End of relationship that seemed to be becoming abusive

[Puxxled2]

Please help. My mind is a mess. Started dating someone in January. I have DC and could only meet alternate weekends and Wednesday nights, when DC are with their dad's. He lives in London and I live just outside.
Started off fine. Then a few red flags appeared; he seemed to be quite controlling. He said a few unkind things about my appearance and cancelled plans to meet at the last minute three times.
He ended things by text last weekend but then sort of un-ended things and said he was angry with how I had said i couldn't meet him (I was with DC in another part of London visiting family). And that was why he ended things. We were meant to meet this weekend as I was in London meeting people anyway but he cancelled at 9pm, saying he was ill. He'd gone out the night before and had got absolutely slaughtered and when he got in he called me and started an argument with me over nothing. I didn't message him yesterday and then he sent me a text saying I didn't care for him. I spent ages on chat gpt trying to write a message saying I was upset and confused by the past week but before I could send it he sent me another message saying he didn't understand me and then blocked me on whatsapp.

I guess I just want advice on how you get over a relationship which you know was getting increasingly damaging but also where you really like the person.

Thank you for your message. I'm honestly just so exhausted and spun out by it all. This last week was horrible; I was really upset that he'd dumped me (by text no less!) when I was with my family. But he didn't seem to care that he'd upset me and he didn't seem to be embarrassed when he told me he had said he wanted to end things because he was annoyed that I wouldn't sneak out for a shag when I was visiting my relatives. It was all about him. And it was all about him when he was texting me yesterday; he genuinely couldn't comprehend why I'd be upset that he'd cancel a bank holiday weekend meet-up at 9pm on a Friday evening / he didn't think he was doing anything wrong. But I think it was wrong to go out and get absolutely slaughtered on the Thursday night when he was saying he was sick all week, then pick a fight with me over the phone, then say he was 'ill' the next day when it must have been, at least in part, a bad hangover.

The man proposed threesomes, sex tapes, and golden showers and you thought… what?

Seriously sit with that question for a moment. Were you frozen with fear? Unable to get up and leave? Unaware of how grotesquely inappropriate this was of him? Did you think “well I’m damaged goods so this is the best I can do?” Or “I’m only letting have a part time relationship so I have to be extra compliant or I will lose him?” Each of these thoughts will lead you to grin and submit when you should have leaped up and said furiously “Sir, your offer is an insult!”

Sure he’s not worth the head ache & tormentation …
What does this guy bring to the table
Sweet FA ! ..
Going around with your head wrecked , like what I always ask myself now when it comes to men , is , is he a gentleman ? If the answer is No , Fucking forget them then OP ( pardon my language) ..
You’re only with him a few months & he makes you sad ..
You need to be happy not sad .. x

I will definitely be more careful going forward. This has been a horribly steep learning curve and I think that I have realised that right now I am not in a good enough head-space to be dating as if I was, I would've not put up with some of the earlier red flags.
I still feel quite sad about it though, and am also feeling quite pathetic for being sad! But onwards and upwards, I guess x

You thank your lucky stars that you have escaped. Why did you like him? I don’t tend to like people who criticise my appearance and who cancel seeing me.

You might find the Freedom Programme helpful.

OP , you’re not pathetic, stop putting yourself down.
Your self esteem isn’t great at the minute , so if you can afford some counselling that would be great, & work on yourself before dating again like you say .. Look into free counselling if you’re not in a position to pay ..
I am 49 , single & all my life queen of poor choice’s when it came to men ..
Had rubbish self esteem though ..
Now I know how I am supposed to be treated ..
I don’t hate men , I know there are good ones out there too & I never lose hope into finding someone nice, however , I’ll never settle again for an asshole ..
Take care of you & I wish you all the best ..❤️

Everybody makes mistakes! Be proud you got out or accepted being dumped out and moved on before he really began hurting you. Everything he said and did was bad enough but at least you were able to end it. This is not the olympics—no one here is judging you on points. So what if you have a wobble on the landing? You are done. That is what matters.

Love this response.

I think partly it was because my abusive ex did also suggest threesomes etc. and I was really scared of his violence so yeah, I was partly frozen with fear because he was saying what my ex said and didn't feel I could safely challenge him.

And also although I'd made it clear from the outset that I'd only be able to offer a part-time relationship because I have DC, he was always pushing back against this by being slightly peevish about me having to go home, saying stuff about missing me that seemed to be kind of critical of my other commitments (is hard to put this into writing but text were never "was great to see you, can't wait till next time" and were always more like "I wish you didn't have to go" or "I wish you were here") so I did get the sense that I might lose him because it wasn't enough time being spent with him.

I liked him because he was nice (at first) and he was attractive and good in bed and seemed fun at first. We bonded over quite niche music and although he talked at me a bit, he was interested in current affairs. He was attentive although could be a bit smothery. He liked laying around watching Netflix which I also like, as opposed to always going out doing stuff (I saw my weekends with him as time to relax and be lazy and not have to be up and out going on a hike or something). He liked eating out which I also really like doing.

