End of relationship that seemed to be becoming abusive

[Puxxled2]

Please help. My mind is a mess. Started dating someone in January. I have DC and could only meet alternate weekends and Wednesday nights, when DC are with their dad's. He lives in London and I live just outside.
Started off fine. Then a few red flags appeared; he seemed to be quite controlling. He said a few unkind things about my appearance and cancelled plans to meet at the last minute three times.
He ended things by text last weekend but then sort of un-ended things and said he was angry with how I had said i couldn't meet him (I was with DC in another part of London visiting family). And that was why he ended things. We were meant to meet this weekend as I was in London meeting people anyway but he cancelled at 9pm, saying he was ill. He'd gone out the night before and had got absolutely slaughtered and when he got in he called me and started an argument with me over nothing. I didn't message him yesterday and then he sent me a text saying I didn't care for him. I spent ages on chat gpt trying to write a message saying I was upset and confused by the past week but before I could send it he sent me another message saying he didn't understand me and then blocked me on whatsapp.

I guess I just want advice on how you get over a relationship which you know was getting increasingly damaging but also where you really like the person.

I'd fill your next few child free days with self indulgence, looking up trusted old friends, and visiting new places.

A relationship where he plays stupid head games, and tries to get between you and your dcs is not a good one.

If it’s this difficult a few months in, then delete his number, block him on all means of communication and spend time with friends and family doing what you enjoy.

You say you really like him but what do you really like about this pathetic, manipulative, controlling tosser?

Give yourself time and space and you’ll see what a lucky escape you’ve had

This man sounds like an absolute loon op

Well, start by blocking him in return and making sure he can't get back in contact to mess with your head some more.

Take control - decide it's over and stop getting sucked back in.

Start focusing on his bad behaviour and the shitty way he's treated you.

What's to like? He's a dick.

He sounds deranged. Don't give him a second thought. Enjoy half term and move on. Lucky escape

I agree with others . Completely block him so he doesn't get the opportunity to try and ingratiate himself back into your life.

He sounds deranged Op. And it would likely get worse over time. This is the very definition of dodging a bullet.

When someone shows you who they are (an arsehole in this case) believe them.

This is as good as it gets. This is the honeymoon period. You've been together six months. If he's being a dick now it will only get worse. Don't waste your time.

I'd send him a text saying this relationship isn't working for me. I wish you all the best in your future endeavours. Then block, delete and move on.

OP he has been treating you awfully. Block him from contacting you. There is nothing to like about him. Work on your own boundaries and what you want from a relationship. From your post it sounds like you would put up with being treated badly by someone you hardly know. This is no good for your future self. You deserve someone nice and respectful.

Was he all lovely to start with? Buying you gifts, complimenting you? Then the nasty side started creeping in..? This is him. This controlling man who ends it then changes his mind, who leaves you confused, who gets funny when you’re with your DC and family. This is him. What you fell for was a facade.
I’d suggest blocking his number. I’d also suggest doing the Freedom programme (not expensive online) to open your eyes a bit.
FWIW I’m divorced and have my DD 80% of the time. I’m in a relationship where we mostly see each other EOW when my DD is at her Dad’s (and his DC are with their Mum) and it’s lovely. We accept it for what it is, we aren’t in a position to change things and upskittle the DC (both their others parents are remarrying soon and we don’t want to add to that!). It can be done! But I think you need some time to yourself.

He is not a good person to treat you this way OP, you have had a lucky escape. He might try and get in contact so delete and block him. Being a single parent is tough (l know!) but don't settle for anything less than someone who makes you feel great, not confused and sad. 💐

Block him from your side as well, so you’re not tempted if when (and yes, he definitely will…!!) he gets back in touch with a bit of breadcrumbing.

and read WHY DOES HE DO THAT by Lundy Bancroft. Free pdf online.

Thank you all very much for your replies.
I am just all over the place today.
He could be so nice but then over text this week he said that as he has more feel time than me he can learn what makes me feel good but then added "I can also make you feel horrible 😅" like it was some kind of a joke. I wish I had picked him up on this.
He kept making jokes about wanting to have a baby with me (he was married but his wife couldn't have kids. They divorced because she has mental health issues, I know this is a common back-story for crazy guys).
He was quite experimental in the bedroom and pressured me to do things I wasn't that comfortable with. Then suggested even more weird stuff (e.g. golden showers!). He kept saying we should "make a porno" even though I'd said I wasn't into porn, at all.

He would make jokes about r@ping me whilst I was asleep which i didn't find funny.

