly didn’t think much of it, wasn’t in that headspace. Then we had a bit more of getting to know eachother, a little intimacy and 2 months in he told me his ex had been in touch and that she needed his help for one of her kids (not his). Whatever didn’t think much of it. But we keep in touch seeing eachother platonically but there was always a very strong vibe. It felt too blurred and every now and then I would chime in with the fact that it didn’t feel right to meet up, I insisted she knew, didn’t want to be an OW friend or whatever and didn’t want to deceive another woman, even though it was outwardly innocent.

Lots of gestures and thoughtfulness. She came up in conversation one or twice and I asked what his deal was and he said he didn’t know if he loved her or was addicted to her. Gave him a very wide birth. I wa going through my own stuff too re exH. Got texts on my birthday and given a gift, one particularly romantic gesture followed by soon after (a stunning evening he had set up) too close for comfort so i didn’t follow up. It felt v wrong. He then got in touch a few months later, wanted to call over, I was busy but suspected he wanted someone to chat to so just chatted on phone and left it at that. Then absolutely randomly bumped into him and had a quick coffee. A few months later out of the blue, around festivities another text from him, easy excuse to text and wanted to catch up but it just felt wrong and like the cycle would start again. So let it slide, said hi but didn’t take up the invite, and noticed a month or so later he must have deleted my number.

the problem is I completely fell for him, adored spending time with him, it was always special, lovely comfortable silence and also lots of fun and lots to chat about. 4 months ago from deleted number I can only assume. I still miss him so much. I am tired of it. It all went on over two years.

I guess he may have deleted my number as I wasnt prepared to continue being in touch when it was clearly more than just friends and I’m not that sort of person and also knowing his character it would have been so that he wouldn’t be able to get in touch with me.

Gutted though. I know he was never mine, tried to push feelings aside. But I just miss spending time with him so much. Would love to bump into him as it would be humiliating reaching out if he did deleted my number. He had a few things of mine, one or two of them I asked for a good while ago, gave him the option to drop them somewhere but he never did even though he knew I wanted them.sad I know I still expect him to arrive on my doorstep one day with them, silly.

Cant get over him and it’s driving me nuts.

any help. Really fell for him. Was anything genuine or did he just give me the runaround for fun.

Grr. I know this is the best advice, but t makes me so angry he just skips off having messed with someones head showing no care at all.

He's probably completely unaware of your current angst over him.

I dunno maybe he is. He'd probably enjoy it if he did know though

Tbh, he doesn't sound like a catch at all.

You need to date someone else.

Are you otherwise busy and occupied? Sometimes if you're not and generally dissatisfied with other areas of your life, then things like this bloke take on bigger significance than they should.

That's what happened to me last year anyway. I went on one date. Didn't even fancy him but continued to chef. He clearly met someone else and disappeared. But I became fixated on him. It wasn't him. It was that I was lonely and unfulfilled. And just bored.

Sounds like he was with someone. She found out about him messaging you (and probably others) so he blocked you. He liked having you on a string.
It may feel unresolved to you but there really wasn't anything to resolve.
You were going through a bad time so were grateful for crumbs.
Don't contact him.
Move on.

I really was hoping someone would suggest running after him with a pitchfork :)

But does he get ti carry on?
I have this played out over 40 odd years.
Alls well for me - lots of self reflection ( and growing up) - fabulous dh and wonderful, adult kids and grandchildren.
But my dh still reconds ex would be in , given any encouragement.
But men like my ‘ex’ in my opinion, seemed ti have deep seated insecurity and I wonder if they ever are really happy?
in the end it doesn’t matter.

My marriage was so incredibly deeply lonely. It has made me lose complete faith in men.

I sort of have this with someone at the moment, an old friend I happened to bump into last year and we picked up where we left off. We haven't slept together and he's never tried to make a move, but there's been some clear behaviour on his part. Plus he's had a girlfriend the whole time but he never told me, and he doesn't know I know about her. I've never told him how I feel about him but I think he must have an inkling.

I don't have any advice, I can only empathise. It's really painful. I completely closed myself off from men after my last relationship ended a few years ago so it's been difficult having to deal with these feelings. I ended up feeling quite angry with him and have distanced myself. I can't avoid him entirely for various reasons though.

It sounds like you handled it in all the right ways. You can tie yourself up in knots analysing it, but the sad truth is that if he wanted a relationship with you he'd have tried to make it happen instead of messing about. You deserve more than being someone's back up plan or frisson on the side.

This is it exactly. I really thought there was good intent towards each other. It felt like such a cruel trick, especially by a guy who I thought in most ways really opened up to me when I doubt he does to many. He sought me out, I wasn’t looking, I tried the friendship thing as we seem to just connect so easily and he pushed the boundary without accompanying with any words. I’m so sad, I felt so myself and at peace, felt real happiness when we were together, so much in common and easy with eachother. I couldn’t put myself in a position to be hurt anymore, he hung around waiting for me to message, all he had to do was write or say something genuine but instead poof gone. Such a load of pointless hurt, cannot imagine being relaxed around someone again. Also confused how someone can be so thoughtful and sweet and then so abrupt when you were in an impossible situation. Yes I removed myself but of course I didn’t want to. Now I just don’t know what is true, who you can trust, what it means to like someone and them like you back. Judging by his behaviour with me, you couldn’t have said he wasn’t extremely fond of me and in the same token he was shady. An utterly horrible feeling and very painful and confusing feeling months, really hurt me at my core.

