End of relationship that seemed to be becoming abusive

[Puxxled2]

Please help. My mind is a mess. Started dating someone in January. I have DC and could only meet alternate weekends and Wednesday nights, when DC are with their dad's. He lives in London and I live just outside.
Started off fine. Then a few red flags appeared; he seemed to be quite controlling. He said a few unkind things about my appearance and cancelled plans to meet at the last minute three times.
He ended things by text last weekend but then sort of un-ended things and said he was angry with how I had said i couldn't meet him (I was with DC in another part of London visiting family). And that was why he ended things. We were meant to meet this weekend as I was in London meeting people anyway but he cancelled at 9pm, saying he was ill. He'd gone out the night before and had got absolutely slaughtered and when he got in he called me and started an argument with me over nothing. I didn't message him yesterday and then he sent me a text saying I didn't care for him. I spent ages on chat gpt trying to write a message saying I was upset and confused by the past week but before I could send it he sent me another message saying he didn't understand me and then blocked me on whatsapp.

I guess I just want advice on how you get over a relationship which you know was getting increasingly damaging but also where you really like the person.

They ddon't know. What they do is make mean comments they can pass off as jokes" that would make 99% of women walk away right there and then. The 1% that don't is the ones they pursue relationships with because it shows you will accept more nasty behaviours.

I am honestly astounded that a man joked he would r* you and you didn't get up and walk out and never speak to him again. Please, please listen to your gut with future men.

Given everything you’ve said here, I don’t know why you’d call him and be waiting for messages. It’s good that he said good luck and blocked you. You should block him too not want to say lots of things to him. It’s troubling that you can’t see that’s just stringing things out and that you think saying things to him will have any effect. Even when he said he was sorry, your comment asking if he was being sarcastic would only keep things going when you need to cut it off. It’s good that you’re seeing this now, but I just sense from the way you’re waiting to see if he messages, that you could be sucked back in at the drop of a hat. Block and forget him and never look back.

To those who said i need a new therapist - I agree. I am actually really cross with her as I was supposed to see her on Thursday and she cancelled on me last minute. I had been wanting to talk about ending things with him and then maybe Friday / Saturday wouldn't have turned out the way they did.

I feel like she could have been better at warning me off him. Although I guess therapy is partly about making me come to my own decisions.

This man sounds toxic and vile. It doesn't matter that he was the one to end it, just realise that you've had a lucky escape. Block him on everything and move on.

Parents have a very happy marriage, my dad is genuinely lovely to my mum. However parents did not do anything when I was still in school and my "boyfriend" who was much older was abusing me. Even e.g. if I had a black eye they'd just say i should end it but in a sort of half-arsed way

Yes I agree with the boundary testing. It is hard because I get that sometimes people do have to cancel due to illness. But he was out on the lash on Thursday so he can't have been that ill 🫤 and he's been ill and had to cancel 3 times since January. But he doesnt have any long-term health conditions etc.

I agree with that I need a new therapist. I was supposed to see mine on Thursday and I wanted to talk about me and this man but she cancelled. I feel like maybe if I had spoke to her she would have helped me end things before all this horribleness.

You say he hasn’t contacted or called today - why haven’t you blocked him on every communication channel?

It does seem you’re hoping he will contact you but why? There’s nothing he’s got to say that’s worth dragging this out

The more you say the more clear it is that the rubbish has done you a massive favour and taken itself out.

Do not let this idiot come crawling back. This will only get worse. He sounds hugely manipulative and quite nasty.

Yeah, that was sort of why I posted - his behaviour was getting worse and his nastiness was getting more frequent. I really felt like this last week I was on a roller coaster. He ended things, then I had a day of him calling me every few hours, then we kind of made up, then he was going to get us a hotel for that night but kept saying he was ill, so in the end I said maybe we should leave it till the weekend, then he went out and got shitfaced, then he cancelled our weekend plans at the last minute, then yesterday he sent me a really pissy text saying I didn't care about him or his health, then he blocked me. It's all happened really fast and I am absolutely exhausted by it.

I recognised the same feelings as I'd had when I was with my very violent ex, that weird sense of shame and that i couldn't share with my friends what it was actually like. I can't describe it, it was sort of like muscle memory

That being said as I put in my original post, how do you get over it when you know someone's bad news? It's so confusing as on the one hand I know no good can come of it but on the other hand I am just really, really sad

Sad about what though? There's nothing confusing about this:

He ended things, then I had a day of him calling me every few hours, then we kind of made up, then he was going to get us a hotel for that night but kept saying he was ill, so in the end I said maybe we should leave it till the weekend, then he went out and got shitfaced, then he cancelled our weekend plans at the last minute, then yesterday he sent me a really pissy text saying I didn't care about him or his health, then he blocked me.

