My partners family don’t like me

[Summer965]

hello, I’m hoping to please get some advice on my current relationship..

we’ve been together for a year and a half and it wasn’t straight forward from the start due to my situation having children (and him not having any) and previously coming out of a DV relationship. I have since done the work (counselling ongoing and a course about looking out for perpetrators) but coming into a relationship after this really brought up some vulnerabilities that I thought I was truly over which lead to a lot of anxieties and overthinking, but I have worked through that and started taking sertraline which helped. the person I’m with is your typical avoidant and he can be the best person in the world but also be so cold and distant.

So we’ve had a few break ups in that time where he’s always come back and realised he ruined ‘a good thing’, but obviously this has taken its toll and his family now don’t want anything to do with me. He tells me he’s never said anything ‘bad’ about our relationship, but they really do not like me.

hes been telling me for months that they really like me and they just want to see us happy but only he gets invited everywhere and they said I am not allowed to be invited until they are ready to accept me again.

don’t get me wrong I understand that to some degree, but we’ve now been back together for 6 months we have done the work and happier than ever, he’s now moved in to my home, but all of a sudden his family are now saying they don’t think it’ll work so until they see it, they won’t be making the effort.. my thoughts are that we’ve worked hard this time round, we haven’t split up, we are happy, my partner says he has told them this, but how are they supposed to see us happy if they don’t see us together.

anyway its got to the point where I feel like I have put the olive branch out so many times but they don’t want to know, they expect my partner to go round weekly to see them alone and not to feel sorry for myself but I feel so alone and isolated, I still see my own friends and family but I just don’t know how the relationship will work when there is the strain of this. Then a petty part of me, feels like I’ve put my efforts in so much that I’m done with now even trying and feel like I either have to wait for their say so.. which could also never even happen.

sorry it’s so long, I just felt like I really needed to vent, but some advice on this would help please.. when I ever speak to my partner on how it’s making me feel he can shut me down but that’s because he has a very close bond with his siblings.

@LaughingCat thank you so much, I do agree with everything you are saying. Your point about us coming as a family unit , I would never ask for that but I do feel like if it was the other way round I would have been that way as I just don’t get how he can be ok that I’m almost the ‘bad guy’ for his break ups even though I’ve welcomed him into my home with my children and made him feel like it’s his home too.. but yeah I’m starting to realise I’ve made a lot of bad choices

You’ve been through a lot with your previous relationship and are still carrying the scars from that. It sounds like you’ve had to put the work in with your therapist to get to where you are and you shouldn’t have to be put through any more grief from his family. You shouldn’t have to fight for validation from his family when you’re being unfairly treated & unsupported. Hopefully your therapist can give you their opinion & guidance. As a parent you do what you can to protect your children, your their constant and support. You know your babies best. I hope you get the resolve you need for your situation 💐

@Moocrewmummy thank you so much for your message, yeah I think in hindsight I’ve allowed myself to think this is a good relationship because I compare to how bad things were in my last relationship. I really do see that a lot more healing needs to be done now because I shouldn’t be accepting this from him and how is family are being with me is completely isolating. My children are the most important to me and I’ve done so much in the last 4 years to make sure they have a secure home so they feel safe, and I know they are the happiest children, but I know I need to do better for them and also me x

Honestly this is a really concerning read. Imagine if it was a friend of yours-
leaves a abusive relationship and quickly starts a new one
dp keeps breaking things off and can be cold and distant
still in therapy and working through own issues
Introduced dp to kids and moved in together after only being together 18 months and breaking up several times during that period

this man shouldn’t be in your kids lives at this point. It’s not been stable enough for a long enough period. I was in a abusive relationship and know first hand that your bar for acceptable behaviour can be a lot lower than it needs to be.

really consider if this is in yours and your kids best interest

@whynotmereally thank you, but I was single for 2 and a half years prior to this relationship as I said in my original post, unfortunately some vulnerabilities arose when getting into a new relationship that I thought were resolved, I get your point on the moving in and taken on board what most people are saying on this post, that’s what mumsnet is here for to get advice and I clearly thought I needed it hence why I wrote on here, but it’s become clear from my original post to now what actually is the issue. Thanks again

Credit where’s its due: the OP hasn’t belligerently fought anyone or put her fingers in her ears. Well done for evaluating

You’re a parent: giving so much time/energy and especially then having your boyfriend move in were big mistakes. If your DC and your own wellbeing are truly priorities ask him to leave and properly end the relationship.

