Dating advice - he is not getting physical with me (date 5)

[Monicale]

Hi everyone, I wanna ask for advice . I'm dating this amazing guy (he is 37). We had 5 dates . On first we got bit tipsy and kissed a lot (it was amazing. Since then we have been doing sober dates (cinema, walk, dinner, went concert). I am dreaming of kissing him every time we are together it really occupies my mind (I’m definitely very physical person with high sex drive)...I try to kiss him, but it ends up as small closed lips kiss. He is sweet - opens doors, pays, plans dates, but is not really physical . I asked him twice and he says he needs connection to be physical but says he is affectionate once in relationship . I'm 39 and never ever had to beg for affection and I always have sex by date 3. I'm just worried he is not into me. I suck at initiating, but tried with little success over last few weeks. I just don't know if this is normal . Should I talk about it more (I don't be pushy as I already mentioned it before?!), let him take a lead ? But by now he should surely if he wanted to. Is this normal, what should I do? I’m just worried he is generally not affectionate (otherwise I’m happy to wait of course). Anyone ever experienced this in man did they turn up affectionate with high sex drive ? I always had opposite kind of men where it was big flames in the beggining..

We also don’t hold hands when out together - this from my experiences usually happens naturally by date 3…

Maybe give it a couple more dates. You can’t really do much at the cinema or ck carts…do you go back to yours after or is that the end of the date. Perhaps invite him round for tea and see what happens…it’s a more personal and private space…see what happens then

Hi @Monicale
Firstly, sounds like they are getting to know you before diving in to s3x. What do you know of their relstionship history? Recent break up or nasty end to break up and now over cautious?

It is unusual and I get that you may be feeling rejected or that he isnt into you.

what is his living situation? Does he have a home to ask you back to?

I would be asking at what stage he would be thinking of deepening your relationship? I might suggest an overnight at a hotel after next date eg a gig where it is "too late" to travel home.

Lastly I hate holding hands, I am not 4yrs old 😂 Maybe they dont either. Can you live without that if they arent into it either?

Hope things work out for you!

Are there signs that he's attracted to you physically?

Does he hold your gaze?

Is he eager to touch you, even if its just holding hands?

Who makes the moves when you kiss?

Does he ever get flirty by text?

Does he compliment your physical appearance?

Is he religious?

Don’t put an arbitrary ‘date 3’ limit on what’s normal or not.

Im like him in that I can’t get physical until I feel a connection but once things move in that direction, they really progress and sex becomes very important..

It’s actually nice and respectful imo that he’s not trying to have sex within a few dates.

If you like him and think it’s mutual, talk to him and be patient.

yes I’m planning to invite him to mine next time (he temporarily moved to his parents - we live in expensive city he is saving for mortgage).

that’s a thing. He borrows me coat when I’m cold (he even brings spare blanket because I get cold often so he does super sweet things). However, no compliments, no long eye contacts, not much touching - I kind of have to really lean in with my short dress for him to touch me at least a little bit , no flirting over text …

He's not that into you. If he liked you, you wouldn't be confused and have to ask him. He would have explained himself clearly and made sure you understood. He's just not that interested. That's the best case scenario.

Worse case scenario is he realises that you're into him and he sees a way of controlling you through sexual intimacy or lack thereof. He kissed you and seemed into you in order to get you hooked and now he's pulling back. Or maybe he is a misogynist who thinks women shouldn't enjoy sex.

Either way, I'd end it now before you get your feelings involved.

It would be a no from me. If he couldn't get intimate after 5 dates he either isn't interested or is going to be hard work.

He’s not into you I’m afraid.
And you shouldn’t be into him if he borrows your coat and expects you to keep warm under a blanket. What a dick

You’ve had five dates and your coming on so strong has probably put him off. If it was a man begging for kisses, leaning in to me (short dress comment is ugh)… I would think he was a creep.

Do you know his relationship history OP, or is he secretive about that as well?

I suspect you're a beard.

I would keep seeing him and stop initiating. He obviously doesn't feel a connection yet but is trying to get to know you.

He borrows your coat when you’re cold and gives you a blanket? What? Why would he do that. Usually a man would lend you his!

Also sounds like he's not into you but... maybe he has a dental issue he's concerned about or (don't hate me) you had bad breath on the first kiss which is putting him off? Might be worth trying to find out.

I think it’s weird to have a specified number of dates before you expect certain things to happen. Having said that, I suspect that this guy might be dating other people. He doesn’t want you to get too emotionally attached before making a decision. He hasn’t decided whether he wants you yet, but at least he’s isn’t taking advantage while he makes up his mind!

I think she is using the borrow meaning lends

I don’t think leaning into someone, wearing short dresses and wanting kisses is coming on strong after five dates! If she hadn’t shown any signs of wanting physical affection by then most men would assume she wasn’t interested at all.

I read that as OP meaning he lends her his coat and brings a blanket for her? Because he knows she gets cold, so is being sweet & thoughtful, in contrast to his sexual indifference? Mixed messages.

Sounds to me like he likes you but has a low sex drive, OP (or potentially some hang ups), which could make for a frustrating and unfulfilling relationship long term. He certainly doesn’t match your energy sexually, or even seem to naturally initiate non-sexual, affectionate touch, which is obviously important to you.

This kind of mismatch leads to resentment on both sides, but particularly for the party who feels undesired and as though they’re having to wheedle for every morsel of physical touch and affection. He’s not the one for you.

I’m sorry about the coat confusion (English is my second language). He does take his coat off to give me plus brings the blanket so I’m warm

Lol... the classic MN double standards at play again.

If a man came on here saying its been 5 dates and was moaning why he hasn't gotten laid (sorry for the phrasing!), he'd be beaten to a pulp! "Why is it important to you, she wants to take her time, it's not all about sex, you're a sleeze, don't pressure her"... you know that's how it would be.

Can't he just actually mean what he said? He doesn't want to just jump into bed. He wants to feel a real connection before sleeping with someone. Sex is intimate and important to some people. For some, it's not something you just do on date 3 (sorry), it's a REAL connection. You wouldn't be be putting someone's name on your deeds without love, time, trust, and security, so why is something as important as sex any different?

But even if it's not the truth, there are hundreds of other reasons.

Not into you
Married
Insecurity
Asexual
Just not 'ready'
Not manscaped
Planning romance (rose petals on the bed...)
Dirty house (sh!t. I can't let her see it this way!)
Small penis (wanting you to love him so you'll be more likely to overlook it)

Hang in there.

Is he autistic? The lack of touching and eye contact could be a sign that he’s autistic perhaps?

I think this is a non-starter. He’s making you feel insecure and confused. Bully for him if he needs a connection but he’s not doing very much to make you feel connected is he? I don’t mean just sex - he could make you feel as if he’s into you and interested in you with his words and actions.

Maybe he’s just respectful and wants to wait until you’ve been in a proper relationship for a while and have developed feelings for each others.

Go on one more date, wear a short skirt , tell him you have no knickers on .Ditch him if he doesn't make a move.