Why can’t I get over this one?

[Liftmyselfupagain]

I met a guy through a project a needed help with a few years ago, someone gave me his name. Over the course of about 6 months then met a couple of times in my home to discuss the project. I was newly separated. We hit it off instantly in a sort of familiar way. Didn’t notice until later that he called in more than he needed to (admitted to that later), I was a bit in survival mode but was very relaxed in his company.

He kept in touch asking me if I’d like to do various activities, honestly didn’t think much of it, wasn’t in that headspace. Then we had a bit more of getting to know eachother, a little intimacy and 2 months in he told me his ex had been in touch and that she needed his help for one of her kids (not his). Whatever didn’t think much of it. But we keep in touch seeing eachother platonically but there was always a very strong vibe. It felt too blurred and every now and then I would chime in with the fact that it didn’t feel right to meet up, I insisted she knew, didn’t want to be an OW friend or whatever and didn’t want to deceive another woman, even though it was outwardly innocent.

Lots of gestures and thoughtfulness. She came up in conversation one or twice and I asked what his deal was and he said he didn’t know if he loved her or was addicted to her. Gave him a very wide birth. I wa going through my own stuff too re exH. Got texts on my birthday and given a gift, one particularly romantic gesture followed by soon after (a stunning evening he had set up) too close for comfort so i didn’t follow up. It felt v wrong. He then got in touch a few months later, wanted to call over, I was busy but suspected he wanted someone to chat to so just chatted on phone and left it at that. Then absolutely randomly bumped into him and had a quick coffee. A few months later out of the blue, around festivities another text from him, easy excuse to text and wanted to catch up but it just felt wrong and like the cycle would start again. So let it slide, said hi but didn’t take up the invite, and noticed a month or so later he must have deleted my number.

the problem is I completely fell for him, adored spending time with him, it was always special, lovely comfortable silence and also lots of fun and lots to chat about. 4 months ago from deleted number I can only assume. I still miss him so much. I am tired of it. It all went on over two years.

I guess he may have deleted my number as I wasnt prepared to continue being in touch when it was clearly more than just friends and I’m not that sort of person and also knowing his character it would have been so that he wouldn’t be able to get in touch with me.

Gutted though. I know he was never mine, tried to push feelings aside. But I just miss spending time with him so much. Would love to bump into him as it would be humiliating reaching out if he did deleted my number. He had a few things of mine, one or two of them I asked for a good while ago, gave him the option to drop them somewhere but he never did even though he knew I wanted them.sad I know I still expect him to arrive on my doorstep one day with them, silly.

Cant get over him and it’s driving me nuts.

any help. Really fell for him. Was anything genuine or did he just give me the runaround for fun.

It’s his birthday around now, but it’s been 4 months.

I’m so confused by everyone saying go for it. He’s clearly a cheat who has led you on. What cheat comes out and says I’m in a loving relationship with my partner and they trust me but I like your attention and want sex from you? They all downplay their relationship (I’m kind of seeing her, it’s rocky, I’m staying for the kids etc). This is rarely true.

If you think he’s treated you badly think how his gf would feel if she found out? And if he found himself single would you want to be that gf knowing what he is capable of? The only reason you didn’t have a full blown affair was because you have a conscience!

You are well rid. If you want a relationship get yourself out there again. There are men out there who won’t string you along with a gf at home. If he wanted to be with you more than her he would be.

I do understand, but if you don't have to see him again then I think it's worth a shot if the alternative is this.

If it's around about the time of his birthday then that's the perfect excuse to message. In your shoes I'd probably send something breezy and then, depending on what sort of response I got, drink half a bottle of vodka and lay my cards on the table. Not necessarily because I was expecting a happily ever after, but to know once and for all so I could stop doubting myself and move on.

This x

Yes I think there’s something brief I need to say, will have a think about what it is

You know if you quote the people you're replying to, your posts might make more sense.

So you’ll go around tormented instead 🤷🏻‍♀️
You’ll have closure OP , & not 2 voices going around & around in your head , one telling you , oh but he must be into me , other telling you no he’s not !
You’ll know .. x

You've never come across a man that randomly turns up in your life who has a permanent/on/off GF and who will chase like hell until he gets what he wants, whch is basically sex on tap, then disappear for a while then come back all wine and roses, only to do the same on repeat for years if he can?

