End of relationship that seemed to be becoming abusive

[Puxxled2]

Please help. My mind is a mess. Started dating someone in January. I have DC and could only meet alternate weekends and Wednesday nights, when DC are with their dad's. He lives in London and I live just outside.
Started off fine. Then a few red flags appeared; he seemed to be quite controlling. He said a few unkind things about my appearance and cancelled plans to meet at the last minute three times.
He ended things by text last weekend but then sort of un-ended things and said he was angry with how I had said i couldn't meet him (I was with DC in another part of London visiting family). And that was why he ended things. We were meant to meet this weekend as I was in London meeting people anyway but he cancelled at 9pm, saying he was ill. He'd gone out the night before and had got absolutely slaughtered and when he got in he called me and started an argument with me over nothing. I didn't message him yesterday and then he sent me a text saying I didn't care for him. I spent ages on chat gpt trying to write a message saying I was upset and confused by the past week but before I could send it he sent me another message saying he didn't understand me and then blocked me on whatsapp.

I guess I just want advice on how you get over a relationship which you know was getting increasingly damaging but also where you really like the person.

He'll have been testing your boundaries from the beginning, step by step, seeing what you'd put up with. The comments about your profile picture were part of it. So was the not texting you back. The "I can make you feel horrible", was also part of it, but deep in enough that he'd been pushing you for months and knew he could blatantly tell you that he's abusing you and you still wouldn't give him his walking papers.

I would strongly recommend you take a break from dating, do the Freedom Programme and possibly get some therapy if you could swing it. Most women would have told him to do one long before you did; they would have told him to get bent when he started manipulating and undermining you. Your goal is to build up your boundaries so that the next time some shitbag plays this game with you, you quickly go "nope, next" and have done with them.

He’s done you a favour. Busy yourself in your free time.

I bet it's a lovely picture of you.

He's picked up on things he knew you were insecure about and has been using them to destabilise you.

Yeah this could be it maybe. He cancelled a date at the last minute, literally about 5pm, very early on because he was ill. Then he cancelled a weekend because he was ill, the day before. Then he cancelled this weekend because he was ill (though he went out till about 1am on Thursday, the day before we were meeting, and was off his face).

He seems to get ill quite a lot; this is his 3rd illness since January where he has had to cancel plans.

I'd written loads of Dear John letters on chatgpt to him but never sent any of them. I don't know why. I think because I actually do really fancy him and there is chemistry there despite him acting so erratically.

Just walk, run, in the opposite direction. If he knows where you live get a ring doorbell and make sure your home is secure. He sounds like a fucking predator.

keep giving chances where perhaps other women would have told him to go fuck himself.

Absolutely this. He will have been doing this before you even met, when you were chatting online.
You have allowed him to treat you like dirt because you have no self esteem.
Block him on everything.
Take a break from dating until you're able to stand up for yourself in situations like this.

He doesnt know where I live at all, he never came to my house.

there is chemistry there despite him acting so erratically

Possibly because of his erratic behaviour. It's the push & pull, hot & cold, intermittent reinforcement that hooks you in psychologically.

Yes I think maybe you're right. It really was sparks.

When he ended things with me last weekend he messaged to say "dont you have anything to say?' And i didn't reply as I was so knocked sideways by it. Then he rang me about 12 times that day and the next, then sent me a text saying "SOS" and I was worried so I ended up messaging to see if he was alright. Which he was, of course.

You seem really naive about all this. Please take or retake the freedom program. Men like this are on the hunt for women to break down. They approach you conventionally with sweet words and flattery but seed even early interactions with little tests (cancellations, rudeness, selfish stunts) to see how you will react. They will alternate punishments and rewards to break you down. Its all in the game to them.

OP Have you thought about therapy for yourself ? because (kindly meant here) you really, really need to be thinking about it. Not just for you but also for your DC who will live with the fallout of these abusive relationships into their own adult years.

I am definitely going to take a break from dating now. I'd said to myself if this didn't work out then I'd do that anyway. I will look into the Freedom Programme.
It's horrible to think the whole time he was just chipping away at me 😔

I have been in therapy for years (paying privately as NHS would only give me 6 weeks of it) and was seeing my therapist for the duration of the time I was with this guy but last few weeks I had to cancel cos of work meetings and then my therapist was away on training/ Easter holidays etc. I'm not sure my therapist got what it was like. I was going to discuss when I saw her last week but she wasn't available.

