My shyness has deprived me of a family of my own

[user1471867483]

I'm now 54 and I've always shied away from people/social interactions. I'm single too and I only have and have always had, one family member, being my mother. She said to me, 'it's such a shame you're like the way you are as I certainly wouldn't have wanted to miss out on marriage and having a child'. Well, I've missed out! 🤷 Secretly, it's what I wanted but I guess lack of confidence has prevented me.
Should I get counselling? She said I'll end up totally alone 😞.

Thank you. I am going to start 🙏

Amen!

I really feel for you, but I think you know it’s your mother who is being very mean to you and undermining you at every turn. My advice would be to cut back on any obligations you have, you don’t say what they are but if they are things your mother has decided on, then stop them , and work more outside the home, increase your hours if you like your job or get another part time job as well or move to full time. Then join a gym or something you can do after work and really try to embrace new hobbies that involve other people. A choir is great because you don’t have to chat and not everyone at these clubs etc is a raving extrovert. Frankly you need to spend as much time as possible away from your mother. And the counselling sounds excellent .

Thank you so much for taking the time and trouble to help me xx

Yes, and be prepared for your mother to try to sabotage all of these — ‘I don’t know how you can do that boring job with those boring colleagues’, ‘ I don’t know how you can go to the gym looking like that’, ‘Everyone in the choir must be laughing at your terrible voice’ etc etc.

Recognise these for what they are, attempts at manipulation, to keep you where she wants you. Nothing to do either how other people actually feel about you, or whether things are actually enjoyable for you.

And I think these should be in preparation for moving out and finding your own place, but I recognise that this may not be something you feel you can do immediately.

Yes, I suggest counselling to talk about your mother.

Do you live with your mum OP?

I think you need to start putting a bit of distance between you. I am not saying cut her out etc.

Just some distance, she won’t change so no point trying.

Next time she says something unkind say, if I want your opinion I’ll ask for it thanks?

Start joining some classes, whether you are interested or not. Not to make friends as that just puts pressure on but to keep busy.

Tennis or Golf are great socially
Walking groups, pottery classes etc all fill in time.

In the next week give yourself a task and sign up for 2 classes. Don’t tell your mum, if she asks where you are just say out.

You need to slowly but surely untangle yourself. Don’t get into the spiral of blaming or being angry with your mum, work on yourself and your response. Take ownership for your life.

If you go down the road of therapy, a good therapist will show you how you’ve been conditioned and how best to untangle yourself. A bad one will focus on labelling your mother and her behaviours and you will never get past this and live YOUR life. Choose a therapist very carefully

OP, just live - set up these classes / groups. Don’t think about it, just jump in !!!!!

Be brave, be strong, you are more than a daughter, she seeks control, do it now!
lots of great advice here.
Good luck x

Thank you people xx ❤❤❤❤ so much.

Well, I do get from her, "You're just like your dad. He was scared of people and everyone too". 🤷
(He died when I was 6 years old btw).

Your mum sounds critical and possibly emotionally abusive.

She is, yes! Rather than being my cheer leader, she is the exact opposite.

Just because you are shy doesn’t mean you can’t be a wonderful person. Don’t be hard on yourself. Lots of people are just like you.

Goodness…. I wonder how you’ve survived this long. Has it ever been a problem for you at previous stages in your life?

I would definitely seek a therapist to help you with setting boundaries with your mum.

It's been a problem all my life. Growing up with her it's been hot and cold. Love hate relationship. ☹️ I'm definitely going to research therapy. Thank you for your interest xx I can't believe this is my life. I don't feel real.

Try not to be judgemental of yourself, you are where you are at - and it’s good that you recognise things are not right. I hope you find the right therapist for you and you’re able to make some changes and live a more fulfilling life. All the best OP 😊

My mum had similar traits OP and my dad was oppressive. With parents like that, it was a depressing upbringing to say the least.

I still have a relationship with them on my own terms. I feel very much for my siblings who didn’t marry, have never had partners or kids because they were ground down. I feel it is a form of abuse when parents are like that. I’m sorry OP. I hope you can break away.

One day 🙏 xx