Met loads of these, worked with them, heard what they say about the women they string along behind hoping for more.

It's not pretty out there.

OP, you are not alone lots of people have been the prey for someone like this. He's decided he's not getting enough of what he wants so it targetting some other poor woman. He's not yours, you know that and he never will be.

The way you get over these things is to make a decision to get over it. Then when thoughts come along shove them out with what a complete wanker he is has been to you. How dare he go back to a EX and still keep you on the hook.

No stop it stone dead now. He was never the person you fell in love with, he's someone quite different.

IF you want your stuff back ask for it and don't turn it into a meeting, even for closure because you will never get anything other than evasion from him. He is not who you think he is. Stop letting him intrude on your thoughts, that man never existed.

Thank you ladies. I am imagining you all banging me over the head with a frying pan.

I know there are shits out there and I never for one second thought I was naive, alas.

Yes this suspicion was always in the back of my head but I suppose it’s the danger of wanting something to be something. His poor girlfriend.

Why would he pursue for so long. I don’t think it was sex, as there wasn’t any but some a comfort blanket or ego boost.

Thank you ladies. I am imagining you all banging me over the head with a frying pan.
I know there are shits out there and I never for one second thought I was naive, alas.
Yes this suspicion was always in the back of my head but I suppose it’s the danger of wanting something to be something. His poor girlfriend.
Why would he pursue for so long. I don’t think it was sex, as there wasn’t any but some a comfort blanket or ego boost.

Some men love the thrill of the chase. Once your caught you become less interesting, for some just one jump and they're done, others string it out trying out their manipulation techniques. None of those men are worth the heartbreak they cause.

Yes, I think his evasiveness was his manipulation tactic.

And the romantic gestures. Everything he did and said was potentially manipulative. You can trust anything you experienced from this relationship.

No real relationship leaves you that confused ever

Love your positivity but I think I deep down know I was had. I just can't understand how someone like that works, I couldn't do it to someone. I might text him at some stage out of the blue for my bits and bobs. He knows there is something I want of it but it is ultimately replaceable.

I reckon you were right to play it cool with him. He was still too connected to her and not over her. If he had chosen you over her then then he would have made that clear to you. Sounds like he wanted the luxury of being with a new woman but the comfort of having his ex in the background to fall back on.
If you really miss him it's worth getting in contact once and telling him, but if his situation with the ex is still going on, then I wouldn't be drawn back in if I was you. You want someone who's available to commit to you and only you.

GroovyChic87 says it best 🙌

Thanks - it would have been nice if the friendship part could have worked out.

It's a shame but you fell for him and I don't think a friendship can be built on those foundations. You're hung up on him now and you're not in contact. If the last shot at contact doesn't work out, it's probably best to put him behind you. Sounds hard but time and space works, even if it takes longer than you'd hope. I've been there before and looking back, I could see that we would never have worked. Too many incompatiblities and it set me free to find someone who adores me, rather than waste my time holding on to someone who didn't give a fuck about me, beyond having sex and filling my head with false hopes.

We didn't have a relationship based on sex though. Yes at the outset. Maybe that's why I get confused. Maybe he was playing a long game.

Anyway resounding response - between shadiness and the quick delete of my number when I wasn't playing along or enthusiastic enough - ultimately self serving and a general lack of respect and of course, easy to drop me without a chat.

I'd be a fool to text him for my stuff.

You need to date someone else.

This. It will refocus you emotionally. There's a bit of truth in the old (and rather crude) saying that the best way to get over a man is to get under another one.

What a bunch of wise, kind and generous women thank you. I really mean it, will refer back to your comments if I ever have a weak moment. Thank you so much x

I’ll report back shortly ;)

Happy hunting! 😁👩‍❤️‍💋‍👨

Why did you continue to see him after knowing he had a girlfriend, you both sound as bad as one another, offering him comfort and conversation, playing the pick me dance.

He purposely told you that he was addicted to her and you still didn't bail, this meant he could use and drop you without any comebacks.

Two years of deception, his poor girlfriend, she deserves to know the truth and get herself tested for her sexual health.

Thanks. Lovely comment at the end. I’ll take the criticism.