I don't wear make-up as a rule and this turned into him saying he didn't like make-up (as in, i shouldn't wear it). He said that he didn't like my profile picture on the dating app we met on because I was wearing too much make-up and I looked really old in my profile picture. I said why did he swipe in that case and he said he liked a different picture of me. It really stung though, because how many people had seen my profile at this point?

please don't allow one asshole's opinion of you to make you doubt yourself (or any of the other men looking at your profile). is he some kind of god that he has this all-knowing power? he either didn't like your profile pic or did really like it and was worried you would attract other men, so wanted to knock you down a peg. either way, he's an asshole and not worth a second of your time. delete him from your phone and life - doesn't matter who ends it as long as it ends! you're worth more than this.

I think one of the things that had made me concerned was that I knew I could never introduce this guy to my DC as I knew it would never go anywhere in the long run.
However he'd been so erratic last week, especially with the splitting up with me by text when I was with DC and other relatives I was worried that my mood was being affected by him even when it was family time.

Buy yourself a HUGE bar of chocolate, sit and eat it and get angry. How DARE this man talk you down! How DARE he!! He should be grateful that any woman wanted to give him the time of day, particularly after he'd dipped out on dates - he was testing you here to see if you'd wait around for him. As soon as he knew that you would be there whatever, he just kept jerking your chain to make you dance. The 'break up and then phone' thing is to unsettle you so you never quite know where you stand with him and will therefore (in his eyes) try even harder to make him happy.

Eat all of the chocolate. Hug your kids and be happy that he's gone.

Just picking up on something you said - that you are upset because he is really nice.
He’s not. That “nice” guy is the act he put on to reel you in. Then he said some things, did some things, cancelled etc to see how much you’d put up with. And you put up with them. So he ups the ante. The sexual stuff is a huge red flag. He’s really trying to push your boundaries and break you down.

Thank you. I was really upset by that comment; I never commented on his appearance in a negative way. I think the fact that he was more attractive to me than a lot of men I'd seen on the apps made me put up with his behaviour for longer than I would have... I really hated the idea of going back onto Bumble and having to start over with new people. But as I say I have now decided to just not do dating at all for a while as this has been so confusing and triggering.

He also made weird snarky comments about my phone not working as if I was lying about it when I really wasn't. I have had issues with it not working but he seemed to be implying I was lying about this. He would get quite pissy if I didn't call him back or whatever even though he knew I was busy as work full time, have DC with me the majority of the time, etc.

You’ve had a lucky escape op. This would have escalated. Since January is still a relatively new relationship and in that time he’s criticised your appearance, cancelled plans, been annoyed that you’re with your dc/family and ended things once! This is way too much drama for such early days.
Block his number for when he inevitably decides to reappear and mess you about some more. Take control. Keep busy and don’t give him another thought.

I'm very sorry you're going through all of this. Please take time to get yourself strong and remember what makes you special.

Speaking from experience, what happens with guys like this is that they are masters at finding just the right thing to knock your self-esteem. Just when you "correct" one behaviour/trait, he finds a different way to make you feel like crap. It's like emotional whack-a-mole. It's exhausting. With guys like this, you will never be good enough, but it doesn't matter, because to them your being on edge and scrambling to please is what he craves. He doesn't give a toss about you (or whoever) - it's the wearing down and capitulation that he wants.

Honestly, don't give this guy another second of your time and mental energy. Concentrate on your DC and yourself and your life.

Thank you for your message. Yes I will be eating a lot of chocolate today 😁
I think maybe you're right about testing me. He flaked on our second date (which was going to be like our first - go for a meal somewhere halfway in the middle of where we live) so we skipped straight to the third date where I stayed over at his and we slept together.
This week was horrible and confusing as he didn't seem to understand the gravity of what he had done by ending things - he just said he did it cos he was angry with me for how I'd said I couldn't meet him. Then sent little barbed messages about how i always have to be right - this isn't A Thing for me but he made it seem like it was. I am actually quite easy-going I would say.

With respect, I think you need a new therapist. Because FFS!

I feel like he just couldn't be bothered with the second date as it would've been a meal in a public place and no sex. He never wanted to meet up for a meal and no sex.

I also think he watched way more porn than he let on as he was wanting to try really crazy (to me, anyway) stuff.

He tested the waters by the behaviour you've described. If you stayed with him after the first 'joke' about raping you in your sleep, that'd be a fair sign that you'd put up with worse. It's good that you've ended it now but you definitely need to do more work so you're not putting up with sex that you're not comfortable with and all those other grim things from a BF of a few months just because he's nice sometimes. Better to be on your own for a while now and work on your boundaries and self-belief so you're not doubting yourself with twats like this.

Maybe you need a new therapist?

I know it can be hard to find one you can work with, but maybe this one isn't helping.