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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partners family don’t like me

93 replies

Summer965 · 20/05/2025 20:44

hello, I’m hoping to please get some advice on my current relationship..

we’ve been together for a year and a half and it wasn’t straight forward from the start due to my situation having children (and him not having any) and previously coming out of a DV relationship. I have since done the work (counselling ongoing and a course about looking out for perpetrators) but coming into a relationship after this really brought up some vulnerabilities that I thought I was truly over which lead to a lot of anxieties and overthinking, but I have worked through that and started taking sertraline which helped. the person I’m with is your typical avoidant and he can be the best person in the world but also be so cold and distant.

So we’ve had a few break ups in that time where he’s always come back and realised he ruined ‘a good thing’, but obviously this has taken its toll and his family now don’t want anything to do with me. He tells me he’s never said anything ‘bad’ about our relationship, but they really do not like me.

hes been telling me for months that they really like me and they just want to see us happy but only he gets invited everywhere and they said I am not allowed to be invited until they are ready to accept me again.

don’t get me wrong I understand that to some degree, but we’ve now been back together for 6 months we have done the work and happier than ever, he’s now moved in to my home, but all of a sudden his family are now saying they don’t think it’ll work so until they see it, they won’t be making the effort.. my thoughts are that we’ve worked hard this time round, we haven’t split up, we are happy, my partner says he has told them this, but how are they supposed to see us happy if they don’t see us together.

anyway its got to the point where I feel like I have put the olive branch out so many times but they don’t want to know, they expect my partner to go round weekly to see them alone and not to feel sorry for myself but I feel so alone and isolated, I still see my own friends and family but I just don’t know how the relationship will work when there is the strain of this. Then a petty part of me, feels like I’ve put my efforts in so much that I’m done with now even trying and feel like I either have to wait for their say so.. which could also never even happen.

sorry it’s so long, I just felt like I really needed to vent, but some advice on this would help please.. when I ever speak to my partner on how it’s making me feel he can shut me down but that’s because he has a very close bond with his siblings.

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 20/05/2025 20:48

You’ve been on and off with this man for 18 months, a few break ups, you acknowledge he is avoidant and now you’ve moved him in with you and your children?

His family are right, it’s not going to work, 18 months in and a “few” break ups, I cannot honestly believe you don’t see their point and you need to stick at therapy because none of this is even remotely healthy, especially not for your poor children

ToKittyornottoKitty · 20/05/2025 20:48

Sounds like you’ve walked out of one bad relationship to another, and maybe you just aren’t ready for one. For one thing, moving him in is really unfair on your kids when you’ve been back together 6 months, you should be putting them first. And of course he should be able to see his family without you without you feeling lonely. But his family not liking you is likely to be a sticking point. Make him move back out and work on yourself and doing the best for your children who have frankly already been through enough.

Snorlaxo · 20/05/2025 20:54

I understand why they are keeping a distance.

I think that you’ve been reckless being in an on/off relationship so long while having kids. It’s great that you’re happy for now but I understand why they think it won’t work out so there’s no point getting to know you.

S0j0urn4r · 20/05/2025 20:56

Get rid.

TwistedWonder · 20/05/2025 20:57

You’re in an on and off relationship with a man who is cold and distant, whose family don’t like you and you’ve moved him into your home with your kids - wtf are you thinking? Why would you do this to your kids after they’ve already lived in an abusive household?

You say you’ve done the work on yourself but I think you’ve gone into another relationship before you’re ready imo.

FutureCatMum · 20/05/2025 21:01

This is insanity.
They won’t accept you.
Prioritise your children not him. And get him out of your house, there’s no way you should be living together with this history.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2025 21:49

Mrsttcno1 · 20/05/2025 20:48

You’ve been on and off with this man for 18 months, a few break ups, you acknowledge he is avoidant and now you’ve moved him in with you and your children?

