My shyness has deprived me of a family of my own

[user1471867483]

I'm now 54 and I've always shied away from people/social interactions. I'm single too and I only have and have always had, one family member, being my mother. She said to me, 'it's such a shame you're like the way you are as I certainly wouldn't have wanted to miss out on marriage and having a child'. Well, I've missed out! 🤷 Secretly, it's what I wanted but I guess lack of confidence has prevented me.
Should I get counselling? She said I'll end up totally alone 😞.

Oh, OP, my heart goes out to you!

I think it boils down to whether you're happy or not. Nevermind your mum's opinion, if you're happy in your solitude, then I see no reason to change!

You do say it's what you wanted so I assume that to be the case.

I think it's particularly important we in life don't get swayed by what others think is important, or what ideals others try to push onto us.

So, what has stopped you doing something you wanted? Why is it a ‘secret’? If you were the confident version of yourself, what would your life look like?

I think you've not missed the boat completely. At 54 you could still meet someone and marry etc.
Some therapy around self image and self confidence might not be a bad idea. What's actually stopped you?
You didn't say if you live with your mum? If you do, is it that you didn't feel able to move out and get your own place? You might need to work through the possibility of wanting to move out if you do meet someone.

Hi OP, I’m sorry you feel like this.

What does the rest of your life look like? Do you work? Have friends?

Having a partner and kids is not the only way to have a fulfilling life.

It's always been me and mum. We had no one else, so I took on many roles! I even met up with my primary school teacher (who I hadn't seen since I was 5), and she even said she remembers me being 'timid' ☹️, no other compliments! But no school teacher or anyone back then suggested therapy, as it wasn't around then.

Oh OP. Take comfort in the fact that generations have moved on now and as the older generation die off, younger ones really stray from the conventional expectations these days. If you have Audible, Vanessa Feltz has to be read - her autobiography is astounding the way she was only made to think about marriage giving her any credibility from such a young age and the PRESSURE on her was almost cruel. No wonder she takes her break how badly. She's been indoctrinated to feel if she has no husband, she's basically worthless. Sad.

I work part time, no friends 😔. I've bent over backwards for friends in the past, but they ended up pooping in my face 😢

Counselling sounds like a good idea. You could try BACP for a suitable one.

Bluntly, is your mother the problem? Has having to take on ‘so many roles’ cramped your life into some kind of spinster daughter at home position?

Plenty of people are timid as children. I was, because my mother thought girls should be shy, and that a ‘nice girl’, child or woman, should just say ‘I don’t mind’, smile and blush. She brought up all her daughters to think this was the way to behave, and that female confidence was the worst possible character trait. Fortunately, it became clear to us that this was utter nonsense, so we are all socially-confident adults with friends and partners.

My point is that we don’t have to be what our mothers want us to be. We can unpick those childhood scripts.

As a shy person myself, it’s been pointed out to me many times, far more than ever necessary. (Why anyone thinks pointing out someone’s shyness is helpful is beyond me!)
But is being shy really a bad thing? It’s simply part of who you are, part of your personality.

Yes, counselling or therapy can absolutely help if you want to explore changes or build confidence. But if you’re content with who you are, don’t let anyone make you feel lesser just because you’re shy.

Being shy doesn’t make you inferior. You’re not inferior.... full stop!!!

Sorry you feel like this op.

It certainly isn’t too late to find a partner at your age but I wouldn’t make it a mission. If it happens it happens.

I look at lots of women ( mostly friends of my mum in their 70’s) who often seem to keep more youthful than their partners and compare them with the handful who aren’t dealing with often grumpy, ailing and quite controlling aging husbands and think that the ones who never married seem to be living their best lives while others are sitting at hospital bedsides or dashing home because “John needs his lunch.”

What would you always have loved to have done? Eg travel etc? I think a retirement for a single lady can be quite a wonderful thing!

So sorry OP.

I'm shy too and always have been . I hate being called timid like it's an insult...it's not that bad.. as the way I see it there are far too many gobshites in this world!
People like me and you are different but we are no less worthy than anyone else.
If you can, can you have some therapy or speak to someone you trust?
You are free, life is yours. What do you want to do with the rest of your life?
We don't have to live by other people's standards x

There are too many gobshites! 🤣

But the opposite of ‘shy’ isn’t ‘gobshite’.

