My shyness has deprived me of a family of my own

[user1471867483]

I'm now 54 and I've always shied away from people/social interactions. I'm single too and I only have and have always had, one family member, being my mother. She said to me, 'it's such a shame you're like the way you are as I certainly wouldn't have wanted to miss out on marriage and having a child'. Well, I've missed out! 🤷 Secretly, it's what I wanted but I guess lack of confidence has prevented me.
Should I get counselling? She said I'll end up totally alone 😞.

Lots of people are shy and timid...it's harder to meet people when you are, both partners and friends, but it's not impossible.

Actually the vibe I get from your posts (I could be wrong) is that actually your mother is at the root of this rather than your shyness. I am wondering if your relationship with your mother is co-dependent and its stifled you? Like I said, I could be wrong.

Counselling would be a good idea, not because of your shyness, but to understand how your relationship with your mother has held you back.

if it’s any consolation OP - I found that VERY good things happen in life sometimes happen when you need them. I’ve found these good things are likely to happen to me when I make an effort to improve my life.

For instance, on 1st January 2014 I was 15 and a half stone at 5ft tall! I felt awful, no friends, had had a very unpleasant experience a few years before - so although I was living independently and working - certainly doing the ‘basics’ - I had low mood and functional depression. I cried occasionally in work. However, to cut a long story short, by March 2016 - I’d lost 6 and a half stone and was down to 9 stone and something FABULOUS happened to me that I’d never expected in a million years and was overjoyed!

So even though I felt like sh*t in the early days when I was around 14/15 stone - I felt very lonely etc - I still stuck with the diet and rewarded myself every weigh in day - Saturday - with a book or something.

It paid off because my life transformed in 2016 so much for the better!

You may not need to lose weight OP - but I think you get the gist of what I’m saying.

Literally - strive for your goals and fabulous unexpected things might happen to you - quite apart from the goal itself iyswim

You work part time and you have had friends even if you don't now because they turned out not very nice - so you're obviously not that shy and reclusive OP!

I'd suggest it's your self esteem (not helped by your awful sounding mother) that has held you back, not the fact that you're shy.

Are you male or female @user1471867483 ? I've noticed you've used what looks like a man emoji. Just curious as pp referred to female autistic presentation.

Some people have families at 54 - very unusual to have a biological child - but although very unusual/ through fertility treatment - not unknown

but OP could still have children and grandchildren if she meets a partner with a family - I know a bloke who’s partner has kids and grandkids and he’s in his element in his family - also in his 50s

My mom called me shy OP - but the reality was that this wasn’t necessarily the case - sometimes I was very outspoken about things - but when I stated an opinion my mum disagreed with she shouted me down and said I was wrong

People-pleasing isn't always deliberate and sometimes it can be because the person has had a lot of pressure from parents to a) always put others before themselves and b) do their absolute best at all times. A form of perfectionism, maybe. I certainly don't expect anything from others.

It was only recently that an external person at work told me I'm a people-pleaser because I hold myself to such impossibly high standards. It came as a shock, but she's right. The OP's mother may have instilled in her daughter the same demands that were instilled in me. Now we both are paying the price.

Yes this is an excellent post.

my mum used to say to me

“your father and I WANT YOU TO MAKE FRIENDS!” when I was a teenager

friendship should never be about that

It’s usually unconscious, and absolutely, it’s also usually instilled by parental expectations — certainly it was in my case. And yes, it can be deeply engrained. That doesn’t mean it’s in any way anything other than a bad habit, though, or that it can’t be eradicated, with effort.

That's what I get! Last night I decided to dye my fringe and sides of my hair from blonde to dark brown and my mum goes, "Have you dyed your hair? It doesn't suit you dark" and then it's the tuts and shaking of the head. I said, "People change their hair colour every week 🤷. It'll wash out soon enough if I don't like it".
She's full of rage; something she admits to too.

Totally!

Well very well done for just doing it op: you are right, it will grow or wash out.

So why not move out? Dye your hair blue without having to deal with anyone’s negative reaction?

So like for example, I've got work again tomorrow and my mum will say, "I don't know how you can go back and forward to the same job 10 years, same bus, same hours, listen to your colleagues with all their family stories, their children stories, and not go crazy", but I tell her I just go for the money and try not to get too involved with their private lives or them in mine. Yes, it's difficult, but somehow I get through 🤷.

Do you have any hobbies OP? If not I would suggest trying your hand at something that interests you. Totally different situation but my 4 year old son is perceived as fairly shy so I'm putting him in some extra curricular activities to build confidence which seems to be working and helping his self esteem. When you think about it makes sense to push yourself out of your comfort zone.

It's okay to just want to let off steam here.

But please know that this is all about your mum, and nothing to do with you. She would have done this to any child of hers. Lots of people do the same job for years. You don't have to defend your choices/obligations.

I hope you seek therapy. Have you looked at the Stately Homes thread? They could help you with the Fear, Obligation, Guilt.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5332584-may-2025-we-took-you-to-stately-homes-thread

Oh, op ❤️

Fwiw, I'm just starting to live now at 33

I've got my autism diagnosis, various reasons for having ptsd, and i' estranged from my birth family, it's just me and dd

The fact is that you've seen the need for change. You won't end up alone at all.

Okay so you're not 21, but thank goodness. Adults will be more understanding and less judgemental of your story, because everyone has a story. And someone who'd try to make you feel bad is definitely unhappy themselves.

Can you start doing something just for you. Maybe a book club or a hobby that interests you?

Maybe you can start standing up to your dm as well. Don't put up with her making digs about your appearance!

I dyed my hair recently 😄, and I smoked a vape, just because I hadn't done it. The vape gave me a headache and my hair didn't turn out right but i feel proud of my little acts of rebellion, so I get you.

Mumsnet is a great place - outside of aibu, there are boards dedicated to various interests

I'd start with buying myself a new outfit and taking myself to the cinema and to pick up a takeaway from a fancy restaurant ❤️

I hope i haven't trivialised the matter or anything, I think you're amazing.

Your mum sounds like the sort of mum who keeps your confidence down so she has a companion around. It was a nasty thing to say, and I think designed to knock your confidence further to keep you around for her.

Thank you, yes. I have solo hobbies, so really I need to change from that. All the best with your boy xx

I’ve got a feeling that if you strive towards your goals OP good things will happen to you within say 1-2 years from now at most. ❤️ These good things will be in addition to the goals themselves and quite unexpectedly good, iyswim.

I dunno… just a feeling ❤️

Sadly I know too many people like this

But you say you’re lonely and have no friends? Work is often a great way of making friends. Why are you determined to cut yourself off from an obvious avenue? Not to mention why you live with someone who appears to make a hobby of undermining you? There’s more to life, OP. She’s clearly unhappy. Don’t let her continue to make the rest of your life unhappy.

Because she has no one aside from me and I feel duty bound to look after her. I feel everything is in such a tangled mess as well. I'm going to look for a counsellor today on the bacp.co.uk website.

Again, thank you all for your most helpful replies. I truly appreciate them more than you'll realise 🥰. I'm reading them over and over xx