His family are right, it’s not going to work, 18 months in and a “few” break ups, I cannot honestly believe you don’t see their point and you need to stick at therapy because none of this is even remotely healthy, especially not for your poor children

This exactly echoes my thoughts. They’re right. You’re being highly irresponsible. Are your poor kids getting therapy too?!

Original poster
Summer965 · 20/05/2025 21:51

Thank you for your response, I agree with what everyone is saying, however I do prioritise my children completely, he is not an abusive relationship in anyway. I can see everyone’s point of view but I also know I haven’t done anything for them not to like me, people worry and that doesn’t make them bad, as I said these worries came to the surface when I got into a new relationship, and I have continued to do the work on myself for 4 years now so it’s not that I think I’m ’cured’. Some brutal but needed home truths anyway, so thank you

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 20/05/2025 21:54

Summer965 · 20/05/2025 21:51

Thank you for your response, I agree with what everyone is saying, however I do prioritise my children completely, he is not an abusive relationship in anyway. I can see everyone’s point of view but I also know I haven’t done anything for them not to like me, people worry and that doesn’t make them bad, as I said these worries came to the surface when I got into a new relationship, and I have continued to do the work on myself for 4 years now so it’s not that I think I’m ’cured’. Some brutal but needed home truths anyway, so thank you

You are not prioritising your children when you’re moving a man that you’ve been on and off with for 18 months- let me make that really clear. They are NOT your priority if that is what you have done, actually you’ve put them last to someone who can’t commit to you. It’s a shit show that you’re dragging your kids through.

Original poster
Summer965 · 20/05/2025 21:54

@FutureCatMum I agree with what you have said thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Summer965 · 20/05/2025 21:56

@Mrsttcno1 fair, the brutal honesty I definitely need, thank you x

OP posts:
RogueMandible · 20/05/2025 22:03

Mrsttcno1 · 20/05/2025 20:48

You’ve been on and off with this man for 18 months, a few break ups, you acknowledge he is avoidant and now you’ve moved him in with you and your children?

His family are right, it’s not going to work, 18 months in and a “few” break ups, I cannot honestly believe you don’t see their point and you need to stick at therapy because none of this is even remotely healthy, especially not for your poor children

This. It’s not clear to me why you think this relationship has any future, far less why your on-off boyfriend’s family should befriend you. With the best will in the world, no one is going to go to the trouble of getting involved with someone who’s been as much off as on over eighteen months.

You sound as if you think they should all develop amnesia and go along with your ‘better than ever’ narrative. He’s ’avoidant’, ‘cold and distant’, and keeps breaking up with you, and yet, despite claiming to have ‘done the work’ after your DV relationship, you moved him in with your children? You have poor judgement and need a lot more therapy.

whostolethecookie · 20/05/2025 22:03

You’re not prioritising your children though are you?

you have come on here to ask about your In laws trying to working through a relationship that is only 18 months old, isn’t working

yet you have dragged your children into this and blindly not looking at their best interest

this will stay with them.

end the relationship and focus on your kids then yourself

Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet · 20/05/2025 22:05

Ask yourself honestly does he make you feel you should be grateful he is with you?

Original poster
Summer965 · 20/05/2025 22:05

@whostolethecookie like I’ve said on a lot of these posts, thank you I really see it from your perspective, and agree a lot more work is required and the issue here isn’t the in laws not liking me and the issue is within me, so thank you

OP posts:
HiddenInCubeOfCheese · 20/05/2025 22:08

What they all said, but… his family are dicks in how they’re treating you like a leper but he’s not half of the equation? In any event, you don’t want to be married into (or thereabouts) a family like this.

Even if they don’t think it’ll work and blah blah blah, don’t fucking exclude someone like they’ve been doing. That’s just rude and immature. The other interpretation of this is that he’s been embellishing and telling them porky pies about you

Original poster
Summer965 · 20/05/2025 22:11

@Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet if I’ve read this right, yeah he does.. he told me no one would accept me with my children and I think that’s something that’s really stuck with me

OP posts:
saraclara · 20/05/2025 22:19

Summer965 · 20/05/2025 22:11

@Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet if I’ve read this right, yeah he does.. he told me no one would accept me with my children and I think that’s something that’s really stuck with me

Good grief. Please leave this man.