’your typical avoidant’; ‘cold and distant’ : ‘we’ve had a few break ups…..he’s always come back and realised he ruined ‘a good thing’; said no one else would want you.

It sounds like you might have attributed his shortcomings (at best) to your own ‘vulnerabilities’ from your past, when perhaps the main vulnerability remained you putting up with crap treatment and red flags.

You can have a relationship without living together you know. Date him once or twice a week, he doesn't have to see your DC. I hope he's paying his way as you lose your single person council tax discount.

You’re not “putting your children first” by moving blokes in to their home before you can even have a civil gathering with their family.

I had dc when met my now dh. He told me he felt privileged to have been welcomed and accepted into our family.. Get rid for that alone op.

His parents sound unhinged if they were pushing him to move out to live with someone they don’t like or approve of.

You’re definitely not putting your kids first by moving a bloke you’re in a rocky relationship with under their roof.

Honestly what were you thinking?

And the usual question - does he contribute financially and by doing his share of chores?

Just because it’s a different kind of awful from your earlier abusive relationship doesn’t mean it’s ok.

This is bad for your children and bad for you. You have rushed moving an erratic and unreliable man into your home - someone who diminishes you and had dumped you three times in the first year.

Keep up with the counselling, have faith in yourself and dump this man.

This

he can be the best person in the world but also be so cold and distant.

he's not an abusive relationship in anyway

I spy one way. Your children have been through enough, they do not need to see their mums on off "avoidant" boyfriend being cold and distant with their mother, in their home.

Your one job now is to create them a long term place of peace and safety. That's what prioriting them looks like, not inviting more drama in. Ringfence their peace, and your own.

Read about womens 3 loves etc. The 2nd hurts worse and it's fact! Been there done that just split. He's a manipulating gas lighter he wants you to be alone with no one. He's alienated you from his family and now he is going to do it with yours hence why he moved in

I'm dating again but I won't even allow a man to.come here at all. I'll go their house and go out but not here. If he hasn't got his own house again get rid cock lodger

@Bananalanacake well he asked me to get a cohabitation agreement, I declined as this is the home I bought with my own money but he feels like he should have entitlements due to paying rent, so he’s currently not paying anything. I’ve really digged deep after this post, I know I’m allowing things that if this was one of my children in this situation I would be begging they see sense. So thank you

Think most of us realised he wouldn’t be contributing.

Why on earth would you let a man live in your home rent free?

Honestly they say no one falls in love as quick as a man who needs a roof over his head

Just remember ever penny you waste on this cocklodger is a penny you’re taking away from your kids.

He needs to move out TODAY

@TwistedWonder i agree thank you and no he doesn’t contribute currently

So you need to understand that although he’s not violent, he’s still an abuser

Please for your sake and for your kids tell him to go

@Summer965 I definitely think there’s a possibility that he said some things about you to his family at the last break up at least. You say that the first couple of times his family were supportive and friendly towards you - eg “give him time…” etc? Perhaps he wasn’t comfortable with that and wanted them to be more “on his side” the last time, before he moved in with you. He could be embarrassed about stuff he told them, maybe making you out to be the bad guy or something. Are you certain this is actually coming from his family and he’s not just saying it’s coming from them? Could HE(! Sorry it said you in the first post, so have edited it, sorry!) have maybe been with anyone else during the break up, and his family know so he wants to keep you all separate? Just a few thoughts I had from reading your posts.

@TwistedWonder yeah you are completely right, I’m scared to allow him to pay because of what entitlements he thinks he may have, also the fact he was previously pressing for a cohabitation agreement, which I strongly declined and told him to buy/rent elsewhere as that won’t be happening. He has made me lose complete self esteem and confidence and I know I’m feeling isolated and constantly unhappy, I will do the right thing

And have therapy, do the Freedom programme, and take a long period of being single and working on your self-esteem and boundaries before even contemplating dating again.