My son had a nightmare when we were on the phone and he was saying "nobody comforts me when i have a nightmare". I jokingly said that is because you're not 10 years old and he took execption to that, and that then turned into him making an argument. It really felt like he was jealous of my child.

I guess I am just upset that after all his chaos, he is now making me seem like the crazy one and he is the one who had to walk away. I feel like that I should be the one doing that??

he is the one who had to walk away. I feel like that I should be the one doing that??

I very much doubt he's walked away, he's just punishing you so you'll be more compliant and broken down next time he snaps his fingers.

he can learn what makes me feel good but then added "I can also make you feel horrible 😅" like it was some kind of a joke.

He was explaining who he is. He actually meant it. You need to recognise that and properly take it on board.

His intentions for a relationship are not mutual happiness and give&take, but him having the power & control and you running around trying to appease him.

I don't wear make-up as a rule and this turned into him saying he didn't like make-up (as in, i shouldn't wear it). He said that he didn't like my profile picture on the dating app we met on because I was wearing too much make-up and I looked really old in my profile picture. I said why did he swipe in that case and he said he liked a different picture of me. It really stung though, because how many people had seen my profile at this point?

He said he had cancelled a holiday to be with me, I hadn't asked him to or anything. But he used that to try and make me feel bad.

I have been in an extremely abusive relationship when I was very young (late teens, he was in his 20's) it was starting to feel the same. He would show he cared by asking if I had had enough to eat. It felt very cursory though. Like he thought asking if I had eaten was showing he was a nice person.

My relationship with my exH was also abusive; basically all my relationships have been either outright abusive or very toxic.

You might want to do the Freedom Programme and start to think about ways to build your "shark cage" and reset boundaries in relationships.

It's really common to end up in further abusive relationships after one, it's like catnip to users and abusers.

@category12 I think you are right; he really did mean it. It was such a weird thing to say.

There was a lot of "punishing" going on; I was really late to meet him once, to be fair I was very late but when I got to London he messaged to say he was meeting his friend then didn't answer his phone for several hours so I was waiting around for ages. Then I had to go and meet him and his friend in a pub. I really hate London it stresses me out so much and I was just waiting at Victoria for ages worrying about him not picking up the phone

Or if I couldn't text him back for some reason then he would not contact me for twice as long.

JFC - this man is a giant walking red flag. How dux you ignore so many signs he’s an abusive cunt?

It doesn’t matter he’s the one who’s walked away, be thankful he did and maybe spend done time on your own reflecting on why you tolerated this shit in a very short term relationship.

I echo so g the freedom programme to help raise your bar of what you want from a relationship and spotting red flags more clearly.

And you can see now, he was negging you from the off?

Him saying that about your profile picture was a "Kthxbai" moment in itself.

It's really common to end up in further abusive relationships after one, it's like catnip to users and abusers

I dont know how he would have realised this so early on though? Unless I just have some kind of energy that says I am vulnerable to abusive men? I did disclose some (not all) of the abuse to him but that was in more recent weeks.

A couple of months ago he met me after I'd seen a friend and he was totally off his face and he ended up sobbing in my arms telling me he was a horrible person, amongst other things. It was really weird and I was really taken aback. As I didn't think he was horrible at that point.

Not sure how they know. I think maybe it's just that he's been testing your boundaries from the off and getting away with things, and gradually upping the ante.

So you put up with hurtful comments - and being left kicking your heels at a train station etc - keep giving chances where perhaps other women would have told him to go fuck himself.

https://ccp.net.au/the-shark-cage-metaphor-in-abusive-relationships/

Agree with this. I think abusive men put in little tests to see what you’ll put up with. By your posts OP, you accepted unreasonable behaviour from the start whereas most women would have dumped him after 1 or 2 of his punishments, you rolled over and carried on seeing him.
So he’s already seeing the signs that you’ll tolerate his BS and he knows he can keep slowly pushing your boundaries.

Yeah, I can kind of see that now. I was really taken aback by his comment as I thought it was actually quite a nice picture; me and my friend had done my make-up and hair especially, kind of thing. I had described the concept of negging to him (as had had a very brief relationship with someone who did this) and he had not heard of it. English is not his first language though, he's from abroad, so there were quite a few things that he didn't know or hadn't heard of.

He would also go on about my belly a lot - I can't shift my "mum tum" and I am really self-conscious of it. He used to say how much he loved it. He said this week that the first time we slept together he knew I didn't like it. It was like he was always drawing attention to it & saying it was special because I'd had kids. I would have preferred him to just ignore it.