Dating advice - he is not getting physical with me (date 5)

[Monicale]

Hi everyone, I wanna ask for advice . I'm dating this amazing guy (he is 37). We had 5 dates . On first we got bit tipsy and kissed a lot (it was amazing. Since then we have been doing sober dates (cinema, walk, dinner, went concert). I am dreaming of kissing him every time we are together it really occupies my mind (I’m definitely very physical person with high sex drive)...I try to kiss him, but it ends up as small closed lips kiss. He is sweet - opens doors, pays, plans dates, but is not really physical . I asked him twice and he says he needs connection to be physical but says he is affectionate once in relationship . I'm 39 and never ever had to beg for affection and I always have sex by date 3. I'm just worried he is not into me. I suck at initiating, but tried with little success over last few weeks. I just don't know if this is normal . Should I talk about it more (I don't be pushy as I already mentioned it before?!), let him take a lead ? But by now he should surely if he wanted to. Is this normal, what should I do? I’m just worried he is generally not affectionate (otherwise I’m happy to wait of course). Anyone ever experienced this in man did they turn up affectionate with high sex drive ? I always had opposite kind of men where it was big flames in the beggining..

I would absolutely love this, I’m a slow burner though so this sort of thing (especially since he said he wants a connection first) is right up my street. However, if it doesn’t suit you, either initiate it or mention it to him.

I think there may be history here. If his last break up was bad, perhaps he is being super cautious about this one? Perhaps be very clear that he is welcome to stop the night next time and see where this takes you?

No it isn’t. Most people date so they can at least have sex, including - shock, horror - women.

If the op was a man the responses would be so different.

I would give the same advice I gave to OP to a man. As I say upthread, how quickly someone moves in dating is a sign of (in)compatibility. Five dates and nothing more than a peck on the lips when you want/expect sex by date 3 is not a good sign. Cut losses and move on, whether you’re a man or a woman.

He borrows your coat when you're cold? That's not sweet, that's rude.

Maybe you're just not compatible.

This has been clarified. Op meant to say he lends her his coat.

I think at this point you should cut your losses. It’s fine if he wants to take his time and build a connection, but as others have said, he’s not making you feel terribly connected, is he?

Nothing’s wrong with either of you, or what either of you wants, but if you have a high sex drive and feeling desired passionately is important to you, I think this is not your man.

Dating shouldn’t be hard work like this.

It could be that you were too aggressive on the first date by groping him and its put him off. Why not ask him to yours for dinner for your next date and then see where the evening takes you without putting pressure on it? Give him space to initiate stuff and if after that there's still nothing, end it because then there's an obvious compatibility issue.

I wouldn’t waste anymore time on this one.

Ew

I don’t get how this guy wanting to take things slow equates to a small penis. This guy may have suffered some kind of sexual abuse for all anyone knows. Maybe he is building other aspects outside the physical to see if they have a connection on all levels.

OP, if slow is not your style, there’s nothing wrong with that, maybe you are both just not a match for each other after all.

There’s many conflicting issues and reasons here:
Some men (me included) may feel a bit anxious when a woman comes on strong early on. It’s a pressure to perform that can have the opposite effect.
But I’d want the touching, kissing…. Maybe he’s just really nervous about the whole thing? What do you know about his previous relationships? I’m suspecting not much experience, he’s really a shy and embarrassed man in his 30s living with his parents. Be prepared that he’s got to feel like it’s happening naturally and there’s no pressure on him, that you might need to help show him the way…..
If this is the case then definitely DON’T talk about your previous relationships, or at least minimise them if you’re asked- again, he’ll feel pressure at being compared to others and be scared to perform.
Just be wary that although he may be doing it accidentally, he’s ended up in a situation where you’re virtually begging for it so you’ll be more likely to put up with anything!

Because sex isn’t important. Assuming it’s safe and consensual, it’s no more important than anything else physically pleasurable you might do with someone, like, I don’t know, dancing.

OP, dating is like an extended interview for the 'job' of being your partner. You require sex and physical touch to feel desired (naturally!), and he does not meet that criterion, for whatever reason. Just as you do not need to know why someone can't use Canva, you don't need to know why he isn't into the physical like you are.

He is not a match for this position.

I forget where I read it, but someone once said that the reason any relationship will end is always there, right from the beginning, but people refuse to see it. I think you could waste a lot of time with this man because of his good qualities. The reason it will end is staring you in the face.

No sex after 5 dates wouldn’t necessarily be an issue. However, no intimacy (hand holding, hugs, hand around the waist, little touches here and there , kissing) would.

I agree with this. I’m a slow burn so attraction grows with me but after 2/3 dates I know if there’s enough of a spark to make it worth pursuing so little touches and a few kisses at the least to show there’s attraction.

Tbh this guy and the OP are on very different pages I think so it’s probably not worth pursuing any further - there’s better matches out there for both of them.

He kissed you a lot on the first date but not on the others, closed lips? I think he doesn’t fancy you that much but can’t bring himself to let you down, you can’t help but be touchy feely with someone you’re smitten with.
I’d just treat him like a friend and give him chance to chase you and not expect anymore from this.

"I asked him twice and he says he needs connection to be physical" If you like him, surely you'd wait for him to feel comfortable? Maybe he's not the man for you. Decide how many months is acceptable for you and then gently explain it's not working out. It sounds like you aren't a match. You can't force someone to have sex with you.

Ffs. Not all autistic people are that stereotypical! In autistic, I love affection, am super affectionate with the right person, hold hands and look into people’s eyes if I want to and feel comfortable enough to do so. Not all cold avoidant type behaviour equates to autism.

He seems very sweet to me and surely if he wasn’t into you he wouldn’t be bothering with five dates and nice gestures. It seems like he’s perhaps a bit insecure and maybe wants to take things slower. Some of us don’t feel sexual attraction by date 3 - me included. I need that emotional connection before I get the desire to have sex.

It’s unusual that he hasn’t kissed you though, but that could be for a number of reasons that don’t include him not being into you. Some of these replies are a bit ridiculous because not every person is the same!

The only way to know is to ask him why, or tell him you’re thinking you should call it a day as he’s giving you the impression he’s not attracted to you and you want him to find someone he is attracted to and see how he responds. I don’t understand why you’re not communicating.

Just get him pissed again and see what happens.

It’s important to lots of people.

I wouldn’t stay married to my DH if he wasn’t into sex (medical issues aside of course).

Imagine giving that response if the sexes were reversed