CatsLikeBoxes · 20/05/2025 22:20

Sometimes people find themselves in another abusive relationship - they don't recognise it because it's not so obvious as in the last one. He might be nice some of the time, but being cold, being distant, telling you no one else will want you. This doesn't sound like a relationship to pursue.

TwistedWonder · 20/05/2025 22:21

Summer965 · 20/05/2025 22:11

@Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet if I’ve read this right, yeah he does.. he told me no one would accept me with my children and I think that’s something that’s really stuck with me

What so no single/divorced/widowed mothers ever meet someone who fully accepts and braces their children as a full package?

He’s a knob

Original poster
Summer965 · 20/05/2025 22:23

@HiddenInCubeOfCheese thank you for your response and you’re so right, this is what I seem to overthink about.. what is getting said that’s making them have such an issue, I know 3 times seems a lot in 18 months and they were quite early on in the relationship but the last one was the end of last year but each time it’s him deciding he doesn’t want to be with me and then realises (I know that makes me stupid for putting my children in that situation) but his family were initially the ones who were saying ‘just give him time, he’s not been with someone who has kids’ ‘he’s a good person but he can sometimes put himself first’ they would give him advice on how to make us work etc, but it is like they have turned this time and I wonder whether he pushes to keep me away because of lies he may have said. It’s such a confusing situation and when I say lonely (it’s not that I think he shouldn’t see his family as another post suggests) it’s that I know I’m excluded and not welcome ever and that’s what’s a lonely feeling that I’m expected to just be ok with it. I agree with a lot of the posts though, as much as I know I put my children first, I’m actually not when I’m choosing to be in a relationship where it’s not right.

OP posts:
fraughtcouture · 20/05/2025 22:31

You can’t seriously believe that this “relationship” is what’s best for you and your children?!

Ludicrous that you’ve moved him into your house, how desperate are you that you thought this was the right thing for your kids?!

LaughingCat · 20/05/2025 22:32

Summer965 · 20/05/2025 22:11

@Shesellsseashellsnotinmystreet if I’ve read this right, yeah he does.. he told me no one would accept me with my children and I think that’s something that’s really stuck with me

This is an absolute gamechanger.

I was already wondering about his part in his family not liking you. I mean - I wouldn’t stay with anyone who didn’t tell their family to fuck off if they didn’t take us as a package deal - so it sounded like he’s controlling the narrative both with them and you so he can control the relationship between you. Add in cutting at your self-esteem and making you afraid that you’ll never have a relationship if you don’t settle for him…and that’s an emotionally abusive and controlling relationship all over again.

I’m really sorry…I’d also assume he’s using the coldness and distance to control you as well, trying to get you to run after him/do what he wants to make him ‘warm’ to you again.

Maybe talk to your therapist about these things, see if they can help shed a light on the healthiness of the dynamics in your relationship. They might have some thoughts on that.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/05/2025 22:33

Where was he living before he moved in? He needs to go back there asap.

Your last post is right, you can’t prioritise your children, who’ve already been through a lot, while investing time and energy in a relationship this up and down, complicated and angsty. He’s trying to trash your self esteem by suggesting no one else will want you, decide now that actually you don’t want him.

Because he’s not good enough for you. And you’ve got some more healing to do before even thinking about dating never mind having a man live in your home with your children.

Original poster
Summer965 · 20/05/2025 23:07

@AnneLovesGilbert at his parents home, they were pushing him out which was why we moved things a little quicker than I would have liked as we originally said let’s just wait until September time just to allow us some time, but when the strain was put on at his family home and us being in a good place for some time I did think it would be ok, as he originally said that his family were happy etc, but then as soon as he moved in he was honest on their opinions etc. thank you you’re right

OP posts: