My partners family don’t like me

[Summer965]

hello, I’m hoping to please get some advice on my current relationship..

we’ve been together for a year and a half and it wasn’t straight forward from the start due to my situation having children (and him not having any) and previously coming out of a DV relationship. I have since done the work (counselling ongoing and a course about looking out for perpetrators) but coming into a relationship after this really brought up some vulnerabilities that I thought I was truly over which lead to a lot of anxieties and overthinking, but I have worked through that and started taking sertraline which helped. the person I’m with is your typical avoidant and he can be the best person in the world but also be so cold and distant.

So we’ve had a few break ups in that time where he’s always come back and realised he ruined ‘a good thing’, but obviously this has taken its toll and his family now don’t want anything to do with me. He tells me he’s never said anything ‘bad’ about our relationship, but they really do not like me.

hes been telling me for months that they really like me and they just want to see us happy but only he gets invited everywhere and they said I am not allowed to be invited until they are ready to accept me again.

don’t get me wrong I understand that to some degree, but we’ve now been back together for 6 months we have done the work and happier than ever, he’s now moved in to my home, but all of a sudden his family are now saying they don’t think it’ll work so until they see it, they won’t be making the effort.. my thoughts are that we’ve worked hard this time round, we haven’t split up, we are happy, my partner says he has told them this, but how are they supposed to see us happy if they don’t see us together.

anyway its got to the point where I feel like I have put the olive branch out so many times but they don’t want to know, they expect my partner to go round weekly to see them alone and not to feel sorry for myself but I feel so alone and isolated, I still see my own friends and family but I just don’t know how the relationship will work when there is the strain of this. Then a petty part of me, feels like I’ve put my efforts in so much that I’m done with now even trying and feel like I either have to wait for their say so.. which could also never even happen.

sorry it’s so long, I just felt like I really needed to vent, but some advice on this would help please.. when I ever speak to my partner on how it’s making me feel he can shut me down but that’s because he has a very close bond with his siblings.

@Whatwaswrongwiththatusername his dad and siblings have said on the phone to my partner where I’ve been around, they won’t be making any effort but as my partner won’t let me speak to anyone I do think he may have something to do with it, but what he could possibly say I really do not know other than I worry and require reassurance which may be annoying to the most laid back person, but I haven’t done anything detrimental.

Big hug OP, glad you’re taking the fantastic advice given. He is not the one for you (or anyone else )

continue working on yourself, learn to raise the bar of what good looks and feels like ❤️

Sorry, I hadn’t seen your last two posts when I was writing mine. I think, seeing this info about your house/money etc, it probably doesn’t really matter now, the whole thing with his family. I think your living arrangements and his attitude towards the house, and (seemingly) wanting to worm his way on to getting his name somewhere on it so that he has some kind of legal rights, are your actual problems. And it isn’t only that alone, I have a feeling that it’s likely he could be trying to be financially abusive as well as emotionally. Obviously he won’t think he’s doing either of these things. You have a big decision to make here. It’s all well and good saying get rid (tho, I hope you do), I know life isn’t always that simple or black and white. But you seem pretty tuned in to this, so I hope you do make that decision, for both you and your dc sake.

Exactly this. You don’t have a stable relationship and all this ‘having to work on it’ indicates that it’s a lot of effort to maintain and could fall apart easily.

His family are distancing themselves because like me they can see that is a big mess that is going to all end in tears.

I'd stop fretting about what his family think of you, tell him it's not working for you and concentrate on your children, and you.

Also, interesting to me that he moved in with you as his family were 'pushing him out.'
I wonder why ?
He's a freeloader I suppose.

Yes, you have definitely done nothing detrimental at all. It is entirely likely that he really could have said something. Maybe his family started being fed up watching him yo-yo so he shifted blame on you just to get them off his back. As you say, he won’t let you speak to anyone yourself, and I think it’s because he’s lied to them about it, making it seem like your fault, at the very least. This doesn’t appear to be the kind of family you should want to be a part of anyway. Do you want to be linked to people like this? Do you want your daughter to experience this as well. Most families will (should) open their arms to their family members’ partners. I know they did at first, but even if (and I don’t think you should stay around to find out), if, they come round this will always be on your mind, and it could happen again and again.

But with the info since, I really do think thats the least of your problems now. I hope whatever you decide next will be making sure you protect yourself and dc, and your home. I know others have said the same, but a stretch of “alone time”, is probably the best for you right now. Good luck with everything, I think you know you will make the right decision.

ETA: I think a good start would be to simply ask him to move out and find somewhere of his own. Where you go from there, when you’ve had some space to think and breathe, should be a decision that you have the physical and emotional space to make, properly.

@Foreverhope1 Thank you so much x

Great advice.
Get this using freeloader out of your childrens home today.

Tbh OP there’s absolutely no point wasting headspace agonising over his family. You need to get this cocklodger out of your home and out of your life.

@TwistedWonder agreed!!! Honestly it’s been a constant thought since I wrote this post, I just needed some home truths x

OP, my comment is somewhere in @Mrsttcno1 and all the other wise posts you've read.

You've done a lot of therapy, but sometimes you never know if you're healed until something triggers you, or you allow some bullshit to slide as before.

This relationship is screaming that your work is not done yet and you've allowed a 'less bad man' to slide into your children's home, because his parents no longer want him.
You're still stuck in the cycle of drama and toxicity with this on and off relationship. Those stop being cool once you stop being a teenager.

And he's trying to lower your value even further, by having you think you must entertain a relationship because you have children?
Put yourself and your children first by dumping him and getting back into therapy.

He is rushing the relationship with a woman who has children. I wouldn’t want to be seen as condoning that situation. I would be mad at my family member, not you. It really has nothing to do with you as a person.

It’s about not wanting to become part of the circle of people the children get to know and then have ripped away if you break up again.

18 months with interruptions is hardly enough time for him to be meeting you at the park with your children for an afternoon. He shouldn’t be living with them.

Him and his family sound a nightmare . Get rid and concentrate on you and the kids.

Sadly, you are already in another abusive and controlling relationship with what sounds like a pretty unpleasant guy.
You are not ready for another relationship. Work on your self first. 🌻

This...

Also

"I am not allowed to be invited until they are ready to accept me again."

What judgemental fools.

Until They are ready? And your BF goes along with this and has obviously told you that they said that.

What exactly would it take for them to be "ready"? Have they specified.

Will you ever be "ready" for people who treat you like this.
I'd dump the lot of them frankly.

Lots of familes welcome BFs or GFs without knowing if the relationship is likely to be long term or not... they welcome them as the person's current relationship, because that is good manners.

From the way they are currently behaving, they are doing their damndest to split you up and are just the type of in laws to be dictatorial and overbearing in the future.

Of course he wants to see his family - but at the cost of leaving you on your own every weekend.. He doesn't sound all in, but he has got a nice place to live in, with a person to tend to all his needs, so I can see what's in it for him.

What exactly is in it for you?

Please give him his marching orders now!

Your children need a stable environment, being around DV will have caused them internal harm. I left a dv relationship (my children’s dad) my youngest cut herself up so badly she went too far one time and needed stitches.
do not bring another turbulent relationship into your children’s lives, they deserve better.

If I take your thread title at face value, my quibble would be “do you like them?”, and it made me think of you, OP. Like, forget them, forget your DV ex. Why would you even truly care?

This is all about something deeper within you and how you value yourself. Start poking about at that and I bet it helps you build your esteem and joining up in these imbalanced abusive (or sometimes just plain not cool - something doesn’t have to be extreme and violent to be unworthy of you) relationships

First reply and spot on. Couldn't say it better myself.

I feel compelled to post on this thread, and I truly hope the OP sees this. Your vulnerability, your openness to taking on board every criticism as if you must be the problem—it absolutely breaks my heart. I can’t help but wonder, is this a recurring theme in your life? That gut-deep, painful belief: “I must be the problem”?
Please, take a step back and really look at the dynamics here. What you're describing sounds heartbreakingly like a transactional relationship with a classic anxious/dismissive avoidant. If that phrase doesn’t ring a bell yet, please do some reading—it’s eye-opening, and frankly, quite harrowing. These attachment styles are destructive when you're on the receiving end. They chip away at your sense of self.
This man is living in your home, rent free, while telling you no one else will want you. That a massive red flag being waved right in your face.This is emotional and psychological abuse, full stop.
It feels better than your last relationship. But please don’t confuse “different” with “healthy.” This isn't love, it's manipulation. Covert, insidious, and unfortunately, likely to get worse.
You clearly carry trauma that still needs healing. And this man? He’s not the solution he's another wound waiting to happen. You deserve a partner who builds you up, and enhances your life and makes you feel safe. This is not what I'm hearing from you? Please, for your own mental health and wellbeing, for your continued recovery and for your children get this man out of your home and out of your life. Don't be pulled back by promises of change and the dream of "this time it could be different" it's not, fundamentally because you are repeating the same patterns within this relationship that you've had in previous ones. It just looks different but ask yourself does it "feel" different?

Please live alone and focus on giving your children a happy and stable future
x

Has he a history of diving into relationships which become intense quickly, involve breakups and makeups and then don't work out?
My brother is like this so we're all a bit 'once bitten, twice shy' when it comes to him wanting to integrate a new person into the family.

I am always shocked about how many on MN move men into their homes- cocklodgers or not. It is possible to have a relationship and live in each others own homes. Unless you need to have sex twice a day.

OP prioritise you and your children. Get him out. He is gaslighting you he must have said something to make them turn on you. His family is Ignorant as is he. If he cared for you he would not stand for the way they are treating and excluding you. And his comments about never meeting anyone better than him- it’s the start of coercive control wake up see the signs

send him back asap.

BTW, I guarantee it's not that the family don't like you as a person, they just aren't sure about the relationship and have just cause in this area. He's their family member so their priority is his happiness and the issue is surrounding the instability of your relationship with him. I'm sure they think you're a lovely person generally.