I mean, you can be shy and a nice, interesting person. You can also be shy and a total pain in the ass.

If the OP feels her shyness has held her back in life, I see no reason not to accept that this is true, therefore shyness, to her, has been a bad trait.

Have you posted about your situation before? Are you the person living together with the horrible mother who keeps saying she wants to move house but never actually does so, and who has been undermining your confidence for much of your life? If you are, you've received good advice on your previous threads.

OP, I think you need to separate 'shy' from 'unable to allow myself to get what I want from life'. They are not the same thing. They are separate issues.

The main thing seems to be that you'd like to change your behaviour sufficiently that you can change the outcome of your life.

I think it would help you to look up some information on people pleasing. People pleasers have normally been coached by a needy and controlling parent to be very obedient and to mask any emotions of their own as the parent is the only one allowed to show emotion. Does that sound familiar?

People pleasers can find it hard to make friends. As you say, they bend over backwards for people and yet are shunned. Most people don't like people pleasers. It sounds counterintuitive but it's true. They feel under pressure to return excessive favours and that the friendship is transactional or that they can't see the real person behind the mask of 'I'm so nice, why don't you like me?' I used to be a people pleaser. I stopped and people started liking me!

There are loads of ways you can have a fulfilling life at any age and it doesn't have to matter if you are naturally shy. You can make friends, have a romantic relationship. I know very happily married people who married for the first time in their fifties. You may be past child bearing age but you could end up with close step children or find fulfilment doing respite fostering etc. There are lots of possibilities. But you will need to work out what changes you need and are prepared to make, and how to be resilient in the face of inevitable disappointments along the way.

I would be wondering op if you are neurodiverse /autistic. Have a look at female presentation.

It means you would find it much harder to read normal social cues and might find a lot of social situations overwhelming

Thank you so much everyone for your lovely replies. They've helped so much. I'm going to read them over and over. Yes, I'm the one with 'that' mother, Agapornis 🤦.
Your replies are so interesting. So much to think about.

Good post, @RedBeech — it’s always good to see posts like this from ‘reformed’ people-pleasers, who’ve realised that it’s not that they’re ’too nice’ and the people they ‘bent over backwards for’ are exploitative cheeky fuckers, it’s exactly as you say. No one likes a people-pleaser. They’re doing things for others so as to be liked, and hiding behind ‘I’m so nice, me, I’ll do anything for anyone’, so that no one really knows them. They think friendship is transactional (‘But I do everything for them, so why doesn’t anyone like me?’) and they’re often full of suppressed anger. Stepping away from people pleasing, not seeing friendships in terms of what you can do for the other person, choosing people whose company you can enjoy (not people who need your services) and actually letting them get to know you is a much better way of finding and keeping good friends.

OP, I think I remember some of your other posts. I agree you got good advice in them.

This is SO SO true

Excellent post

Have you tried volunteering at a group like brownies or rainbows, if you find the right group can lead to making friends too.
Do you travel at all? It doesn't have to be expensive if you don't have funds, even just exploring local places you haven't been often or getting the train somewhere off peak.

You may be more shy/timid because you have an over bearing Mother. I’m not shy but my Mother was incredibly dominating as a person. She had a lot of admirable qualities and had been on stage when young so commanded a room with sheer persona. But she was just a bit much. I moved away when young and it was the best thing I ever did. My sisters remained enmeshed with her and it wasn’t until Mother died that one in particular came in to herself.

I think counselling is a good idea. Good luck op.

She said to me, 'it's such a shame you're like the way you are as I certainly wouldn't have wanted to miss out on marriage and having a child'.

Well, she sounds like not a very good mother! Yikes! She wanted to do it but isn’t very good at it, awkward!

It sounds like she’s stunted you by keeping things ‘just you and her’ as you say. Time to widen the net and put yourself out there, you’re as young as you’ll ever be! Unfortunately you’re not going to have children at this point, but there must be other things you want to do and achieve and see without your mum at your side.

Agree with this. Read up on “enmeshment”, OP - could this be part of the problem? Therapy is definitely a good idea and will hopefully help to give you some clarity around all this. It’s much easier to move forward with your life in positive ways once you understand why things are the way they are