My shyness has deprived me of a family of my own

[user1471867483]

I'm now 54 and I've always shied away from people/social interactions. I'm single too and I only have and have always had, one family member, being my mother. She said to me, 'it's such a shame you're like the way you are as I certainly wouldn't have wanted to miss out on marriage and having a child'. Well, I've missed out! 🤷 Secretly, it's what I wanted but I guess lack of confidence has prevented me.
Should I get counselling? She said I'll end up totally alone 😞.

Why does she have no one apart from you, though? Could it be that her critical, undermining, negative behaviour has pushed people away, hence her having no friends? Meaning that she’s done her best to make sure you don’t have any either, so you can stay shackled to her side till she dies? Likewise no relationships that might have ended in marriage and you leaving her?

I appreciate that you feel a duty towards her, but that doesn’t mean you need to live with her, or tolerate her undermining you for her own ends.

You're so right.

I would suggest you read Toxic parents by Susan forward. You’ve been well and truly emotionally stifled by your mother.

Thank you. I've seen it on ebay and will purchase. Maybe my shyness isn't what I have to deal with after all!

Can I say op I think your shyness might be a bit of a red herring here. I'm quite shy...I think lots of people are. It's the job of our parents though to help us step out of our comfort zone. I think maybe it sounds like your mother wanted to keep you close for her own reasons but what she should have been doing was helping you spread your wings. That's part of being a good parent.... helping you find the confidence to navigate the sometimes daunting world of relationships, friendships, socialising etc.

Sorry if I missed it, but do you still live with your mum? I have very overbearing/controlling parents and moving out was the best thing I ever did. It's still not easy but it has given me some relief.

I freed myself of a toxic mother like this.
She indoctrinated me to thinking I was responsible for her, she had no one else (rightly so, because she's vile), wehh, etc.
After CBT I realised she's the problem, and not my problem. I opted out entirely and now see the woman a handful of times a year, purely out of obligation.
Any attempt at her theatrics gets dismissed, and I grey rock her.
Honestly can't recommend it highly enough. Life is bliss.

Having a parent like this causes so much damage, but you can choose to put a stop to it.

There is a lovely lady in my wider family that had no children of her own but met my uncle quite late in life and she became an excellent step mother to his children and has a very hands on role with their grandchildren now. Her life is full, she owns a small shop and she lives in a lovely house with a garden that she tends. She may have had thoughts like you at one stage and now look at her life. She is very much part of our family. Family can come in lots of guises, not always the traditional route.

I think other posters are right . Your mother has manipulated you to being her sole companion / carer for later as she has no one else . She has brainwashed you into feeling such a sense of duty to her that you are sacrificing your own life . Your mother won’t be here forever and who will you have unless you make changes . Going into our latter more vulnerable years alone is not a comfort . Use tonight to take stock and tomorrow start making those changes . Good luck , you deserve happiness .

Thank you so much everyone ❤️. I'll start with counselling. I love your replies btw xx
She just shouted at me again. An old lady's birthday was last week (I've known her since I was a child and she's been good). Mum shouted at me because I got her a 25p but pretty birthday card. She shouted that I should've at least spent £3 on it. I can do no right 😥

What a cow, after that remark she wouldn't be allowed to sign any joint card I bought!

I'm sure you'll benefit so much from a therapist. If the first one doesn't feel right, try another, or several. Good on you for investing in yourself.

That is so lovely. I hope it happens xx

Sorry that sounds hard 😢 Not too late for a partner and children wise perhaps you could look into fostering or adoption if you felt you could suit it? (Although it isn't easy doing either, so best to get some therapy to work through any of your own difficulties first)

I'd love this to happen for me 🙏. Lovely story.

Thank you for your sound advice. I really appreciate it. She keeps telling me everyone hates me and always has hated me. She reminds me how I hated her boyfriends (this is because they were rude to me when I was a child) and that no one will ever want me. "Who'd want you"?, she'll say.

She is merely projecting her own self onto you, many toxic parents do this.

I sincerely hope you go on to free yourself from the emotional and physical shackles she has put you in under the guises of fear obligation and guilt. She does not feel anything like that in how she has treated you; she’s forced you and otherwise manipulated you into being her sole audience and companion.

My gosh, that is so well identified. A lot of the time I don't even realise it myself.

also there’s a difference between being shy and having social anxiety.

I can be a bit shy, but I’m married, have friends…

Excellent post

Random suggestion. Join the Ramblers. Walks will be listed near you, and you can just turn up. Talk to people if you want, or simply walk alone. (If the walk is challenging, I can’t walk and talk, and there are always a few people who seem happier not talking.) Stay for the pub after if it suits. At the very least you get time out in the open air, and the benefit of being in a group. And who knows. After a few outings you may find yourself talking to companionable people, who you slowly get to know.

One tip is to contact the walk leader in advance saying you are planning to come along, in part because you are finding yourself isolated with an elderly mother. Walk leaders are volunteers and, in my experience, kind people.

FWIW someone I know did this. She was a similar age and unexpectedly widowed whilst living abroad, so found herself living alone and in a new area. Turning up was a big deal, but the walk leader could not have been kinder and a year later she has a good group of likeminded friends….and is fitter.

I have have both.

Thank you. I love this idea. I'll look into it.

Genuinely, OP, I don’t think it’s possible to know this with any certainty. It seems very clear that you’ve been suppressed, undermined, continually criticised. and presented to yourself as unattractive, dull and a spare part by the only other person in your life for many decades. You’ve been warped out of shape by a hostile environment, created by someone very damaged, with her own agenda of keeping you by her side by convincing you no one else would want you.

Who knows what the real you is like? I can’t imagine that socialising when someone who is supposed to love you is telling you everyone else in the world thinks you’re awful is easy. Imagine if people in fact thought you were interesting and were enjoying meeting you?

Having a mother that is critical of everything you do even when you do something nice is like playing a game when you do not know the rules. It completely takes away self esteem and confidence. Have counselling, then be brave and try a few new things that might give you joy. Build up social interactions slowly and remember that you are a good person.

You need to move away from your mother . She sounds like she has noone as she is hard to get along with . And has used you as company and probably a servant .
Nothing will change if you don't change something .
I bet you would love your own place. That you can make in to a lovely home . A place you don't have to worry about being criticised.
You don't owe your mother your life . You have given her 54 years