That being said yeah I am not keen on having plans cancelled (in fact I really struggle with this, as am ND) and I wouldn't want anyone else to insult how I look so not sure why I let him do these things. I THINK he was being quite crafty when he was going on about my belly all the time as he knew I hated it but he kept on going on about how much he loved it. Also his saying I had the most beautiful body he'd ever seen was just ludicrously over-the-top and I'm sure he didn't mean it.

Thank you xx
It does feel a bit of a relief if I'm honest.

This last week was just totally exhausting. And it is not fair on the DC if I'm worrying like this. Going from being dumped on Sunday, to planning a hotel on Tuesday, then that not going ahead, then planning the weekend on Weds, then having an argument when he was totally off his tits on Thurs, then planning the weekend again on Friday AM, then plans for the weekend being cancelled Friday PM, then being scolded for not caring enough, then the finally indignity of being blocked on whatsapp yesterday!

Thanks for your lovely message xx
I think that I do have a better idea now after this of what to avoid earlier on because there was red flags and I ignored them. But next time I won't. I think I'll take a break from the apps, do the freedom program, and only then maybe look into dating again. And I think very much that it's better to be single than have a crap relationship and all the extra drama that comes with it!

I was quite blunt with my comments OP but I think maybe this thread has given you what you needed to close the door on this twat, work on yourself and your boundaries and learn to become comfortable single.
Do the work on yourself and you’ll know when you’re in the right place to start dating again. And you’ll be so much better equipped to pick up on those red flags

I’m ND too. I’ve learned the hard way how a seemingly lovely person can turn on you and make you question yourself. See it as a huge positive that this early on you are recognising signs that this is not healthy. You’re doing really well 🤗

Oh dear, he sets traps and you keep falling into them.

I suspect his 'illnesses' are mostly hangovers, or better offers?

He will unblock you and come crawling back when he believes he’s punished you enough. There was a reason this one was single! Block him on everything and when he unblocks you, dont respond just block. Move on

Thank you xxx
I think being ND adds an extra layer of complication for dating, especially OLD. I am hopeless at reading others' intentions 😬 Also the dating pool is smaller as some men don't want to date ND women.

He sent me these really over-the-top apologies last week ("I'm sorry for everything, it's all my fault") and I had said that I don't ever understand when someone is sarcastic and it took me a while to realise that he was being sarcastic. He literally knew I don't understand sarcasm as I'd said so. It was really horrible!

Yeah, the SOS message was a horribly manipulative thing to do. I did suspect it was just him dicking around and not a real emergency but there was that little bit of doubt which scared me.

I think he did have a bit of a cough in the week but I think also he definitely was hungover on Friday given how smashed he was on Thursday night. You know how some people get nasty when they're drunk? He was like that.

I really hope it wasn't because he was shagging someone else but I have no way of knowing as because we met through the apps we don't have any mutual friends / acquaintances and we don't live near each other... so he could have been seeing anyone behind my back and I'd have no way of knowing! 😬😬😬

Please, @Puxxled2 - if you do nothing else, do this:

Read Women Who Love Too Much

https://www.worldofbooks.com/en-gb/products/women-who-love-too-much-book-robin-norwood-9780099482307

It'll take a couple of hours, and you won't regret it.

Honestly I appreciate your being blunt xxx

I do think if I go back to dating in the future I will feel better equipped to spot red flags now.
I think because I have already-low self-esteem and warped sense of what is acceptable it has allowed him to mess me about (and that has what has reminded me of previous partners) but I think in future I'll be wiser to nasty comments and manipulative behaviour like wheedling to do sex stuff or whatever x

Thank you for the recommendation ❣️ I have heard of this book but never read it. I'll order a copy today 🙂 I think that the title applies to me for sure!! X

I'm glad you're sounding so positive.

Please do the Freedom Programme and work on building yourself a shiny new shark cage with a counsellor who understands trauma and domestic abuse.

It's really difficult to reset your boundaries, it's like an ongoing process, and really easy to fall back into old patterns even when you think you know better. (Done it myself).

So really worth taking time out to do that and if/when you do start dating, being cautious and really scorched earth about red flags.

I saw a reel somewhere (I have never found again annoyingly!) that said ND women are often likely to fall for love bombing tactics for two reasons -1. It gives a big dopamine hit and 2. It can mirror our patterns of hyper focus and enthusiasm. When they start to withdraw, you’re in a toxic cycle trying to get the dopamine hit again.
He sounds very manipulative and you would be wise to block his number. Don’t forget to block it on contacts and WhatsApp, as well as any other social media. iPhones still allow someone to leave answerphone messages but I have mine set up so it shows up as text so you can read before you have to listen.

Oh that's really interesting about ND women and love-bombing. Waiting for texts and then them finally arriving does cause a huge dopamine rush I guess. Getting into that kind of a loop is like a drug or something! Plus I'm hopeless at reading people or knowing their intentions. I am way too trusting because people confuse me!

And yes, I think now looking at it in the cold light of day he was very manipulative indeed. He had a horrible childhood by all accounts and made me feel very sorry for him indeed.

I have blocked so he can't contact me but I do feel sad that (a) I was played so badly and (b) that I will never get the closure I want from him. I just want to know why he treated me like he did!!