Hey OP ..
It sounds to me like you pushed him away a lot ..
Message him & say hi ..
What have you got to lose 🤷🏻‍♀️..

Thanks.

Id love if it was a resounding consensus of..

Like yeah he’s a shitty cheat, nothing to resolve etc etc. He strung you along knowing you liked him. Crumbs etc.

or

Yeah he’s probably in a mixed up relationship and liked hanging out, you kept your boundaries but maybe you were overly cautious.

Thats the thing I can’t figure it out. Wish I could just not be bothered by it.

Probably a bit of both? He wanted to cheat with you because he liked and fancied you. And his own relationship may not be the best. But he didn’t respect you though did he. Or choose to have a relationship with you. I’d also bet there are other women he does this with…

I don't really get how this thread (and your thought process, OP) seems to have veered towards a belief that he was a "cheat" who had a girlfriend.

You've said his ex got in touch, he helped her with one of her kids... This on its own I don't think is very sinister, just sounds like they parted amicably and presumably he had some relationship with her kids. Some people would see it as a good thing he's on good terms with her (obviously not on MN where even being on speaking terms with your ex is considered a red flag).

Then he said he doesn't know if he loves her or is addicted to her... Ok that's inappropriate. Doesn't exactly sound like he was prioritising pursuing you, if he was happy to blurt that one out to you. Don't blame you for not wanting to stick around and feel like second best.

So... Seems what we have here is a man who had been passionate about his ex, still happy to tactlessly blurt this stuff out, still in sporadic contact with her. But no reason at all, imo, to think that she was still his girlfriend all along.

To be fair, you have them painted yourself as an avoidant type, pushing him away because you wanted him.

I wonder if it's almost easier on your hurt pride to believe that you were the OW... Tempting but ultimately off-limits to him... Than to believe that he was single but "just not that into you".

I can see you are really hurting and I totally get that feeling, and really feel for you. The underlying raw feelings of rejection, confusion and loss of faith are clear and so difficult to bear, I know. I hope time heals it, and fun distractions find you and pull you along when you're ready.

Maybe now he does but then he was always available. I did think today I wonder who he’s doing all that stuff with now, felt shitty. Oh god girl pull yourself together!

Wow thanks I honestly thought of me being avoidant. I certainly can see myself becoming one. But really thank you for your take.

Re the girlfriend, just I am guessing maybe she heard he was briefly seeing someone and came back I don’t know but yes they became an item again, that I know for sure. It was his intermittent contact with me and the way he behaved made me question it. Yeah they could have had an argument or maybe he was more into her than she was him, who knows. But yeah he kept in touch with me. I was maybe a time filler. Eughh shitty. Just don’t get what he was getting out of it with me for such a long time. That he’d get upset or persist. That he’d pull out all the stops, knowing I knew he had a girlfriend and then not even clarify it when anyone normal would.

sorry what a waste of time for you all - but someone has never confused me as much. Yes certainly he liked me but he’s not here now so yes he’s not that into me for sure - but what did he even bother at all. Maybe he was lonely, I dunno.

Oh and re the ex getting in touch. Yes I actually thought that too at the start, ah what a good guy he’s helping her and loyal to her kid, but no he was helping and sleeping with her….

Ok, well it would have helped us give relevant advice if you'd said up front the things you've just said, "yes they became an item again" and "he was helping and sleeping with her". If that's the case then no wonder you feel utterly messed around by him.

OP , I still think you should message him cause I don’t care what any of the PPS that say he just wasn’t into you are saying , none of his actions point to that !
You kept pushing him away ! Jesus , come on , if a girl was up here saying it , how you were towards him , it would be all , Get rid , how many times do you have to be shown he has no interest !
Like I said before, what have you got to lose x

Sorry wasn’t trying to be evasive. Feel like a fool as it is. One day he said I shouldn’t have kissed you (at the start) and he explained why and I may have gone a bit bat shit, as I hadn’t a clue of any girl in all the getting to know him in the start. But again I thought it was a cock up and just backed off and well who was I only a new chick on the scene.

Yes I know the birthday present, a house warming thing when I moved, made my favourite coffee, showed me incredible things, feel like I can’t say more as too outing.

Grrr. He was nice to me, crumbs, he must has gotten some sort of codependent kick out of it or something but ultimately on purpose or not he messed me around and treated me as second best.

Suppose I just fell in love with him and had to protect myself.

What is keeping you from texting him? Is it because you're worried you'll come across a fool or something? Maybe it's something you need to get out of your system. If you don't have to see him again then it doesn't matter does it, you've got nothing to lose.

I guess that age old belief that if a man wanted you he’d persist, there wouldn’t be anyone else and that he’d be open with you. So yes, don’t want to make a fool out of myself. Again.