Plus the abusive behaviour from the start and throughout. Please read the books recommended upthread, do the Freedom Programme, and address with your therapist (or a better) one because any sadness is just a symptom of the abuse and you need tools to recognise and get out of these situations faster, rather than making up with men like this and putting up with all their shit.

@twistedwonder I had hoped he would contact me today. Not sure why. But he hasn't and after reading all through the comments I have blocked his number and his WhatsApp. We aren't on any social media so that's it, he has no way of contacting me now.
I feel really sad as this was the first boyfriend since I'd split with exH and I'd really wanted it to work- dont like the apps at all!

Well done for blocking him. Keep it that way and don't be tempted back in any way. Your hopes and wishes to make things work won't change who he is and his atrocious behaviour has shown you the truth of who he is. Believe that not any rose-tints your head/habit might try to trick you with. He's not the man for you. He's the man who wanted to rape you in your sleep and put it on pornhub. If you don't like the apps, stay off them for now until you're feeling stronger and have the boundaries in place to keep you safer.

I can absolutely guarantee that he will try and contact you again. He needs his fix of your neediness. He will HATE the fact that you're not begging for forgiveness.

OP he sounds absolutely horrible. Seriously horrible. Spend today thanking god he's not in your life anymore.

I really think I need a better therapist! I was thinking this anyway but it is so hard to find one; the directory is massive.

Re. Feeling sad - it's about losing someone to meet up with when DC are away, I do try and keep busy with friends but everyone has busy lives. Someone to watch Netflix with. Someone to sleep with - he is quite good in bed! Guess i just need a handhold really!

I do have a copy of Why Does He Do That? It is a brilliant book but I did find it really hard going and triggering due to my ex (who was a seargent major!) and exH (who was a water torturer). It really made my mental health go to shit because it stirred up a lot of memories from when I was a teenager. I might see if I can read it though.

Thank you for your kind words. That means a lot xx
I keep forgetting about his joke about r@ping me in my sleep, "joking" that he'd "played with me down there" when I slept etc. I put it in my OP but it's really interesting how so many people have picked up on it as for me (with my warped views of relationships!) it really didn't seem that big of a deal... I think this thread has shown that I really do need to sort out my shit before dating again. Trying to find out about the Freedom Program as I think it is needed!

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Thanks for the link - I like this bit "The aim is to help them to make sense of and understand what has happened to them, instead of the whole experience just feeling like a horrible mess."

If anyone here has done the Freedom Prg. please let me know how you found it. I think my main worry is that it might be really triggering?

Restaurants put one ridiculously high priced thing on the mennubto make everything else look reasonable by comparison. They don’t really think you are going to buy a 500 pound bottle of wine—but you might think that 100 pounds is a steal. You won’t order the gold plated Kobe beef at 150 pounds but the chicken looks reasonable at 50.

Basically you need to recalibrate your picker and standards. Just because the new bf starts off with a compliment doesn’t make him a good person. You compare him to a man who strangled you so, comparatively speaking, his rape fantasies seem…less dangerous.

Your metric is broken. You are harping on things like his hypocrisy or inconsistency (why does he cancel because he says he is tired and then go out in the lash? Why does he say Im beautiful and also body shame me?) but you didn’t pick someone who was honorable, ethical, faithful, thoughtful, or kind. Your standards are not his standards and never were. He lies to get out of things, he lies to control you, words don’t mean anything to gim—neither praise nor insult are sincere. They are just tools of control.

You are so lucky he showed his true colours so early. This relationship would never have worked.

As for things being “triggering “ that is just a fancy word for avoiding hard truths. I work in trauma, with traumatized people, are you dissociating when confronted with scary reality? That can happen: you have to be able to work safely within and around the dissociation. Ask for help! Join a group!

You have to be courageous enough to confront and accept your experience. You were abused by three men (at least). Each time you either were unaware of the danger or unable to seek help or self protect. There must not be a fourth time.

Thanks for this. The restaurant analogy is great - will try and remember it if / when I start dating again.
Yes I agree the metric is broken and my bar is in hell. Need to raise it.

Your standards are not his standards and never were. He lies to get out of things, he lies to control you, words don’t mean anything to gim—neither praise nor insult are sincere. They are just tools of control.

I think that is sadly true. I think he was lying quite a bit about being ill or at least exaggerating it. Also lying about how much and often he drinks. And about how much porn he watches. He was always going on about having a threesome and suggesting we use my friend as the 3rd person even though I didn't really want to do that with her! Suggesting golden showers etc.

Hey OP ..
Jesus, you’re only just seeing him & this is the way it is already ..
It shouldn’t be this hard & he’s not a nice guy ..
I know it sucks now , but stay away from this fella , you’ll end up miserable. x x

You’ve had a lucky escape, don’t waste it! 🚩🚩